Should grandparents help out?

elff

Most of my friend's have parents inlaws who do alot for their grandchildren - everything from changing nappies to looking after while mum is at work tobuying them fruit and treats.

My parents do nothing to help me - I KNOW they dont have to and I chose to have my children (although wasnt expecting twins) but i get upset when i see grandparents out for the day with their grandkids or hear about kids staying at grannys for the night...

Or helping out with debts/mortgage deposits etc.

My parents had me late in life and my hubbys parents were married at 16 and had him at 17 so while my mum is now a pensioner my mil is in early 50's working 60+ hours a week.

I am very thankfull my mum agreed to have my dd for 15hr a week when i worked part time 3 years ago but since the twins have come along no one is interested. The kids dont sleep well and i am shattered i have begged my mum in tears for help and she has just said no. She sits at home all day watching telly.

Most of my friends have part time jobs and i would LOVE one but have no one to watch the kids... I even had to take the kids to a routine appointment with my dr.:eek:

I still have over a year before the twins get their 'free' nursery place and i can have some time off.

Apricot

Not everyone's parents help out - sad but true. When I go back to work after having my baby it will have to go to nursery which Ill have to pay for because there is no one to look after my child - if you really want a job then you may have to put your children into a private nursery / childminder to be able to do this.

Maybe at your mums age she no longer feels she has the energy to be looking after children? Having 3 children 15 hours a week is a lot of hard work for someone who is young and fit - nevermind someone who is a lot older.

brians_daughter

Nope, its their lives.. they brought you (and possible siblings ) up and now its their turn to relax and chill and spend time doing as they please.

I have 3 children with number 4 on the way...ds3 who is 2 still doesnt sleep through, we both work, i am at uni ft as well. We certianlly dont expect them to help out. Although they do like to treat them to the park or cinema for the older one in the holdiays etc. the children have stayed over ona handful of occassions..infact ds1 only once and hes 12 this time! But the younger 2 have stayed a few times when granny has asked them to/offered... times that spring to mind is when i was in labour, when i was ill with swine flu in hospital, once when we had no heating overnight when it was 1 degree outside and maybe a few extra nights when they have been on school holidays

Being a grandparent is about joy, not being relied on... the joy gets taken away once they become unpaid childminders... then the arguments start when their views on potty training arent like yours etc

You can get a pt job.. do what we do and pay for childcare. even if you dont end up with a lot of extra cash after the cost of care its well worth it for the boost of being with adults!

Sorry if my post sounds harsh, isnt meant to be!

custardy

not everyone gets help.
I have friends who get help(both financial and physical) and yes its annoying(annoying doesnt quite fit but I'll use it) but you just have to deal with it.
i have another friend who has a daughter at uni and then had an unplanned 2nd child
the dad !!!!!!ed off :mad: and not so long after the birth she lost her father.
now she has the reverse of trying to help her mum plus deal with her family!

go_cat

We are in a similar position my Dh parents had him late and are well beyond retirement age ( late 70's ) but because of that i wouldn't even dream of asking them to have our son, its just too much for them.
We have no other support either we do it all ourselves and DS goes to nursery which we pay for so we can both work

Can the childrens father not help out at all ?

red_devil

ive seen this on another board seems some people get alot of help and some dont. Just the luck of the draw really with families. Where families fo help out i dont think its all rosy there can be arguments about how things are done. Parents often dont do things the way their son/daughter would like.

Counting_Pennies_2

I come from both sides on this.

I wouldn't want my mother to help out with the children as I have huge issues with her ability and her attitude. Plus she is over 100 miles away and there is a mental block on the M25 and public transport so never visits us.

However I would love to have a kind supportive helping hand.

My MIL will have the children for a weekend once a year and for that I am very grateful as my DH and I can spend some time together. But there is no help for me at any other time of the year.

As you say doctors appointments, and the lot you have to fit in with the children in tow.

Another thing is that as soon as you go from one child to more, it becomes harder to ask for help, as others can't stretch to helping look after one at a time.

