Dispute between Childminder and husband

pozalina

Hi,

I need some impartial advice as I feel stuck in the middle of a situation. Yesterday my husband lost his temper with our CM and shouted at her, loud enough to make her cry. It happened because he was late to drop our children off and she had to leave for the school run, so couldn't wait. Somehow, when trying to negotiate where to meet up, he became furious and felt she wasn't being flexible enough. When they finally met up he blew his top at her (I know what he can be like when he loses it - it's not nice). She asked him to leave, and to take the childsren with him, so he had to go home and be 2 hrs late for work.

I spoke to dh when I got home and he admitted (after some pressure!) that he was out of order to shout at her the way he did. He also admitted that it was because he was late that it all started. He was talking about getting another CM (after the 4wk notice period) and not paying her for today as she told him to take the children away with him. I went to see CM after work last night and she said she sent them all away as she was too upset to work and thought the children might have been upset as well. I felt bad that my dh had upset her so I paid her for yesterday even though she didn't have the kids. She is willing to draw a line under it etc, but my dh is still not happy. He is rather displeased that I paid her for yesterday.

So, I wanted your views on whether I was right to pay her or not, although i know it's too late now really! I feel disloyal to dh for doing it but also he was wrong to speak to her that way. But, she did tell him to take the children away. Legally, she probably broke the contract(?) but he was abusive which she shouldn't put up with. I don't want to change CM as the children are settled with her and it is convenient.

Any input appreciated!

pigpen

I'd insist hubby went to see her to apologise he has no right to scream and shout at anyone and make them cry what a mean bully..

If the children are happy and you are lucky enough your CM doesn't tell you where to shove you money, husband and children I'd try to keep them there.

I wasn't her fault his time management skills aren't quie up to par your children are not her sole responsibility.

I think I would have paid her for yeterday and told her to get herself something nice by way of apology.. and hubby would be in the doghouse until he apologises.

Nicki

I think you were right to pay her, and that you are very lucky she's still willing to have your children to be honest. It sounds like your husband was very abusive and frightening, and I agree with you that's not something she should have to take. Will he calm down over time, or do you need to find a way of selling this to him?

Gingham_Ribbon

Legally, she probably broke the contract(?) but he was abusive which she shouldn't put up with.

I'm afraid that it was probably your husband who broke the contract by being abusive towards her.

I know what he can be like when he loses it - it's not nice

Has he considered anger management or counselling to avoid this sort of situation in the future?

Lucy1973

pigpen wrote: »

I'd insist hubby went to see her to apologise he has no right to scream and shout at anyone and make them cry what a mean bully..

If the children are happy and you are lucky enough your CM doesn't tell you where to shove you money, husband and children I'd try to keep them there.

I wasn't her fault his time management skills aren't quie up to par your children are not her sole responsibility.

I think I would have paid her for yeterday and told her to get herself something nice by way of apology.. and hubby would be in the doghouse until he apologises.

Agree with this.I also suggest some sort of anger management for hubby as you mentioned before that he's not nice when he loses it. Sounds like a bit of a bully.

Apricot

You were right to pay her. He was abusive which she doesnt have to put up with - contract or not.

I would insist on him going to see her in person and apologising. In fact if I were her, I wouldn't be taking your children back until he apologised to me.

aliasojo

pozalina wrote: »

Yesterday my husband lost his temper with our CM and shouted at her, loud enough to make her cry. It happened because he was late to drop our children off and she had to leave for the school run, so couldn't wait. Somehow, when trying to negotiate where to meet up, he became furious and felt she wasn't being flexible enough. When they finally met up he blew his top at her (I know what he can be like when he loses it - it's not nice). She asked him to leave, and to take the childsren with him, so he had to go home and be 2 hrs late for work.

I spoke to dh when I got home and he admitted (after some pressure!) that he was out of order to shout at her the way he did. He also admitted that it was because he was late that it all started. He was talking about getting another CM (after the 4wk notice period) and not paying her for today as she told him to take the children away with him. I went to see CM after work last night and she said she sent them all away as she was too upset to work and thought the children might have been upset as well. I felt bad that my dh had upset her so I paid her for yesterday even though she didn't have the kids. She is willing to draw a line under it etc, but my dh is still not happy. He is rather displeased that I paid her for yesterday.


Any input appreciated!

Your husband got in a state through his own doing and he took it out on on someone else who is there to mind his children, not him.

Tell him to grow up and accept responsibility for his own actions. He behaved badly.

I'm not surprised the childminder felt she couldn't watch the kids after that.

I think it only right that she was paid.

sjc3

I think you were right to pay her. Im sure your husband was stressed as he was running late. Shouting at someone and upsetting them to the degree she ended up is not necessary. As I am sure your husband realised when he had thought it through. I wouldn't have stood for someone speaking to me like that and would have sent the children home also.

I would suggest caution about not using her, as childminders can sometimes be scarce. Around my way the good ones have waiting lists. If she has always been reliable and the kids like her then I would carry on. Its up to you husband to apologise and smooth things over really.

scotty1971

pigpen wrote: »

I'd insist hubby went to see her to apologise he has no right to scream and shout at anyone and make them cry what a mean bully..

If the children are happy and you are lucky enough your CM doesn't tell you where to shove you money, husband and children I'd try to keep them there.

I wasn't her fault his time management skills aren't quie up to par your children are not her sole responsibility.

I think I would have paid her for yeterday and told her to get herself something nice by way of apology.. and hubby would be in the doghouse until he apologises.

i totally agree with you,my partner is a childminder and i would be furious if someone spoke to her like that and made her cry,infact i would insist that she gave 4 weeks notice to give up the children although it is not their fault,she has a business to run and not to be athe beck and call of parents,there is always children needing minded,fortunately she has an understanding partner or it could have been your partner that might have been doing the crying

the_cat

Unless there is more to this than you have said here so far, he sounds completely and utterly in the wrong. If he is unable to keep to an arrangement re pick up times, then that is 100% HIS problem and the childminder is under no obligation to change her plans. His children, his responsibility - end of

Verbal abuse of this kind in any situation is totally wrong - even more so as he was the only one at fault. If it were me, I would tell the lot of you to clear off - nobody should have to put up with that sort of cr+p. Agree that the only way forward is for him to get down and grovel for forgiveness

p-pincher

Well to be honest I think your husband is bang out of order, just because he's paying her for a service it doesnt give him the right to speak to someone in such a way that it makes the cry, especially as you said you know what its like when he like it and its not nice. Just because he didnt feel she was being being flexible enough doesnt make it right, if she had to do the school run i presume she has other responsibilities and cant wait around for you husband to show when hes running late. Im with you in paying her for yesterday, she wouldn't have normally have turned them away if she hadnt have been put in that situation.

If your kids are settled and like it there I personally wouldnt move them, I think he should be the one apologising and hes lucky the childminders willing to draw a line under it (though it may not be out of choice, probably more like she needs the work). Its looks like from your post that your gut feeling is that he was in the wrong and your gut feeling is mormally the right one i find.

Hope you sort it out x