Dispute between Childminder and husband

Pollycat

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Whilst I think the shouting and overall behaviour displayed by the dad in this situation was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, I also think some people on here are over reacting in their mention or hinting at the OP getting out of this marriage, calling in social services, labelling him as a bully and so on. This is a single incident which the OP has said is atypical.

elvis86 wrote: »

Quite. It sounds like a very unpleasant incident, but some people on here have completely overreacted.:cool:

Yes, the OP's husband was entirely in the wrong. Yes, of course the childminder should've been paid for the day. Yes, the OP's OH needs to apologise and understand that he cannot behave like this.

I sort-of agree with Lunar Eclipse & Elvis86 about some of the comments BUT I think Elvis86 has hit the nail on the head with THIS:

elvis86 wrote: »

Admittedly, the fact that he's not been consumed by guilt and fallen over himself to make amends is concerning. He needs to redeem himself quick-sharp with a heartfelt apology and assurances that it won't happen again.

From what the OP has said he seems reluctant to apologise and the fact that he mentioned changing child-minders and didn't want to pay her for yesterday AND was displeased that his wife did actually pay her makes him sound a pretty nasty guy.

I hope by now he's realised what he did was wrong and that he's pretty lucky that his wife is not frantically searching for another child minder (especially as she says her kids are settled).
I also hope that it doesn't go pear-shaped for the OP - both with her OH and the child minder.
She deserves better.

pozalina

starsandmoon wrote: »

I hope it all works out for you. Does your OH have stress in work? Not that Im excusing his behaviour but a lot of work places have so many cuts and worries over job security maybe something like this pushed him over the edge.

No, don't think he can use that one really, I think he lost his temper for the reasons already mentioned - because he was late, the CM couldn't accommodate him and he felt she wasn't trying her best to help him ansd belived she would have done for the other family. He's not jealous about the other family, he doesn't know anything about them (except that we have had to change our hours because of the mother putting a very short notice ultimatum on the CM).

(Sorry, I haven't figured out how to multi-quote pps yet):

Nicki

Sounds more like that dad struggles to get the two children ready and out in time in the mornings, and maybe that's something OP could help with as even if she starts work earlier than her OH maybe she could get the kids dressed before she goes out for example.

He does not need help getting the children dressed, they are usually dressed and breakfasted (by me) before I leave. If he is late is is because he has not got himself ready on time.

newcook

I hope I have read this right – because of the other family’s change of arrangements you guys had to change your normal drop off time but it made your OH late so CM accommodated this by agreeing to have your children 15 minutes earlier – was this 15 minutes earlier than the original time or 15 minutes earlier than the new agreed time?

There is no reason for him to be late with the original change in hours - if he had dropped children at the agreed time he would have been ok, but only just. As (he said) it was making him late CM agreed with him to bring them 15mins earlier (than the new agreed time) in future. The day this all happened was on the new arrangement day. When he was 5 mins late she rang him to tell him she had to leave in 15 mins, so he had to be there by then. He got there 20 mins late (as she was walking out of the door). Sorry if that makes no sense whatsoever!

Pollycat

Pozalina
Please do let us know how things went with your OH when he came home.

elvis86

Admittedly, the fact that he's not been consumed by guilt and fallen over himself to make amends is concerning. He needs to redeem himself quick-sharp with a heartfelt apology and assurances that it won't happen again.

sjc3

Im not writing this to stir up trouble, I am just very curious about something. The only person with a problem here is your oh. Has he read this thread and realised how lucky your family are to have your childminder? If he hasn't then its all been a bit pointless.

Since the incident happened I have seen oh for no more than a couple of mins at a time as he works until 9pm on wed, and on tues he had to work late due to the incident with CM. We have briefly discussed the situation, and he has admitted he was wrong to shout at CM and that it happened because he was late. However, he still thinks the CM should have been able to accommodate him, as when they spoke on the phone he suggested meeting her at school and she said she didn't know where to meet him, couldn't manage double buggy etc. He became irritated about it, so we need to discuss it properly when we have time.

maryotuam

You need some sort of support such as counselling or assertiveness training.

I am not sure whether this would help or is necessary, but thank you for your concern. I may have given a skewed view of how I am with dh. I do quite often challenge him (or nag, as he puts it). He tends to do the sulking rather than the shouting, which is still highly unsatisfactory as we rarely resolve issues. I actually think that I could be the most assertive person on the planet but I would not get him to change his beliefs. Sometimes he will admit he is wrong, e.g. when he is quick to jump to conclusions, but other times there is no changing his mind. Just because I do not divorce him at these times does not mean I condone his behaviour.

sjc3

Has he read this thread and realised how lucky your family are to have your childminder? If he hasn't then its all been a bit pointless.

A pp also suggested showing oh this thread (sorry, can't remember who). I am in 2 minds about this. Firstly, I think he might go ballistic that I have been discussing this (albeit pretty amonymously) with a bunch of people online. Secondly, I do not know if it would help him see things differently. On ther other hand, it might be the shock he needs - but my guess is he would react as he usually does. I guess I'm not brave enough to find out...

pupsicola

Have things settled down with the childminder and has she looked after your kids since this incident? Hopefully she may just chalk this down to a bad experience and you will hear no more about it.

I do feel for you as this seems to have caused you alot of anxiety and upset. Does your chidlrens school have a breakfast club, lots run them. May make for less stress with the morning drop off. My boys school club starts at 8am. I use a childminder just for school collection.

When you have a decent amount of time with your oh I would sit down with him and explain how this whole situation has bothered you. Maybe not show him this thread if it might inflame his temper. I think it would help you alot if he took into account your feelings on what has gone on and you work together to avoid anything like it happening again. Good luck OP.

