Should grandparents help out?

menollyke

I understand where you are coming from, but by the sounds of it you should forget asking your mum for help. Someone suggested your MIL for a few hours in the weekend, have you tried that? It will be nice to have a few hours sleep even if it is just once a week or once every two weeks. Also do make sure the health visitor is listening to you, there must be something that can be done.

To come back to your question, grandparents sometimes just don't want to help. My parents always have said they would NEVER do our washing if we moved out, help with money or look after children. I didn't count on it and moved out, however my mother is still doing my brothers washing 3 years after he moved out. He says he doesn't have the money to buy a washing machine. They have helped him with a deposit, the occasional bailing out with money and the purchase of furniture. They also have him over for a few weeks a year when he has a holiday, so he doesn't have to spend money on food.
When I reminded them about their promise they told me things do change and they are happy to do it for him. (he is older btw) Since than I have given up asking them for help. I know they should treat both kids equally, but they clearly don't want to, so I just accepted it and looked at other people for help.

My MIL is another story and would love to have ds on a regurlair basis, however i am not happy with that. I am a stay at home mum and would like to stay that. We did however agree that the inlaws have ds once a fortnight for a few hours in the weekend, although with oh working weekends that has gone out of the window as well. But I know they are there when we need them with everything we need them for. However coming from a background where I have been told for many years that no one is helping out when you move out, it is hard to ask for help.

Is there a friend who can walk the twins in the pushchair for about 30 min to an hour? It might help you put your feet up for a bit or have a bath? Otherwise paid childcare might be nice for one or two mornings or afternoons in the week. Don't ask for the whole week, you can do just a morning or afternoon and it won't cost as much. Also it might be possible for you to take DD out for the day in the weekend and leave oh with the twins? I know he complains about he is more tired and it sounds like the arguments my oh and I used to have with sleepless nights when ds wasn't sleeping through the night. (he had 8 hours sleep overnight in the spare room, I was awake every 2 hours) But he had work and I could 'rest' during the day, so he was more tired. Eventually we had a talk and accepted the fact that we were both tired and we try to give each other time to sleep. I am not heavily pregnant and didn't sleep very well, but it wss oh's turn to have a lie in after he came home from work after midnight. I woke him up at almost 11 and than I went back to bed for an hour. It works for us for the moment, not sure if we will go back to the arguments when the newborn is here and the sleepless nights start again.

Try talking to your oh. Ask him to have the twins for a day in the weekend or even all three kids. Take some time away. See if a local gym is having a childcare for a few hours whilst you are in the gym or swimming pool. Even though you can't catch up on sleep, you can at least have some time to yourself and it might make you feel better.

Counting_Pennies_2

elff wrote: »

Thanks we asked for a homestart volunteer when then twisn were born and she came once a week for a while then once a fortnight then would just turn up we havent seen her now for months in fact i still have her xmas present from the twins in the cuboard.

My GP requested hv get in contact with me as he felt i needed help.... She has no it seemed stoped answering my calls and it appears she has arranged a hearing test for my son???

That is how my homestart lady slowed down. They see it that they are needed to help you transist through a difficult period, and so you don't get reliant on them they slowly depart then never to be seen again.

I would suggest getting in contact again and say the need has intensified and please can she or another person be reassigned.

I would get in there quick too. Our homestart has been given 6 months of funding and that is it.

hth

Size30

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I don't have any grand-children, but I told my son years ago that if he ever had any children, I would not look after them other than the occasional babysit or in an emergency.

I've done my bit, I don't need to do it again. I have my own life to lead.

Ah, but just wait till they arrive!!

We have been blessed with
3 wonderful children, and 2 of them have presented us with grand babies, with the 3rd due in May.

Maybe its because I'm a childminder, but I just love being as involved as I can be.

I currently look after my grandson from 10.30 to 3.30 3 days a week, but my daughter pays me as it's my job. She does get a good rate though.

I feel honored and privileged to be able to do this.
We also babysat for out granddaughter last night. She fell asleep on my knee, and it was just beautiful. She had just had a bath, and smelled so babyfied!

I treat them all I can, as my parents treat my children when they were little, and my husband and I were struggling financially.

That's what families do.......or at least that's what MY family does.

scooby088

What i have to say is WHY? do grandparents have to help out or even offer? I think as my own parents once said to me you made your bed you lie in it.

jackomdj

scooby088 wrote: »

What i have to say is WHY? do grandparents have to help out or even offer? I think as my own parents once said to me you made your bed you lie in it.

IMO the why is because they are your parents, they made their bed & have to lie in it! Being a parent does not stop when your child turns 18. Likewise if my parents needed me I would make that journey down the motorway & help them at the drop of a hat.

