Should grandparents help out?

Nicki

The OP's situation is a bit different to the norm though. I think it is unreasonable to expect grandparents to do something you struggle to do yourself. There is a world of difference between looking after one well behaved grandchild even on a regular basis, and looking after twin babies and a toddler even just for an afternoon when doing this brings even their own parents to their knees by the end of the day. At the end of the day grandparents have less energy and stamina and know the children much less well than the parents so looking after the children is going to be harder for them anyway without factoring in the fact that the task is a huge one due to the number and ages of the children. In OP's case I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask her elderly mum to come ovef and lend a hand with looking after the children now and again, but not to expect her to look after them all singlehanded. And of course if granny doesn't want to do that, then of course she should be allowed to refuse.

*Louise*

I think a number of grandparents don't want to be tied to permanent days of looking after grandchildren, but are happy to look after them now and then to help out.

When you retire you're supposed to be able to do what you want but if you're still working round holiday dates (your childrens') to have some 'time off' from regular babysitting then it defeats the purpose of retiring I guess.

My inlaws are older and aren't up to watching our 3 regularly. My mum has always worked 7 days a week so couldn't look after any of mine while I went out to work. She has now given up one of her jobs in order to look after my youngest sisters baby a couple of days a week. It is a little annoying, but I understand that she is now at a stage in her life where that's what she wants to do.

Also, as someone else pointed out - it is much easier to look after just one child than it is three!

CFC

FATBALLZ wrote: »

Blah blah blah.

Shall I paraphrase for you?

'My parents owe me'

moggylover

elff wrote: »

I dont want help all the time but there are times when i am truley exhausted from lack of sleep and contant screaming fits from my son.

Yet i still have to go through the day and get no peace....

Do you have a health visitor at all? Mine was marvellous and helpful and she put me in touch with Home Start and that got me a volunteer who came and spent a bit of time with me and the boys. If your little one has some health problems they might even be able to arrange some respite care (mine went to a nursery for one day a week foc for a while, because I was ill myself).

I have to say that I think it is nice if grandparents want to help, and it certainly sounds as if you could do with a bit of a break even if only a couple of hours here and there to let you get some sleep at the moment. It does sound like a bit of a "family emergency". However, I have to agree that it isn't an "entitlement", and it may be that your mum just doesn't feel up to coping with two (or three) small children anymore.

gocurlygirl

I am very sad about some of the attitudes on here!we had 2 children and no family nearby.my mum though working 3 days a week lived too far away to come to see us more than 3-4 times a year(so as well as being tired,working etc I used to take the children to visit them and my grandparents) and his mum was frail and lived abroad.
my brothers had help from both families concerned-one of their mum in laws does almost everything in the house and child caring.My mum was always there too.
I often wonder if it was because I was a-the oldest
b- the only girl c- had always been very capable and independant
d-mum was trying to impress sil or worse ,as I have often wondered since a child,just not as important to my mum.
when her 2nd marriage fell apart she started to want to come more but the children are both in their late teens so although glad to see her have their own agenda.
It would be nice if the original poster could just have mum or mum in law at home for coffee and chat(adult company)-even just cuddling or playing with one child when she was there would help!
What I did was take the children to mum and baby groups/ toddler group and arrange to see friends either at home or in places with play area.we regularily had tea parties in the summer outside,supervising them play and I can honestly say that was amongst the happiest times.I worked too and paid for child minders,nursery place and shared care with oh and good friend (we job shared in the end-helped with each others children although most time had to pay for care-we checked it carefully always.both familys still very close-sister I never had)If I am lucky enough to be a grandma I will enjoy it and will help but dont feel it is right for everyone.
Grandpas can be a great support too.:)

moggylover

FATBALLZ wrote: »

The no washing machine/fridge freezer bit etc is misleading, people didn't have these because they cost a fortune back in the day when they were cutting edge technology, I could now buy a TV every week with the money it costs me in petrol to get to work, the relative cost these days is very low. I'm sure when my children buy houses I'll be telling them that when I bought I didn't have a robot cook or nuclear fusion reactor in it either.

I have looked at the figures - for example my partners parents bought their place for £26k in late 2000, even adjusting for inflation (£34000 ish) I could pay that today in cash with the deposit I've been saving for over 5 years and be mortgage free. Instead to buy the same place I'd be looking at £130k and paying a £600 mortgage for 25 years on top of my whole deposit.

My parents bought a place for what in todays money would be about £200k, it's now worth over double that. Their household income is roughly the same as ours (after tax), but I could never hope to afford the same - plus they had a lot more children than I'm planning to.