I would look around and see if there is a day facility that will take them before the age of 3 and try hard to save some housekeeping to afford the slot once or twice a week.

I ended up finding the creche at the gym would take them for up to 2 hours at a time. So joined the gym, and had some time for me while exercising so I could at least get a break

hth

red_devil

brians_daughter wrote: »

Nope, its their lives.. they brought you (and possible siblings ) up and now its their turn to relax and chill and spend time doing as they please.

it can be enjoyable though having the grandkids, the grandparents get something out of it too. It helps them also form a bond with their grandchildren.

LabLover

Elff , nothing in life ever comes for free, I mean that with regards to deposits (for house ) from parents and big sums of money and first cars and childrens clothes and show etc. MIL bought every little thing for SIL when she was pregnant and I mean everything , even paid for her food shopping...... Didnt come for free, there was the constant visits , the "your not doing that right " why isnt grandchild wearing what I bought him. She also bought all the furniture for SIL's new house (and paid deposit ) and comments all the time that she needs to switch her mortgage , has she insured new sofa yet. Im now pregnant and she hasnt even batted an eye lid, to be honest Im over the moon , I will take gifts if they are bought for baby after birth but other than that Im not interested because I cant be doing with people sticking their oar in.I will save my money and do what I like with it, I will bring up my child how I see fit. My mum and dad are great and there support has far out weighed anything anyone couldve bought me.

tanith

I am a grandmother with 7 grandchildren ranging from 23yrs down to 6yrs and I have always chosen to have my grandchildren for fun and mostly when it suits me.. I was working of course when the older ones were small so had them less but now I am retired I really don't want to cope with youngsters on a regular basis as someone else said it would take the joy out of it for me and I enjoy the days I have to please myself after working for years... my daughters chose to have children and if they need to work then find someone other than me to care for them.. of course emergencies arise and I have stepped in many a time but I have never been a carer for any of my grandchildren on a regular basis.. I love them all to bits and in fact had the 6yr old overnight last night because I wanted to and we had such fun but now she has gone home to Mummy and I am enjoying my day of peace and tranquillity... you don't say how old your Mum is but my guess is she just isn't up to it...

NEH

elff wrote: »

Most of my friend's have parents inlaws who do alot for their grandchildren - everything from changing nappies to looking after while mum is at work tobuying them fruit and treats.

My parents do nothing to help me - I KNOW they dont have to and I chose to have my children (although wasnt expecting twins) but i get upset when i see grandparents out for the day with their grandkids or hear about kids staying at grannys for the night...

Or helping out with debts/mortgage deposits etc.

My parents had me late in life and my hubbys parents were married at 16 and had him at 17 so while my mum is now a pensioner my mil is in early 50's working 60+ hours a week.

I am very thankfull my mum agreed to have my dd for 15hr a week when i worked part time 3 years ago but since the twins have come along no one is interested. The kids dont sleep well and i am shattered i have begged my mum in tears for help and she has just said no. She sits at home all day watching telly.

Most of my friends have part time jobs and i would LOVE one but have no one to watch the kids... I even had to take the kids to a routine appointment with my dr.:eek:

I still have over a year before the twins get their 'free' nursery place and i can have some time off.

Yes it's tough that some other folk's help out when yours don't but at the end of the day your Grandparents have the right to a life especially now and certainly shouldn't be expected to have to help out.....

I have seen it with my mum's friends and for some Grandparents it's a lot of work especially when they get older....

A lot of people aren't lucky enough to have grandparents right next door...

People forget that for Grandparents this is another chance to have a life of their own and do the things they want to do, having grandchildren to look after isn't something a lot of Grandparents want to do and we as children have to respect that...

Unless something really goes wrong i think people need to realise that if you decide to have children it's your choice and that you shouldn't expect your mum and dad to help out....If they do then that's great but then you're prepared if they don't...

It's the same with housing deposits etc, I know friends of the family that have ended up not having to struggle as mum and dad have bailed them out and bought them houses etc...It's part of life, some people get help others don't you just get on with it...