How to start again with nothing

elona

Maybe if he were a better husband then you would not be ill!

Savvy_Sue

elona wrote:

Maybe if he were a better husband then you would not be ill!

Indeed!

We had a friend whose husband was not a nice man, but he could put on a very good act when required. She ended up sectioned, where the staff thought she had a 'model' husband. We all felt she'd have been better off with a real one ... or none at all.

Horasio

black-saturn wrote:

I apologise in advance that I didn't see this thread sooner. I've been so busy lately starting a new business I havn't had much time to come on here.

On an emotional side this man is controlling you and knows he can get away with it. The sheer fact that he knows you rely on him for money, food and shelter is telling me he likes to control you and is very manipulative. I'm afraid men like this don't often change. There might be a cycle of events which happen where the relationship is very close for a while and then it gets very difficult where you could cut the air with a knife and/or he is sulking and ignoring you. Then there is a big bust up or argument, then you make up and the whole cycle starts again. No woman (or man) deserves this.

On a practical side you could start looking now for alternative accommodation if you are sure that is what you really want. When you have found something suitable you could ask Housing Benefit if they will be able to pay all or some of the rent. As soon as you are independent you will need to make a claim for income support or job seekers allowance. Which one will be dependent on whether or not you will be entitled to other benefits. You can live independently of this man if you really put your mind to it and stick up for yourself. Especially as you don't have children and no commitments. It won't be easy but it is a whole lot harder if you do have children.

I went through an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years and had 2 children with him (conceived when the relationship was going through a close phaze). After that time I suddenly had a lightbulb moment where I realised I was worth more than this and deserved more. A week later I walked out with the children in the middle of the night with only 2 carrier bags of kids clothes (I lived what I was standing up in for 3 weeks), £5 and a mobile phone to my name. Now I have my own house, my own business and am planning my wedding to a lovely man I have met. If someone had said to me when I was in the middle of it that I would get out and have a wonderful life I would have laughed in their face. But it can be done.

An excellent reply !

Horasio

black-saturn wrote:

Could you try contacting Women's Aid? They have shelters for women in your situation and would probably organise a lift or a taxi for you. You could also speak to your doctor as he might be able to offer some advice.

Here's the Women's Aid site:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Thank you for the link.

I don't want to seem negative and put down your reply but I am a little reticent - I feel it is only for women who are physically abused, I have heard some real horror stories and feel our situation is mild in comparison. Nevertheless, we are suffering as much and when we are emotionally unhappy, we get physically ill. It is rarely addressed in the media, which makes people feel even more isolated in this situation.

I am also concerned we are too wealthy to get help from the government.

We were out of work for 8 months and we only got the dole for 6 of them. We have too much savings and equity in the house, despite paying thousands over the years. At one time you could get your mortgage paid. Now you get nothing if you have over £8000 from housing equity and savings.

I might be wrong if I left (I hope I am) but feel I am on my own financially.

feelinggood_2

I know what you mean CCstar, this isn't real abuse. It isn't abuse full stop - well, I think it might be, but then again, I don't know.

Horasio

feelinggood wrote:

I will ring them tomorrow to get some more advice. I've filled out my claim forms for two of the benefits I think I can recieve, and will call to find out if there is anything else I need to claim, and where to get advice about housing.
Thanks xxx

I don't want to hijack your thread, but it is highlighting my issue too, which is very similar.

I admire how brave you are for posting this. I asked for help at your age and got more abuse from everyone I thought cared for me! There was no internet then either!

I want to offer support and obtain advice about this too.

Given your financial situation, are you eligible? Your husband has to give you a proportion of his salary which will be taken into consideration, plus you will have equity in the house. Despite you not working etc, you are entitled as you are married.

feelinggood_2

I've applied for IB and DLA. Don't know what else I am entitled too, will ask when they phone about the IB

feelinggood_2

I don't think I could get anyting - he had the house before we married and I've never given him any money

Horasio

feelinggood wrote:

I know what you mean CCstar, this isn't real abuse. It isn't abuse full stop - well, I think it might be, but then again, I don't know.

You feel unhappy. You say you feel happier when he is not around.

For years I thought it was me. I thought 'if I do this, it should be better', always me making the changes, so things would be nicer. He simply spoilt it when it really matters and argued to the death about it.

I had a child and wanted to wait till he grew up before I left. He is nearly 19 and about to leave home too, so I have no reason to stay with a man who has spoilt so much of my life for 25 years.

I realised he would be this way when I was your age and really wished I could have acted on it the. You can before you have children - believe me, they take over your life and you still have to cope alone. You have support from loads of people here and it is helping me no end to know I am not alone in this too.

Horasio

feelinggood wrote:

I don't think I could get anyting - he had the house before we married and I've never given him any money

Have you sought advice about this? I did work for a year, contributing to the house plus helped him out of his debts. Since then I have worked PT occasionally, then had our son. I haven't contributed for years.

I bet we could work if we weren't so unhappy. I can't face a job then go home to my miserable homelife.