Should grandparents help out?

meritaten

Fang wrote: »

My grandparents took all of their grandchildren for the entire summer to their place in the Lakes. They also looked after all of us at some point either before or after school, and in the case of two of my cousins - raised them for nearly a year while my aunt and uncle were seriously ill.

I really don't understand how any parent could not help their child when they're begging for help.

I dont often agree with Fang - but on this I am 100% in agreement! Your kids dont stop being YOUR kids when they turn 18 - and your grandkids are your flesh and blood!

its only in the last century or so that families split the way they do now - before that a child was brought up by an extended family or the whole village! when old people could no longer work in factories or fields they brought up the kids so the parents could work! of course they all lived together............but nowadays it seems people cannot bear to live with their parents and move away - then they have to pay for child care and the grandparents are redundant! or they work themselves..........or they just dont have the example of other grandparents minding the kids! and enjoying it! please dont get my post wrong............I adore the grandkids and the one I am minding now is special .............I just cannot physically cope with him! he wants to play the whole time he is with me! and even professional footballers only have to play 90 minutes - HE wants to play for four hours!

andrealm

elff wrote: »

Hes does try - HE will take dd swimming she is VERY bright and demands a lot of attention with her constant questions and imagination. He has a stressfull job and after hearing me complain he just replies he is just as /more tired than me and he needs a break as well.

in 20 odd years when they move out i guess i will get a lie in then

Taking the 3 of them out to somewhere like soft play would be hard for one person on their own, if the twins are only 2 and your dd is still quite young too. But surely he could get up with them all sometimes and look after them at home, so you could get at lie in a the weekend sometimes, or give you the chance to go out on your own and get a bit of peace for an hour or two.
You need a break too.

mumps

I spent loads of time with my grandparents, my mother looked after mine and I now do my bit. I work 4 days a week, have the grandchildren two full days a week i.e. stay overnight, and a few hours some evenings. I view it as normal, I think it might be a cultural thing and in some parts of the country it is more common than others.

When my first was born my mother in law said, "Never ask me to look after her." We never did. It was only after she died when we were looking through some albums we saw a photo of her with our daughter and she had written how much she regretted not having more time with her. It made us feel sad that she had never admitted how she felt and we never asked her because of what she said.

JodyBPM

I think that what other peoples parents may or may not do for them is irrelevent. Your parents and your inlaws have NO obligation to help you. As you can see from the replies to this thread, its a pretty mixed bag as to whether or not people would want or not want to help out with childcare. And as for expecting money for deposits etc etc - surely not! Gifts are gifts, and I certainly wouldn't be handing out money to people with expectations.

Having said that, you seem stressed and tired, and you need to find an answer to that -but its not your parents (and neither should you expect it to be). Your DH should be helping out at weekends, and in the evenings - perhaps you could get a part-time job that would pay for childcare, so you could have some time away from the children.

Something certainly needs to change for your sanity. But don't dump it at the grandparents door, its neither their problem nor their responsibility.

onlyroz

I don't think that there should *ever* be an expectation that grandparents should provide free childcare or give out interest-free loans. Many will do this, and should be cherished and thanked for it.

My parents are brilliant - e.g. I've started a new job recently and I've had to go quite regularly into London for training. This would have been near-impossible if I hadn't had mum on hand to take the kids to school/nursery for me on those days. However, I'd never expect them to do it every day for me - and if they did then I'd insist on paying them. As it is, I use a child-minder three days a week to pick up my son from school, and my daughter goes to nursery.

My husbands parents are elderly and I'd never expect or ask them to baby-sit. They've got enough problems of their own to deal with without having to run themselves ragged with my kids as well.

As for lending money - always a mine-field and probably best avoided unless you can come to a proper arrangement for payback and stick to it.

meritaten

onlyroz wrote: »

I don't think that there should *ever* be an expectation that grandparents should provide free childcare or give out interest-free loans. Many will do this, and should be cherished and thanked for it.