One could equally argue that your problem is actually the "want it now" of the current generation, and extreme bad planning!

I bought my own house, on my own, in my early 20's and not long out of uni. To do so, I had to make a choice between my career choice (which was contract work that I could not get a mortgage on in those days) and buying that house. I quit the career job, worked as a secretary by day, and a waitress/barmaid by night (8.30 till 5 in the first job, and 6 till 2.00 in the second job) which gave me the steady salary I needed in order to purchase a home, I saved every penny I could for the deposit and then mortgaged myself to the hilt. It still meant that with high interest rates in those days there was very little money left to eat on once I had paid the mortgage and bills:) Great for the figure though. It also meant that from my early 20's onwards my money was spent on planning for the future and not on expensive cars, holidays, etc. As to furniture: it was the oddest collection of second hand bits and bobs imaginable, but it was all entirely mine! You cannot believe how excited I was when I actually purchased a washing machine brand spanking new at the age of 28:) I still have it (fully working) today though: not something this generation would contemplate I suspect.

I had always wanted a family, but I would never have considered getting pregnant until I had a home of my own for those kids (just my own personal belief that you provide a home and stability first and then work out if you can afford the children:)).

It meant I was working 16 and 18 hour days for some 12 years, and a holiday from the day job meant extra hours I could put in at the second one, and also that I could take on some contracts in my original career choice. I moved from the first flat to a semi-detached house, and then (when my parents retired to Wales) decided that I would move to Wales where I could buy a house more cheaply and that even if I only worked in a shop or restaurant I could support myself. This decision was made easier by the fact that I had had a breakdown (from exhaustion really) and could no longer cope with the hours I was working, and the fact that even friendships were not surviving the degree of neglect necessary to work those hours, let alone relationships.

I then met my ex and at the ripe old age of 37 I finally got the child I had longed for since I was a teenager. It meant my father never got to see his grandchildren (he died two years earlier) but it meant that I had a house with a very tiny mortgage and could provide for my children even with my partner and I both working slightly less than full time on minimum wage, or with him working and myself as a sahm or part-time.

Things didn't go quite according to plan at that stage and that is why I am not willing to state categorically that you have gone about the house and children situation asre about face (I don't choose to demand that everyone does things the way I feel they should be done) but if you feel you can waffle on about how much easier it was for my generation I don't feel it unreasonable to point out that as a generation most of us were willing to have things one at a time, and in a better planned order than this generation does!

Fang_3

moggylover wrote: »

One could equally argue that your problem is actually the "want it now" of the current generation, and extreme bad planning!

I bought my own house, on my own, in my early 20's and not long out of uni. To do so, I had to make a choice between my career choice (which was contract work that I could not get a mortgage on in those days) and buying that house. I quit the career job, worked as a secretary by day, and a waitress/barmaid by night (8.30 till 5 in the first job, and 6 till 2.00 in the second job) which gave me the steady salary I needed in order to purchase a home, I saved every penny I could for the deposit and then mortgaged myself to the hilt. It still meant that with high interest rates in those days there was very little money left to eat on once I had paid the mortgage and bills:) Great for the figure though. It also meant that from my early 20's onwards my money was spent on planning for the future and not on expensive cars, holidays, etc. As to furniture: it was the oddest collection of second hand bits and bobs imaginable, but it was all entirely mine! You cannot believe how excited I was when I actually purchased a washing machine brand spanking new at the age of 28:) I still have it (fully working) today though: not something this generation would contemplate I suspect.

I had always wanted a family, but I would never have considered getting pregnant until I had a home of my own for those kids (just my own personal belief that you provide a home and stability first and then work out if you can afford the children:)).

It meant I was working 16 and 18 hour days for some 12 years, and a holiday from the day job meant extra hours I could put in at the second one, and also that I could take on some contracts in my original career choice. I moved from the first flat to a semi-detached house, and then (when my parents retired to Wales) decided that I would move to Wales where I could buy a house more cheaply and that even if I only worked in a shop or restaurant I could support myself. This decision was made easier by the fact that I had had a breakdown (from exhaustion really) and could no longer cope with the hours I was working, and the fact that even friendships were not surviving the degree of neglect necessary to work those hours, let alone relationships.

I then met my ex and at the ripe old age of 37 I finally got the child I had longed for since I was a teenager. It meant my father never got to see his grandchildren (he died two years earlier) but it meant that I had a house with a very tiny mortgage and could provide for my children even with my partner and I both working slightly less than full time on minimum wage, or with him working and myself as a sahm or part-time.

