Should grandparents help out?

Fang_3

suki1964 wrote: »

What planet are you living on?

Oh yes, must be the planet that believe in the bank of mum and dad

As grandparents/parents we do not have a moral obligation to be handing out free anything to either our kids or grandkids.


We have a moral obligation to bring our children up to be decent/honest/caring/hard-working etc etc etc not to give them everything on a plate

No wonder society is the way it is - always someone believing they are owed a living


Yes Im a grandparent, yes I do see my grandson as often as I can making the 300 mile drive to lift and lay him

20 years ago when me and hubby started out, we had no washing machine - nor could we get the credit to buy one. We scrimped and scraped with 2nd hand furniture, no holidays or car to get ourselves a house that meant we could have his children stay with us without having to sleep on the floor.

We arent rich, nor have we benefited from any housing bubble, we have a mortgage and both of us still work bloody hard and long hours

We are also the main carers for my parents and now his mother is in ill health and so have her to look out for as well

Should we be giving loans to our kids when we ourselves are looking at very uncertain futures? With longer working lives and very little pension coming our way? Should we go ahead and scrimp and scrape for the next 20 years so our children dont have to?

When we started we got nothing from either sets of parents or grandparents. We worked for everything we have and I tell you it makes you appreciate what we do have. It hurts no one to stand on their own two feet and get on with it.

If you are old enough and mature enough to be having children then you need to be old enough and mature enough to get on with it without running to bank of mum and dad for hand outs of time or money at the drop of a hat

In your fury you must have missed Fatballz writing: "if the help is needed and if they are reasonably able to help".:)

brians_daughter

RoxieW wrote: »

When my boys are grown up I will not be providing free childcare or large lump sums of cash that they haven't earned. Part of my job as a parent it to help them become independent self sufficient adults who can budget, time manage, make their own decisions etc. Providing them with shortcuts in life does them no favours in the long run, I believe.

Again, i agree with this post 100%. Even at the tender ages of 12 and 5 my boys have to earn what they are given... (ds3 is a little too young yet to be taught this lesson!)

Every penny my parents have given me or every bit of child respite they have offered or provided has been cherished, ie when we got engaged they bought us vouchers to buy us a new washing machine (we did things backwards house, children, engagement wedding lol)

The same applies with childcare the times they do offer are times everyone involved (grandparents, us as parents and the children) all look forward to - for different reasons lol
Some ppl we know look at us funny when we get so excited about having the odd children free night - but thats because (imo) they have the option every weekend so therefore see it as the norm.

poet123

FATBALLZ wrote: »

I believe they have an obligation to help their family, if the help is needed and if they are reasonably able to help, free childcare and interest free loans could be part of that however personally I've never had a loan from my parents/grandparents and as I mentioned I pay my parents expenses for the odd days they do look after my child. I'd suggest though that older generations of the family have a moral obligation to help with house deposits to some extent if they themselves have profited vastly from the property boom (as many have).

Fang wrote: »

In your fury you must have missed Fatballz writing: "if the help is needed and if they are reasonably able to help".:)

I think it may have been the portion I have highlighted which prompted the post you refer to, and not the childcare reference, or the portion you quote above.

RoxieW

Practical advice -
Go to playgroups. Your kids will play while u can sit and have a cuppa and a reasonably quiet half hour.
Find a good babysitter. Ask around where you live and find a good, reasonable babysitter. Worth their weight In gold.
Make friends with other mums and invite their kids round for tea/play in the hope of reciprocation.
Prioritise yourself. When hubby is at home have an hour in the bath or in bed with a magazine. Let him be on duty for an hour or two. U need to recharge your batteries.
Try to structure your day. Do your kids not have naps? If not, do an activity in the morning like playgroups, crafty time, park etc, something active and really engage with them. Then after lunch let them watch a DVD while u have a cuppa and recharge.

suki1964

Fang wrote: »

In your fury you must have missed Fatballz writing: "if the help is needed and if they are reasonably able to help".:)

I certainly didn't miss it.

And who is s/ he to judge who can or cant?

S/he can't be deciding one minute it's a moral obligation and then the next say only of course if you can afford it

mico62

Haven't read all the responses but when i had my 2 I didn't expect my parents to be unpaid childminders like my inlaws were for sil but it would've been nice if they'd shown an interest or took them to the park. When FIL died I had to pay them to pick eldest up from school and mind the youngest and I had to be home before 5 so they could get home to watch the 6pm news (funeral - mass & burial -was at 2.30 so I had to leave hubby at the cemetery).

MIL was the opposite and did everything for SIL but when we asked her to babysit her response was mothers look after their daughters yours doesn't so deal with it. My parents now live abroad and wonder why, when they come home, they've got no relationship with their grandchildren.

I used to stay with my maternal nan even though grandad was very ill and she was running her own business but she still found time to teach me how to bake and knit and I would've loved my kids to have that bond with any of their grandparents.

Alibat

My mum had such strong views on the subject I can remember her telling me easily ten years before my eldest was born that 'they'll be your kids so you look after them. I've done my bit and want to have some 'me' time'.

When my girls were small it did hurt to see other people's mums acting like a second mother to their grandchildren. Some help would have been so gladly received but was never offered, even if it meant I had to take two preschoolers to my own hospital appointments.

But on the other hand I didn't have to deal with anyone interfering with how they were being brought up, and perhaps most importantly it led to my girls and I becoming a very tight little self contained unit (poor OH ) which saw us through the teenage years. So in hindsight I wouldn't change a thing but it did hurt at the time.

Fang_3

poet123 wrote: »

I think it may have been the portion I have highlighted which prompted the post you refer to, and not the childcare reference, or the portion you quote above.

I don't. Fatballz is clear when he says 'if'. The other poster is saying that she hasn't profited vastly from it, so obviously it does not apply to her.

Fang_3

suki1964 wrote: »

I certainly didn't miss it.

And who is s/ he to judge who can or cant?

S/he can't be deciding one minute it's a moral obligation and then the next say only of course if you can afford it

His argument began with it, so there's no getting away from it. He didn't have a thought and then say that, he was very open and very reasonable.

If you don't want to offer your children or grandchildren any help than that is your choice, and you have to live with that.:)

thorsoak

FATBALLZ wrote: »

I believe they have an obligation to help their family, if the help is needed and if they are reasonably able to help, free childcare and interest free loans could be part of that however personally I've never had a loan from my parents/grandparents and as I mentioned I pay my parents expenses for the odd days they do look after my child. I'd suggest though that older generations of the family have a moral obligation to help with house deposits to some extent if they themselves have profited vastly from the property boom (as many have).

FATBALLZ: I hope you remember your credo when your childen ask you to look after their children!