My parents are brilliant - e.g. I've started a new job recently and I've had to go quite regularly into London for training. This would have been near-impossible if I hadn't had mum on hand to take the kids to school/nursery for me on those days. However, I'd never expect them to do it every day for me - and if they did then I'd insist on paying them. As it is, I use a child-minder three days a week to pick up my son from school, and my daughter goes to nursery.

My husbands parents are elderly and I'd never expect or ask them to baby-sit. They've got enough problems of their own to deal with without having to run themselves ragged with my kids as well.

As for lending money - always a mine-field and probably best avoided unless you can come to a proper arrangement for payback and stick to it.

Me and OH have had our problems - but our grandchildren are the light of our lives. I would be upset if the kids HADNT asked us to help or that the grandkids ASK to have sleepovers at Nannys. Have you actually asked your OHs parents if they would LIKE to have the grandkids over? even if they are elderly it doesnt mean they arent capable of minding kids. unless you mean they are mentally or physically incapable that is?

onlyroz

meritaten wrote: »

unless you mean they are mentally or physically incapable that is?

My mother-in-law would not be capable, no. My father-in-law has his hands full.

jakes-mum

Now I may be wrong as its been 19 months since I had to give up work for health, but when my husband and I both worked (him full time, me 20 hrs) we recieved a childcare element to our working tax credit to help toward child care costs. I think OP did mention in her original post about maybe going back to work part time (sorry if i've remembered that wrong as I did read all the posts in the thread!) It may be worth ringing the tax credits and seeing if you did return to work part time would you be entitled to a childcare element.
Re your husband, I agree with the above, your job is full time caring for children, I had the same arguement with my own husband with our first born, but with our second, he is brilliant! He works 3 different shifts but will still get up in the morning on weekends and on mornings when he is on afternoons to get DS off to school and lok after DD while I have a lie in. I am extremely lucky but it didnt come about until I sat him down and compared my days workload to his.
It isnt a grandmothers responsibility to look after their grandchildren, and watching my own mother who is now in her late 50's and how she has slowed down and how tired she gets if she looks after my 2 children (aged 3 & 9) I can understand a woman in her 70's being reluctant to look after them. If shes really not confident she could care for them adequately, better to say no than risk one of them getting hurt.
DO please! go back to doctors and comaplain about your HV ignoring you as unless you kick up a fuss they will happily leave you to it
Good luck

sjc3

elff wrote: »

The kids dont sleep well and i am shattered i have begged my mum in tears for help and she has just said no. She sits at home all day watching telly.

Sounds just like my mother. The only thing she has ever taught me is how not to treat your children.

Wait till she is old and frail and needs you then you can turn to her when she is in tears and say NO. Will serve her right!!!!

CFC

elff wrote: »

Hes does try - HE will take dd swimming she is VERY bright and demands a lot of attention with her constant questions and imagination. He has a stressfull job and after hearing me complain he just replies he is just as /more tired than me and he needs a break as well.

in 20 odd years when they move out i guess i will get a lie in then

Grandparents help out if they want to and feel capable, and not if they don't. There is no 'should', the children were your choice, not your grandparent's choice. 3 children is a lot to ask anyone to look after, especially if one of them is a screamer.

Hopefully you have made some friends at the mother and baby club. Can you not ask one of the mothers to look after one of the children on a Saturday mornin and ask your husband to take the other two to soft play? As your daughter goes to school, could one of the mothers entertain her for a Saturday play date or even a Friday night sleep over? In return you could board one of their children for a day as a swap? This would make it feasible for your husband to take the other two to soft play. You could alternate which child goes where.

Your husband is of course tired after working however he is not getting the opportunity to bond with the children and establish a good relationship with them, and he needs to do that. Saturday morning playtime with him would be a benefit. If you could just get a morning with no demands on you it would probably make a world of difference. Swimming is not so good as it still leaves you with 2 children at home.