Should grandparents help out?

pigpen

elff wrote: »

Hes does try - HE will take dd swimming she is VERY bright and demands a lot of attention with her constant questions and imagination. He has a stressfull job and after hearing me complain he just replies he is just as /more tired than me and he needs a break as well.

in 20 odd years when they move out i guess i will get a lie in then

At aout 13/14 they start sleeping 23 hours a day.. so you'll get sleep before then.

I think it is very sad you think hubby's job takes precedence over your job.. do not undervalue what you do and you deserve time off just as much as he does.. you don't knock off at 5 and do nothing for the rest of the evening.. parenthood is not separate, it is part of the life you both chose therefore however stressful his job is he should still help at home.. bathing and getting children to bed and maybe taking over for a couple of hours on a weekend so you can have a coffee with a friend or just go out for a mooch and wind down!

go_cat

elff wrote: »

Hes does try - HE will take dd swimming she is VERY bright and demands a lot of attention with her constant questions and imagination. He has a stressfull job and after hearing me complain he just replies he is just as /more tired than me and he needs a break as well.

in 20 odd years when they move out i guess i will get a lie in then

Sorry but don't know how he has the nerve to say he is more tired than you - you are getting no sleep at night and 2-3 children in the day - I would suggest you swap roles for a day i am confident he will change his mind.....

andrealm

elff wrote: »

Thanks we asked for a homestart volunteer when then twisn were born and she came once a week for a while then once a fortnight then would just turn up we havent seen her now for months in fact i still have her xmas present from the twins in the cuboard.

My GP requested hv get in contact with me as he felt i needed help.... She has no it seemed stoped answering my calls and it appears she has arranged a hearing test for my son???

Can you go back to HomeStart and see if they can find another volunteer to help you? And keep chasing up your HV, or go back to your GP, he sounds quite helpful.

I know where you are coming from as while I agree that grandparents shouldn't be expected to help, it is difficult if you are struggling and have no help from family. Maybe your mum just isn't up to looking after them anymore, it can be very physically demanding for an older person. My MIL used to help us out sometimes, we hugely appreciated her help and would never have taken her for granted. But it got to the point where she physically couldn't do it any more and I have to say I do envy other people who maybe have 2 sets of fit grandparents who help out regularly. My DH is great, he is very hands on, but he gets tired too
and it would be lovely if we had even the occasional bit of help. But I know other people that are in the same boat as us and they find it hard to. unfortunately some grandparents either can't or won't help out, so you just have to explore other options. Sometimes students doing childcare may be interested in helping you out as part of their course, I believe they are keen to go to families with twins, as it's good experience for them. If nursery is too expensive, is there anywhere with a creche you could use occasionally, like a leisure centre, or something like a course at a Surestart centre that has a creche sometimes churches and other organisations do similar things.

Hope you can find a way to get a break. It must be hard with twins and another child as well.

BitterAndTwisted

OP your posts sound like someone either depressed or at risk of slipping into it. I think you need to try and make a determined effort to find some respite or some help with the kidlets. There must be someone in your life somewhere who can give you an hour or two even if it's just to get some sleep.

You need a neighbour like me: I'm unemployed right now, I have experience of looking after kids full-time as a job and I love littlies. I've even taken time off work for a week at a time when my siblings wanted to ditch their broods and go off on hols with their OHs. I'd be delighted if a neighbour of mine asked me to babysit. There is someone out there, I'm sure of it, you probably just need to put some crafty feelers out.

Where do you live? I could pop round

Spendless

And if you need to have a drs appt, that you could really do with not having kids present at tell your DH he needs to book a day off/go in late/finish early, whatever he can. My DH also has a stressful, long hours job, but he also got into the mindset, that he didn''t have to do anything kids wise, cos I was at home and could sort it, without realising that sometimes I needed him to enable me to do something for me.

We have had limited grandparent help due to various reasons, and I am a bit sad about this, especially when other family members seem to have had them running round in circles.

If and when I am a grandparent, I'm prepared to help out, but I won't 'run round after'. I don't know if I could commit to looking after 1 child for 15 hours per week, let alone 3. Within a couple fo years, your twins will be at f-time school, and then you will have more time.

nuttywoman

My kids never had grandparents when they were growing up because both sets of grandparents had passed away , i was orphaned at 16, so i had to manage on my own. Have a 5month old grandchild now who we have every weekend and really enjoy but we know if we had her every day while parents at work it would be too much for us.It`d take the pleasure out of it.

red_devil

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

OP your posts sound like someone either depressed or at risk of slipping into it. I think you need to try and make a determined effort to find some respite or some help with the kidlets. There must be someone in your life somewhere who can give you an hour or two even if it's just to get some sleep.

