Should grandparents help out?

must_try_harder_2

Maybe your Mum knows how difficult things were when she had your older child for 15 hours a week and dreads how she would cope with the twins as well?

My Mum is always on the phone to me telling me how tired out she is when she looks after my niece. I know for a fact she physically couldn't cope if she was expected to care for another 2 children as well

FatVonD

If my mum babysits for me she expects me to pay her or buy her a gift and she would never dream of changing her routine to help out, everything is just too much trouble for her.

She took my DS home with her on my wedding night and his dad was going to pick him up from her house after work the next day. We ended up not going on our honeymoon (we had been due to fly in the early hours of the morning and DH had a hangover, another story) which she knew because my son had been worried about me flying and I called to tell him I hadn't.

When DS's dad hadn't picked him up bang on 5pm she drove my son round to my house because she needed to leave to go to bingo(!) The first I knew of it all was a call a couple of minutes after 5pm from DS's dad saying 'where are they?' (Answer: on the way to my house!)

Going to bingo was more important to her than me being allowed a child-free day when I was supposedly on my honeymoon.

DaisyFlower

I believe that grandparents have done their child rearing with their own children and deserve to spend their lives as they please.

Not babysitting doesnt make them bad grandparents, I have great relationships with lots of people without them providing childcare for me.

OP, think yourself lucky that you had free childcare with your first as many dont have that luxury. Its understandable that she doesnt want to provide childcare for all three. You could always pay for nursery if you want childcare like many others do.

You chose to become a parent and with it comes responsibilities but they are yours as the parent, you mum didnt choose to have the children so shouldnt be made to feel bad that she doesnt want to go back to looking after small children again.

Threebabes

My mother doesnt speak to me or my sister. I see my dad but I wouldnt expect him to babysit. My in-laws look after SILs 4 kids a lot and see them loads. They dont bother with my 3 very much. When Im out and about when I see grandparents out with their grandkids I miss that for mine, it must be lovely to have a special relationship with a grandparent. I wouldn't expect them to babysit but Im sad that they don't seem to want to spend any time with them at all. My kids are 15, nearly 11 and 7. DH and I have always said that when they go grow up and if they have families of their own we would want to see them all the time and look after them. It was hard not having any help but now mine are getting older its not such an issue, we are used to spending our time as a family and wouldn't have it any other way. Also the odd time MIL had the kids she was always unreliable.

I think its sad when people have stated that they won't be babysitting, what about just spending time out of love and having fun for them?

Threebabes

Size30 wrote: »

Ah, but just wait till they arrive!!

We have been blessed with
3 wonderful children, and 2 of them have presented us with grand babies, with the 3rd due in May.

Maybe its because I'm a childminder, but I just love being as involved as I can be.

I currently look after my grandson from 10.30 to 3.30 3 days a week, but my daughter pays me as it's my job. She does get a good rate though.

I feel honored and privileged to be able to do this.
We also babysat for out granddaughter last night. She fell asleep on my knee, and it was just beautiful. She had just had a bath, and smelled so babyfied!

I treat them all I can, as my parents treat my children when they were little, and my husband and I were struggling financially.

That's what families do.......or at least that's what MY family does.

Size30 you sound lovely. I wish I had a grandparent like you for my kids. x

red_devil

Threebabes wrote: »

My mother doesnt speak to me or my sister. I see my dad but I wouldnt expect him to babysit. My in-laws look after SILs 4 kids a lot and see them loads. They dont bother with my 3 very much. When Im out and about when I see grandparents out with their grandkids I miss that for mine, it must be lovely to have a special relationship with a grandparent. I wouldn't expect them to babysit but Im sad that they don't seem to want to spend any time with them at all. My kids are 15, nearly 11 and 7. DH and I have always said that when they go grow up and if they have families of their own we would want to see them all the time and look after them. It was hard not having any help but now mine are getting older its not such an issue, we are used to spending our time as a family and wouldn't have it any other way. Also the odd time MIL had the kids she was always unreliable.

I think its sad when people have stated that they won't be babysitting, what about just spending time out of love and having fun for them?

i totally agree about having fun there is a grandad in my road and the grandsons seem to be there all the time. i suspect the parents are working. He is often down the park with them kicking a ball around etc and they have made friends with other people at the park. I think to myself how nice it is that they are so close etc. I suspect it gives him an interest as well. I think we have definetely decided that everyone is different though.

juliethemuse

my parents would never babysit when my 4 were small,
of course i never expected them to look after 4 all at once but i couldnt understand why they were not interested in spending quality time with any of them,
i didnt expect them to spend money on them either just like i said, quality time,
but the one thing that really upsets me almost 19 yrs ago (and i still remember it like yesterday) me and OH both had food poisoning and was really ill, the baby was 3 mths but when i rang and asked for help from my mother made every excuse she could think of to not do it, i just gave up after that,
OP, couldnt you look for babysitters in your area? pity we are not neighbours i would help out like a shot,
i look after my grandson 2 days a week and love it,
when he was a baby i looked after him alot more as his mum was finding it difficult to cope,

andrealm

If I was a granny I don't know that I'd want to be committed to looking after grandchildren while their parents worked full-time, but I can't imagine that I would stand by and watch them struggling to cope. Assuming I was still fairly fit and healthy I would want to help them out now and then if they were ill or just exhausted and needing a break, or to babysit on occasion so they could have an evening out. I think most people would want to help out their family if they were struggling. Obviously it's different if grandparents are in poor health or are a bit older and just not physically capable of coping with the demands of small children.

elvis86

OP, I understand where you're coming from to an extent (RE help and babysitting), but being envious of other people's situations is never helpful. You just have to accept the situation you're in with your parents and make the best of it.

When it comes to kids, there's only one person who you're entitled to "expect" anything of, and that's the other person with whom you decided to have them (ie in your case, their father).

In saying that, if you're old enough to be a mother then your parents have no responsibilities to bail you out, provide house deposits and pay off your debts.

As for grandparents providing regular childcare to allow parents to work, I'm sure many enjoy doing it and that it's a big help to the parents. But personally, it's not something that sits comfortably with me.

My partner and I currently live too far from our parents for them to be able to offer regular help if we had kids (I can't imagine us moving back to our respective hometowns by the time we do have them either!). But even if we didn't, expecting a grandparent to commit to 2, 3 or more days childcare every week, unpaid, is a lot to ask IMHO. I wouldn't want to put on my mum like that. She sacrificed such a lot to be at home and raise my sister and I, now I figure it's "her" time and I wouldn't want to deny her that.

liney

There's regular childcare, and there's spending the day with Nanny. Two different things entirely, and if any of the Grandparents were so upset by the idea of having their Grandchild for the day or an odd afternoon here and there then i'd probably become very indifferent about our relationship if i'm honest. What kind of person declares they do not want to spend any unnecessary time with an extention of their own child?