Things didn't go quite according to plan at that stage and that is why I am not willing to state categorically that you have gone about the house and children situation asre about face (I don't choose to demand that everyone does things the way I feel they should be done) but if you feel you can waffle on about how much easier it was for my generation I don't feel it unreasonable to point out that as a generation most of us were willing to have things one at a time, and in a better planned order than this generation does!

Whose fault is that really? Your generation had a better standard of living than the one before you, they the one before them and so on and so forth. Is it really so surprising that each subsequent generation wants to move forward and not backwards? You didn't, why should we?

The Baby Boomers have had a golden life - it may not have been easy, but they've certainly been overly rewarded through more good times than bad. But ask yourself this - did you have an indoor toilet in your first home? My grandmother did, and her mother decided that because of that my grandmother had 'ideas above her station' and wasn't willing to play the cards that she'd been dealt.

It all comes down to a trade off - yes this (my) generation have certain aspects of life easier and more 'luxurious' if you like than yours and you can thank the falling price of goods from countries like China for that. But crucially it's unlikely that a single person working as you did would be able to afford to buy their own home now, never mind have a decent pension return without taking serious risks. And let's not get into the raping of the education system in this country - that is what your generation has done, but it isn't your generation that is suffering because of it - not yet anyway.

Buttonmoons

I do think it's very bad OP's mum won't help her out. It's not like she asking for a regular thing, and as for people saying that how would her mother cope etc, the OP is having next to no sleep and having to do that every single day, it's not really the same as doing it for an afternoon and getting a full night sleep aswell!

I have one DD, who is 4, and my mum is still young (41) and I have a younger sister (7) so we babysit between us, if need be and we are able too. Although I must say it's a lot more take on her part.

I don't really mind though, I enjoy having her over, I used to babysit her every weekend when she was first born (I was 16) although I had no choice in the matter.
DD's Grandparents on her dads side, have had her overnight, probably only a handful of times alone, but she has stayed over there a lot more with her dad too. They are a lot older and her Grandad has a busy job, plus has ill health so it would be unfair to expect them to do it, though they would help out in emergency. Her grandma took her down to her aunties in England for a long weekend, I think that knackered her a bit :rotfl: and her Auntie and fiance, she never stops talking :rotfl:

My friend recently had her 3rd baby, and I have taken her 2yo overnight, the 5yo overnight and told her I'll more than happily take the baby too, I work nights so it wouldn't be a hardship. We live close by, so if she's cream crackered, I'll go over and have her brood and my DD in the living room whilst she catches some Zzzz's. I enjoy it

mummyroysof3

I have been reading this thread with interest as like the OP i have 3 young children and a hubby who works and doesnt help with the kids much. it is very hard work and i get stressed and dont always enjoy it but i would never expect my parents/in laws to take over unless in an emergency or the rare time my mil looks after them its all down to me day and night. with that in mind ive had to do m y best, which isnt always good enough and i spent alot of time feeling guilty but i just get on with it lol

i think maybe OP it would help to come up with some coping stratergys(sp?) speak to the HV and GP if you feel they can help and most important of all look after YOU, even if thats just a nice bath while huubys on duty or sitting and having a coffee while you persuade the kids to sit and have a story quietly lol

remember it wont last for ever, like you said its not that long till they will be all at school/nursery then you can get into a better routine/back to work or whatever you decide

NEH

Has the OP actually calrfied the situation in the sense that her mother refused point blank to hep or that it was simply a misunderstanding that the mother thought she would have to look after them regulary again?

What does come across to me a lot of the times on this board and this may be controversial but does anyone plan to have children anymore? Do people actual sit down and work finances, child care etc out or do they just go ahead and say sod it things will work themselves out...

I know accidents happen and things don't always go to plan but perhaps for those that actually choose to have children is it beyond the realms of possiblities to work out the childcare before getting pregnant?!

I always think it is sad to see kids in nursery for 10 hours a day and then their parents turn round and say well we wouldn't want them to be in nursery all the time, well did you not discuss that before having children....I admit i am old fashioned and seeing kids in nursery for 50 hours a week in my own circles i think is very sad and for the children it's almost like a working day....Their parents get a few snatched hours at the weekend but the kids can't settle properly as they're always away from home and in some cases these scenarios can be avoided simply by parents expecting less form their lives and accepting that now they have children they can't have endless holidays, the latest gadgets and a high expectation of living...If you have children you have to accept that your life will change and that sometimes sacrifices have to be made...

I know i'll get a fair few angry replies so i'll go and duck now...:rotfl: