Dispute between Childminder and husband

Money_maker

but he did shout very loudly.

he shouted in front of our children and one other child that was there

For this alone, he has put the CM in a bad position. She may well have to explain to a parent why their child is upset.

What sort of a man shouts at a woman in front of a child?

If I was the CM, I would ditch you smartish. Flowers - pah - think there's no way you can apologise for such a despicable act in front of a small child.

duchy

Well the issue isn't your childminder is it-it's your husband. The fact he behaves in a manner towards her that would have got him fired at work if he'd done it to a collegue there speaks volumes. And then he has the nerve to say HE doesn't think SHE should paid. In your shoes I'd be taking a step back and looking at his attitude towards other people in general (and possibly women in particular) especially as he demonstrates this to your children.

It's rare to see a thread where everyone agrees -food for thought..........and loyalty is earned-your husband was abusive -yet you feel disloyal ???? Do you often make excuses for his behaviour I have to wonder. He's an adult not a child but it certainly sounds like he needs to man up over this issue and apologize to the CM not to mention the apology he owes both you and your children.

pozalina

mum2twinsx2 wrote: »

Its a lesson learnt.....

Indeed. It's hard to deal with as I am not late when I collect the children, and would certainly not shout at someone if they could not accommodate my lateness, yet my children and I could've (and still might have) had to face the consequences of oh doing it.

What sort of a man shouts at a woman in front of a child?

I am still shocked that my oh spoke to CM this way - and in front of someone else's child. To my knowledge he has only lost it like this with me and his (adult) DD before now (and only very rarely). I need to make him realise it must not happen again. Repeat behaviour would mean I have to think seriously about removing our children from the situation, or their father from his children.

Do you often make excuses for his behaviour I have to wonder.

Good question. Probably yes. I know that the pair of us are the opposite ends of assertive - I am the mouse, he is the shark. I do challenge him about his behaviour but he is so bloody-minded it is often not worth the hassle. In this instance it was, and where the children are concerned it is. Even when he is being unreasonable about something I know I am guilty of settling for peace rather than resolution. Problem is, when I'm in the situation I start to doubt myself, and it's hard to get a balanced view from a friend (because who wants to discuss the fact that their oh is being an a***?!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If it were my child that had been present as this arrogant oaf lurched up and scared the living daylights out of my child minder and my child, I would be informing your OH in the playground that if he so much as breathes a bit loud in their presence again, I will be contacting Social Services and the Police to report someone being aggressive towards women and small children and quite possibly an abuser in his own home.

Plus, at the time my DD was small enough to go to a childminder, her father would have been more than able to knock on your door/visit your OH's place of work and shout in his face for ten minutes about how he was never to do that again - and needed to leave work to look after his own child if he couldn't find a new childminder by Monday (unlikely you will ever find one in the area again now). And at 6'5" with a voice so deep that you feel it rather than hear it, your OH (unless similarly built) would receive a quick lesson in how it feels. Not that I would condone that, but it would be morally less repugnant than doing it to a woman and small child.

Errata

Even when he is being unreasonable about something I know I am guilty of settling for peace rather than resolution.

But you're not settling for peace, you're condoning his behaviour and giving him permission to continue to be unreasonable.

duchy

pozalina wrote: »

I am still shocked that my oh spoke to CM this way - and in front of someone else's child. To my knowledge he has only lost it like this with me and his (adult) DD before now (and only very rarely). I need to make him realise it must not happen again. Repeat behaviour would mean I have to think seriously about removing our children from the situation, or their father from his children.

Good question. Probably yes. I know that the pair of us are the opposite ends of assertive - I am the mouse, he is the shark. I do challenge him about his behaviour but he is so bloody-minded it is often not worth the hassle. In this instance it was, and where the children are concerned it is. Even when he is being unreasonable about something I know I am guilty of settling for peace rather than resolution. Problem is, when I'm in the situation I start to doubt myself, and it's hard to get a balanced view from a friend (because who wants to discuss the fact that their oh is being an a***?!

Hun -Do you want your children growing up thinking that his way is "normal" ? And that they should "settle for peace" .

He's a bully and he'll teach them to either be bullies too-or to be doormats.

Sorry I know that sounds harsh -but it IS the bottom line.

I do agree with Errata-you are enabling his behaviour

However I am really glad you posted so you got the feedback and reassurance that your gut feeling is RIGHT !!!

the_cat

pozalina wrote: »

To my knowledge he has only lost it like this with me and his (adult) DD before now



Even when he is being unreasonable about something I know I am guilty of settling for peace rather than resolution.

I would suggest that the fact that you have not asserted yourself on what is acceptable behaviour has helped make him the way he is now. He appears to have lost sense of what is an appropriate reaction to a problem/not getting his own way because his behaviour has been left unchallenged. Rather than keeping the peace, you might sadly have been storing the problems up for yourself

Good for you that you seem to have realised this now. Time to lay down the law!
Good luck

pozalina

Errata wrote: »

But you're not settling for peace, you're condoning his behaviour and giving him permission to continue to be unreasonable.

Yes, perhaps I should've said temporary peace instead of longer term resolution. Fingers in the dam instead of building a new wall. Telling him I don't approve of his behaviour is not enough, is it? I have to not accept it.

Errata

pozalina wrote: »

Yes, perhaps I should've said temporary peace instead of longer term resolution. Fingers in the dam instead of building a new wall. Telling him I don't approve of his behaviour is not enough, is it? I have to not accept it.

It depends on how you tell him. My OH wouldn't have needed being told more than once, I can assure you.

duchy

I know people talked earlier in the thread about anger management for your OH but maybe you would benefit from some confidence/assertiveness counseling ..............