You need a neighbour like me: I'm unemployed right now, I have experience of looking after kids full-time as a job and I love littlies. I've even taken time off work for a week at a time when my siblings wanted to ditch their broods and go off on hols with their OHs. I'd be delighted if a neighbour of mine asked me to babysit. There is someone out there, I'm sure of it, you probably just need to put some crafty feelers out.

Where do you live? I could pop round

thats a nice post. We could pop round together. I had a nice offer when my son was growing up. I knew a lady and she offered to babysit for free sometimes in the evening. She enjoyed doing it as long as we took her home afterwards. Good hearted there are some of them around!

the_cat

elff wrote: »

Hes does try - HE will take dd swimming she is VERY bright and demands a lot of attention with her constant questions and imagination. He has a stressfull job and after hearing me complain he just replies he is just as /more tired than me and he needs a break as well.

in 20 odd years when they move out i guess i will get a lie in then

Ok first and foremost, he works FAR less hours than you. He is out of the house for 11 hours per day, 5 days per week. That's a 55 hour week

You do far, far more than that. On a bad week with DS sleeping 2 hours a night that's 154 hours a week:eek: So tell him to get over himself;) And as for stress, the sort of sleep deprivation you have suffered over the last few years is what they do as a means of TORTURE in unscrupulous circles.

Whatever her reason, you are not going to get the help you need from your mother. It is a shame because she will have no real relationship with her grandchildren but it's her choice and you don't have the energy to waste on that right now!

You need to try to find a way of surviving until DS sorts his sleep pattern. Set up a rota with your OH so that you can get at least some sleep. Go up to bed when the children do and let him take first shift - anything before midnight can be his problem. Agree one night over the weekend when you can have an uninterrupted nights sleep and let him deal with it

How about getting a bit of help from MIL? She works I know, but may well be more willing to give you an afternoon to yourself at the weekend occasionally. Definately go back to the doctor, surestart, nursery groups and anyone else you can think of who might be able to provide a bit of relief. I used to find it far easier and less stressful to look after my children when there was some adult company around, so don't discount just taking them to a toddler group etc

I would also recommend that you get on the phone to the Health Visitor and remind her of her responsibilities. If she won't help/return your calls, complain to her supervisor.

A bit of strategic crying may well help here too;);). Either with your OH, the doctor or down the phone to the absent Health Visitor. Don't whatever you do, struggle on as you are...... YOU DESERVE SOME HELP so don't be a martyr!

GEEGEE8

I know your mum is old, but I'm very surprised that she won't help you when you have directly asked for her help.

No, the kids aren't hers, but you are still hers and I don't think people should abandon their kids even if they are adults.

I feel for you OP, I hope you work something out.

I grew up with my grandma always being around and this meant my mum could work. My grandma actually lived with us for years in a separate part of the house and although she wasn't a 'fun' grandma, it was great to hear stories and to have a 2nd mum almost.

She is in her mid 70's now, and I know she couldn't look after children now, so I guess it depends if your mum is being realistic in her abilities, or is just being offhand with you because it's not what she wants.

I still stand by the fact that a mother shouldn't disregard her child if they are asking for help..

Mojisola

elff wrote: »

Most of my friend's have parents inlaws who do alot for their grandchildren - everything from changing nappies to looking after while mum is at work tobuying them fruit and treats.

My parents do nothing to help me - I KNOW they dont have to and I chose to have my children (although wasnt expecting twins) but i get upset when i see grandparents out for the day with their grandkids or hear about kids staying at grannys for the night...

Or helping out with debts/mortgage deposits etc.

My parents had me late in life and my hubbys parents were married at 16 and had him at 17 so while my mum is now a pensioner my mil is in early 50's working 60+ hours a week.

I am very thankfull my mum agreed to have my dd for 15hr a week when i worked part time 3 years ago but since the twins have come along no one is interested. The kids dont sleep well and i am shattered i have begged my mum in tears for help and she has just said no. She sits at home all day watching telly.

Most of my friends have part time jobs and i would LOVE one but have no one to watch the kids... I even had to take the kids to a routine appointment with my dr.:eek:

I still have over a year before the twins get their 'free' nursery place and i can have some time off.

I know grandparents don't have to help but I don't understand how a mother can ignore a daughter begging in tears for help.

It might be that she can't personally help for some reason but I know I'd be helping my daughter to find some way to ease the burden!