Dispute between Childminder and husband

sjc3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If it were my child that had been present as this arrogant oaf lurched up and scared the living daylights out of my child minder and my child, I would be informing your OH in the playground that if he so much as breathes a bit loud in their presence again, I will be contacting Social Services and the Police to report someone being aggressive towards women and small children and quite possibly an abuser in his own home.

Plus, at the time my DD was small enough to go to a childminder, her father would have been more than able to knock on your door/visit your OH's place of work and shout in his face for ten minutes about how he was never to do that again - and needed to leave work to look after his own child if he couldn't find a new childminder by Monday (unlikely you will ever find one in the area again now). And at 6'5" with a voice so deep that you feel it rather than hear it, your OH (unless similarly built) would receive a quick lesson in how it feels. Not that I would condone that, but it would be morally less repugnant than doing it to a woman and small child.

I completely agree with this. Im sorry to say it but you want to hope that no-one else witnessed your OH behaving like this to your childminder, in front of someone elses child. It would be wise of him to drop his arrogance and read this thread because if he tries to whitewash this situation and doesn't realise how serious what he did is, there could be consequences in future. All it would take is for this other child to mention to mummy and daddy what it saw and heard.

starsandmoon

when you said the CM was accommadating the other family as they pay her more and suggested you may feel the need to find a different CM do you think she was tactfully trying to get rid of you? Maybe your OH has made her uneasy or snapped at her but she didnt tell you.

The CM's in my area all meet up in various schools and no doubt talk about their clients. If she gives you notice you could struggle to find a new one.

My CM is lovely and my DD is happy with her plus she lives round the corner which makes pick up after a long day much easier. Its not a job I would do. I think they all deserve a medal.:A

pozalina

starsandmoon wrote: »

when you said the CM was accommadating the other family as they pay her more and suggested you may feel the need to find a different CM do you think she was tactfully trying to get rid of you? Maybe your OH has made her uneasy or snapped at her but she didnt tell you.

I don't think so. She is not one for dropping subtle hints, she says it like it is. She actually says more to me about oh than she does to him. There was an incident a while back when my oh wasn't happy with the new arrangement I mentioned above as he said it was making him late for work. She agreed to have the children 15mins earlier even though the reason he'd been late that day was because he had got to hers 5 mins after the actual drop-off time. She didn't say anything to him but mentioned it to me. She said to me yesterday that she wouldn't give us notice because she couldn't do that to the children. It took my youngest several weeks to settle in and now he's happy as larry there. This thread has made me realise how lucky we actually are with her.

starsandmoon

I hope it all works out for you. Does your OH have stress in work? Not that Im excusing his behaviour but a lot of work places have so many cuts and worries over job security maybe something like this pushed him over the edge.

meritaten

pozalina wrote: »

I don't think so. She is not one for dropping subtle hints, she says it like it is. She actually says more to me about oh than she does to him. There was an incident a while back when my oh wasn't happy with the new arrangement I mentioned above as he said it was making him late for work. She agreed to have the children 15mins earlier even though the reason he'd been late that day was because he had got to hers 5 mins after the actual drop-off time. She didn't say anything to him but mentioned it to me. She said to me yesterday that she wouldn't give us notice because she couldn't do that to the children. It took my youngest several weeks to settle in and now he's happy as larry there. This thread has made me realise how lucky we actually are with her.

I think this is the nub of the matter! perhaps your OH is getting it in the neck because HE is late for work due to the CM changing the original arrangement! I can understand that, as some employers will not understand. and your OH was upset and frustrated and prob knew HE would be in for a bollocking! when he is cutting it fine himself on normal days!

as much as I sympathise with the CM - she DID change the original agreement and if this makes your OH late for work each time and any delay makes it worse - then perhaps it would be best to find someone who can take the kids a bit earlier. after all, whats worse? losing your CM or your OH losing his job over bad timekeeping?
I dont condone your OH shouting at your CM before everyone jumps all over me - but if he is worried about getting to work on time and the new arrangements make him a bit late - I can understand a bit better how frustrated and angry he felt.

Nicki

Except meritaten that the problem arose because the OH was late dropping the children off at the childminders. If he was worried about being late for work, then surely he'd be at the childminders at exactly the correct time or a few minutes early each day, not consistently turning up late. Sounds more like that dad struggles to get the two children ready and out in time in the mornings, and maybe that's something OP could help with as even if she starts work earlier than her OH maybe she could get the kids dressed before she goes out for example.

duchy

Hmmmm An adult can't get himself out the door in time and throws a tantrum at the childminder.......and gets rewarded for it by his wife taking over getting the kids ready even tho she obviously starts work earlier than he does so the kids will be got up earlier .......... maybe not the best solution. Sorry but a man is equally capable of dressing his children surely-perhaps he just needs to get up a bit earlier.

Almo

barbiedoll wrote: »

Yes, he was in the wrong. Good childminders are like gold dust and to be honest, she would be perfectly within her rights to stop having your children immediately, she wouldn't need to give 4 weeks notice.

A lot of childminders moan about how the parents treat them. Parents seem to begrudge paying the CM for holidays, yet they expect THEIR employer to pay for their time off. Leaving the kids at the CM for longer hours than they have paid for is another common complaint. CM's family have to put up with other people's kids in their house during most of the school holidays, including Christmas and Easter. They have a house full of stairgates, fire notices, and toys and books for all ages, things that we can throw or put away when our kids have finished with them. Their home is their workplace and they have the right to feel safe and not to be bullied or harassed, just like any other employee in any other job. If she wants to accommodate another family, that is her business, it has nothing to do with your OH.

OH needs a large slice of humble pie and a decent alarm clock!

I agree with everything you, have said (and everything else that has been said in the thread) except this part. I believe childminders are self employed and I have never expected to be paid for holidays when self employed, particularly if I were being paid when the person for whom I was working was on holiday, which I believe is the case for most childminders (I know my brother's is paid when they're away, which is as it should be).

If childminders are not self employed, then obviously my comments don't stand.

Pollycat

Pozalina
Please do let us know how things went with your OH when he came home.

I must say you've had some pretty strong comments on this thread about his behaviour and you seem to realise that you need to be more assertive and let him know when he's being too much of a 'shark', I do hope that he takes your comments on board.

maryotuam

It's not easy when you have been intimidated for a while and are lacking in self confidence to suddenly change. You need some sort of support such as counselling or assertiveness training. (Can anyone suggest how you can access these?) Your OH may also have had bad role models when he was young, maybe he would discuss that with you? He may need counselling even more than you!

The biggest priority should be ensuring your children are not damaged by the disturbing behaviour their parents are promoting as primary role models. As a natural born mouse, (like my mother) I sympathise with you. Your OH sounds like my father. For now take small steps, such as stopping yourself from excusing his behaviour to yourself. Loyalty and respect should be earned, not blindly given. Good Luck! Your OH might look back on this as a great chance to get himself on an even keel