I do not agree that they should have to help on a routine basis, ie every week or weekend but adhoc or when a child that does not usually ask make a plea.

I work 2 days a week for my eldest daughter I have taken as many days holiday as I can & bought (ie don't get paid) as many days as work permitts. This usually leaves me with 4 weeks I need to get cover for, this year our school is closed for 2 extra weeks so 6 weeks. My parents will be covering 2 of those, OH's Mum will come up for a week (or possibly 2) although she is not a very hands on Gran & expects them to amuse themselves quietly!, I then have 3 friends that will cover the rest of the time!

I am also fortunate as my neighbour will look after the children if necessary, she is 65. We will ask her for things like parents evening etc but we do not ask if we want to go out for the evening, I will then get one of our friends. I am happy for her to have them if they are up or in bed but do not ask her to put them to bed! We are in the process of moving & have told her we want her to move too as she is the best neighbour ever (feeds pets when we go away, takes in parcels etc!)

Sambucus_Nigra

elff wrote: »

Hes does try - HE will take dd swimming she is VERY bright and demands a lot of attention with her constant questions and imagination. He has a stressfull job and after hearing me complain he just replies he is just as /more tired than me and he needs a break as well.

in 20 odd years when they move out i guess i will get a lie in then

If your 'job' was so easy, then surely looking after the kids IS a break - thus he is proving that looking after the kids is alot more stressful than his job or he'd be able to do it with both hands tied behind his back.

Which is what would happen if a blokey ever said that to me!

meritaten

I have six grandkids aged from 3 to 13 and have (for the past 13 years) hosted sleepovers, taken them on days out or on a weeks holiday. I have also minded my youngest grandson since he was a tiny baby for his mum to work. I am in my mid fifties and only ever taken temp or part time jobs. in the last few years to fit around the grandkids. I have given up work entirely in the last couple of years as I cant cope with work and minding grandson.
I dont get paid (and dont expect it), but I AM disabled and am now finding it hard to cope with a VERY demanding three year old (working in Argos was easier than minding this child). I love him and my other grandkids to bits - and feel priviledged to have had a large part of bringing them up. BUT, while I can understand grandparents who feel they have brought THEIR kids up (especially if THEY didnt have help), at the same time I feel those grandparents miss out on SO much!
Its a shame there isnt an 'adopt a granny scheme' many older ladies would love to mind honorary grandkids and the kids needs grandparents too (hands-on ones that is!). but please - bear in mind that the reason us older ladies dont have babies - we cannot always physically cope with them 24/7!

LillythePink

When I went back to work, my in laws had my dd almost every day - oh was a shift worker, so they either had her in the mornings or afternoons or sometimes during the day depending on what shifts he was working.

They had her until we split up when she was 15 months old.

They offered and never wanted payment - I didn't expect them to have her but they offered and wouldn't hear of her going to a childminder.

Obviously, because of that, they only ever babysat once or twice ("out of hours") but did have her overnight once when we had a wedding and my parents were away.

I trusted them more than my mum when dd was a baby.

My parents have helped out by having dd to sleep when we have things on and they have had her for the weekend when we had to go away, now my mum doesn't work, she just sits watching tv all day - but they live next door to us in a wing, so she has helped when dd has been ill - but dd just lies on the sofa in our place, and my mum is in her lounge (we have a connecting door which is then open)

Whilst I don't think that grandparents should be made to help out or guilt tripped into it, I think that it is important for them to be a bit involved in the lives of their grandchildren and sometimes, it's easier and better if they are away from the parents - afterall, they are "allowed" to shower them with treats, feed them icecream (even though tea is only an hour away) or pack them full of sweets crammed full of E numbers that they are bouncing off the walls and a nightmare when they get home!!

monicaj

I was a single parent for 10 years and had moved away from home so did not have family to "put on" sorry (rely) upon. Had no government help with benefits but had to get off my backside to work long hours and afford childcare - my goodness it was tough !! BUT when my children spent time with their Grandparents whether it be a day or a week in the holidays they all loved that precious time.

Move forward 10 years and me and DH had another child, and his parents offered to help us out - I was absolutely adamant that I would not put on them and booked DD into full time nursery - cost us dearly but if there was a problem then I always felt comfortable asking for help. In the meantime we made sure that DD spent "quality time" with her Grandparents and their time together was/is precious. Just my opinion and I may come across as harsh but I cannot believe that these days it has become expected of Grandparents to become childminders ...........

Whatever happens, I wish you luck

Fang_3

My grandparents took all of their grandchildren for the entire summer to their place in the Lakes. They also looked after all of us at some point either before or after school, and in the case of two of my cousins - raised them for nearly a year while my aunt and uncle were seriously ill.

I really don't understand how any parent could not help their child when they're begging for help.