Should grandparents help out?

sjc3

Fang wrote: »

My grandparents took all of their grandchildren for the entire summer to their place in the Lakes. They also looked after all of us at some point either before or after school, and in the case of two of my cousins - raised them for nearly a year while my aunt and uncle were seriously ill.

I really don't understand how any parent could not help their child when they're begging for help.

I agree with you 100%

sock-knitter

i have twins, brought them up since my ex husband left when the babies were 3 months old. it was hard, sleepless nights etc, but i managed without help from my parents, there is no way they would let my boys sleep over, they are 15 now, and have special needs so i'm still caring for them full time without a break, i joke that when they are 18 i might finally be able to go out and work.
OP try and go to mums and tots or play areas with the kids, at least being out of the house and chatting with others will make you feel less isolated

rose28454

My mother helped look after both of my children when I worked part time when they were small. I could not have managed without her. My eldest brother, who I worked for at the time, used to make comments about me using my Mum. He and his wife had an au pair.
However the boot is on the other foot now as I care for my Mum who is 86 and my Dad who is 91 and has Alzheimers on a daily basis and I help him dress and clean up for them. My brother has had most of their money and does not want much to do with them at all. My mother and father in law did look after the children also from time to time but always favoured my husband's brother's children and gave them more time and presents than to mine. But as per my brother my brother in law took a lot of money from them and now rarely sees them. My husband in the same way as me cares for his parents too.
My children do not have any children yet but my husband especially is already on standby to be Grampy.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

I know grandparents don't have to help but I don't understand how a mother can ignore a daughter begging in tears for help.

It might be that she can't personally help for some reason but I know I'd be helping my daughter to find some way to ease the burden!

Having said I would not look after my grandchildren, of course I would if someone was ill, either mentally or physically. That would be one of the 'emergencies' I referred to in my post.

I meant I would not look after them so that parents could go to work.

seven-day-weekend

Size30 wrote: »

Ah, but just wait till they arrive!!

We have been blessed with
3 wonderful children, and 2 of them have presented us with grand babies, with the 3rd due in May.

Maybe its because I'm a childminder, but I just love being as involved as I can be.

I currently look after my grandson from 10.30 to 3.30 3 days a week, but my daughter pays me as it's my job. She does get a good rate though. I'm pleased for you if this is what you want, but this is precisely what I DON'T want to do. I don't want my life tied down in that way. The best bit of being retired is calling your time your own.

I feel honored and privileged to be able to do this.
We also babysat for out granddaughter last night. She fell asleep on my knee, and it was just beautiful. She had just had a bath, and smelled so babyfied!

I treat them all I can, as my parents treat my children when they were little, and my husband and I were struggling financially.

That's what families do.......or at least that's what MY family does.

I would rather go and work doing something else if I had to be tied down like that!

As I say, my son and his partner do not have any chldren, but we already help them out in many ways. I would just draw the line at regular childcare. My husband and I were both born to older-than-average parents, so never ever relied on them. We are now in our 60s and enjoying retirement.

We actually are not bothered if we ever have grandchildren. Just something else to worry about, imho.

tooldle

How about looking at it from another point of view. You are both tired. If the little one is sleeping for only a few hours each night and having screaming fits, this must be impacting on everyone in your house. Rather than competing to see who works the hardest, or who is the most tired, focus on what you can jointly do to help each other.
Being in a similar situation a few years ago, and both having full time jobs, we decided that each of us would get a wekend lay in. OH on Sat, me on Sun. We would both deal with any night time problems on our allocated day and get up as soon as DD woke and entertain her on our non lay in day. It did work. At one stage I was so tired that I feel asleep on the floor in her bedroom for a full six hours. I also went to work in unmatched shoes. I do sympathise with you OH in that he is going into the workplace where certain standards are expected, to earn the family income. This type of difficulty can hugely impact on the ability to perform at work. You are also tired but, and I am not diminishing your contribution, your tiredness is not risking the family income.
We really needed to sort something, the solution can only come from areas that you control.
Asking other mums for help is a good idea, perhaps paying for a bit of help might also work.
Getting a part time job is an excellent idea, take control get out there and do it you will feel better. It's true what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
I know it is easy to say, focussing on the things you can change will always be better than focussing on what you cannot change.

hurricanewyn

What about playgroup? I've just googled playgroup aged 2 and gotten 188,000 results, so I'm sure some of them are in your local area. They're generally not too expensive (I think I paid £3 a session for my DD about 4 years ago), but usually only hour and a half or two hours a day. It's not a massive amount of time, but if you sent the twins for two sessions a week it's a bit of breathing space for you.

clairec79

Just a thought, when you asked your mum for help how did you word it? is there anyway she could have thought you were asking her to go back to the 15 hours a week babysitting and was saying no to that rather than a 'mum I'm at the end of my tether could you have the twins for 2hour tomorrow' making it clear this isn't a regular thing

NEH

menollyke wrote: »

To come back to your question, grandparents sometimes just don't want to help. My parents always have said they would NEVER do our washing if we moved out, help with money or look after children. I didn't count on it and moved out, however my mother is still doing my brothers washing 3 years after he moved out. He says he doesn't have the money to buy a washing machine. They have helped him with a deposit, the occasional bailing out with money and the purchase of furniture. They also have him over for a few weeks a year when he has a holiday, so he doesn't have to spend money on food.
When I reminded them about their promise they told me things do change and they are happy to do it for him. (he is older btw) Since than I have given up asking them for help. I know they should treat both kids equally, but they clearly don't want to, so I just accepted it and looked at other people for help.

I'm not sure i picked up on this correctly but could it be that your brother is hard up and does need help whereas you may be more i na position to stand better financially on your own...

Sometimes iin families you find that one brother or sister does need more help but on the surface it seems unfair to the others...Sometimes a promise like that is made on certain circumstance taking place and if one member of the family is finding life tough why shouldn't the promise be retracted...

I kow someone on this thread said that a fiar number of peole can't wait to get away from their parents which is true in some cases but alos in a number of cases there is little option but to move away whether it be for education or jobs or even for their partner's job....Sadly the days of working around the corner are few and far between....

I also have to sympathise with the Grandparents that have taken Grandchildren on for parents to be able to work but then become tired and ill themselves but then find they can't say no for fear of reprisement....I do think Grandparents need to toughen up and when it becomes too much for them to say no and parents should respect them enough and be mindful of them enough to accept it and put their parent's need before their own....

Gigglepig

NEH wrote: »

I'm not sure i picked up on this correctly but could it be that your brother is hard up and does need help whereas you may be more i na position to stand better financially on your own...

Sometimes iin families you find that one brother or sister does need more help but on the surface it seems unfair to the others...Sometimes a promise like that is made on certain circumstance taking place and if one member of the family is finding life tough why shouldn't the promise be retracted...

People have different views of "fair" - some people think it means helping everyone equally. Others think it is "fair" to give more help to someone they perceive to need it more.

It can be hurtful to get less time, money and attention than a sibling - and it can feel very unfair how some people are allowed to play a role in the family where they lean on others and get helped out all the time, while other relatives are expected to always fend for themselves. Some times people "enable" others not to manage as well as others in the family. Some times it can help to look at those patterns of behaviour, or "roles" that people take, and discuss them within the family.

Regarding grandparents, I personally am more impressed with those who are willing to help out, and expect that they may have closer bonds to their children and grandchildren, but I do not think it is something they must or should do. It is absolutely fine not to be interested. My MIL has said very clearly she would not help out. That is entirely up to her and absolutely fine. However, I expect her approach won't bring us closer or help her have an as close bond with future grandchildren as she would have if she wanted to be more involved