Errata

A pp also suggested showing oh this thread (sorry, can't remember who). I am in 2 minds about this. Firstly, I think he might go ballistic that I have been discussing this (albeit pretty amonymously) with a bunch of people online. Secondly, I do not know if it would help him see things differently. On ther other hand, it might be the shock he needs - but my guess is he would react as he usually does. I guess I'm not brave enough to find out...

I wouldn't recommend you show him this thread or tell him anything about it. He's been an !!!!! but he doesn't need his nose rubbing in it.
It seems to me that you have a couple of children and a moody teenager who's inclined to kick off without thinking of the consequences. If you change your behaviour towards him, it will result in a change in his behaviour as the pair of you will no longer be doing the same old, same old script with the same old result each time.
You're a qualified teacher. Perhaps it's time to have a read through the module "How to assert personal authority when the kids are doing stupid things"?
Good luck - one of you has to change how family life is conducted in your house and how the family behaves outside it. It may as well be you.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'm a little confused about this TBH.

a - Why couldn't she meet him at school? I take it your kids are <school age and thus would have to be put into her vehicle...so if she can manage the buggy at home, why not at school with his help? If she collects another child, what's the problem?
b - Why was he 2 hours late for work when he took the kids home; did he have to wait until you came home?

Blowing his top is most def wrong, but I can't see why she couldn't meet him at school if she is going there anyway....he could have put the buggy in the vehicle and then gone on his way.

Admittedly the CM shouldn't have told you about the other family in such detail as it has now become an issue.

Did your H take them since the outburst? What has happened since then?

pozalina

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I'm a little confused about this TBH.

a - Why couldn't she meet him at school? I take it your kids are <school age and thus would have to be put into her vehicle...so if she can manage the buggy at home, why not at school with his help? If she collects another child, what's the problem?
b - Why was he 2 hours late for work when he took the kids home; did he have to wait until you came home?

Blowing his top is most def wrong, but I can't see why she couldn't meet him at school if she is going there anyway....he could have put the buggy in the vehicle and then gone on his way.

Admittedly the CM shouldn't have told you about the other family in such detail as it has now become an issue.

Did your H take them since the outburst? What has happened since then?

a)My boys are pre-school age. CM walks to and from school. Her argument was that she wouldn't be able to manage the dbl buggy as well as ours. Somehow, in the rush of the phonecall oh didn't manage to say he would take our buggy back with him, and she didn't think of that at the time.

b)yes, because he then had the children, so had to wait until I came home early.

They haven't been to CM since - they should've been there today but our eldest was ill so oh stayed home with them.

errata

If you change your behaviour towards him, it will result in a change in his behaviour as the pair of you will no longer be doing the same old, same old script with the same old result each time.

I was thinking 'the only behaviour you can change is your own' earlier on, actually. I have to try and shift the dynamic, I don't know how yet.

Errata

pozalina wrote: »

errata
I was thinking 'the only behaviour you can change is your own' earlier on, actually. I have to try and shift the dynamic, I don't know how yet.

Why not start with this, it's a good website http://www.llttf.com/index.php?section=module&action=prev&mod_seq=1058&umod_seq=41842&mods_slide=1

poppyolivia

not sure what anyone else wrote but yes you should have paid her and your husband sounds a right jerk!..I couldn't live with anyone that raised their voice to me let alone someone else..nightmare!

milliebear00001

pozalina wrote: »

Hi,

I need some impartial advice as I feel stuck in the middle of a situation. Yesterday my husband lost his temper with our CM and shouted at her, loud enough to make her cry. It happened because he was late to drop our children off and she had to leave for the school run, so couldn't wait. Somehow, when trying to negotiate where to meet up, he became furious and felt she wasn't being flexible enough. When they finally met up he blew his top at her (I know what he can be like when he loses it - it's not nice). She asked him to leave, and to take the childsren with him, so he had to go home and be 2 hrs late for work.

I spoke to dh when I got home and he admitted (after some pressure!) that he was out of order to shout at her the way he did. He also admitted that it was because he was late that it all started. He was talking about getting another CM (after the 4wk notice period) and not paying her for today as she told him to take the children away with him. I went to see CM after work last night and she said she sent them all away as she was too upset to work and thought the children might have been upset as well. I felt bad that my dh had upset her so I paid her for yesterday even though she didn't have the kids. She is willing to draw a line under it etc, but my dh is still not happy. He is rather displeased that I paid her for yesterday.

So, I wanted your views on whether I was right to pay her or not, although i know it's too late now really! I feel disloyal to dh for doing it but also he was wrong to speak to her that way. But, she did tell him to take the children away. Legally, she probably broke the contract(?) but he was abusive which she shouldn't put up with. I don't want to change CM as the children are settled with her and it is convenient.

Any input appreciated!

From what you have said, your husband is totally out of order and your childminder has done absolutely nothing wrong. He should grovel to her. I would have told you both where to go - good childminders are hard to come by and I doubt she'll struggle to fill the spaces. Your children of course will be hugely disrupted if you have to find a new minder - perhaps you should remind your husband of this.

NB - did he scream at her in front of other children? Bad enough if it was just his own - if my kids had been there I'd have been hopping mad.

meritaten

pozalina I am not sure I understand exactly whats gone on here. the way I have read your posts is that
your CM changed the original agreement about times at short notice because the children she has for longer (her main earners) changed THEIR times?
this meant that you would take YOUR children half hour later? but she later amended this to 15 minutes later?
this still meant your OH would be late for work? and he compounds this by being a bit disorganised himself in the morning and was five minutes late?
he tried to help by saying he would meet her where she drops off first families kids but she didnt want that? so he had to return home to wait for you and consequently was TWO hours late for work?
or do I have this totally wrong?