Should grandparents help out?

LoopyLil_2

elff wrote: »

Hubby took all 3 kids out to soft play this morning - 3 whole hours to myself :T:T:T:T:T:T

Elff, is there a possibility this could be a regular thing? Time to yourself is a 'need' when you have to children to look after for your own sanity. Glad you enjoyed it!

duchy

I suspect with helping out Grandparents-you pretty much reap what you sow.

If you have maintained a close relationship with your parents into adulthood -keep in close touch see each other on a very regular basis then Grandparents are far more likely to want to be involved on a day to day basis than if you've chosen to move away -have contact only on high days and holidays (or just when you want to touch them for a loan).

My son had two very different sets of grandparents. My parents wanted to be involved -and actually "paid" me to stay home for the first six months of my son's life. I needed to return to work -didn't have a choice financially and they said they had earmarked a sum of money that roughly equated to what I would end up after expenses (fares, childcare etc) if I went back to work. They felt giving my son his Mum fulltime for the first six months of his life was a better gift than a lump sum when he was twentyone. Sadly a month after I did return to work my father died very unexpectedly -that gift meant he had got to spend lots of time with his only grandson -had I been working it wouldn't have been nearly so much time.As a side benefit that extra time also gave me time to find a job more locally and with more child friendly hours instead of returning to my original job. However my parents felt that Grandparents weren't obligated -and although helped out when needed -emergencies and the odd night out /shopping trip-as far as working was concerned-I had chosen to have a child and the everyday childcare was my responsibility and I had no problem with that. If I visited-they got the fun -I got the childcare-rightly so-my child my responsibility.

My MIL however didn't have a maternal bone in her body and her ex-husband my son's grandfather had no interest in his son or grandson. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting any support from either of them. She only once took care of my son -in an emergency-for an hour-and warned me that if he needed a nappy change whilst I was gone-she was NOT going to do it-and didn't. (She lived literally around the corner ,my parents half an hour away) EDIT This sounds harsh-I had an excellent relationship with my MIL-we'd often lunch etc -she just didn't "do" children.

I didn't waste time or energy comparing the two different styles or resenting either-both my parents and MIL brought different things to our family life and I appreciated them both (and even appreciated my self centred egotistical FIL for NOT trying to be involved -the man was a rubbish father and woudn't have brought anything positive to the mix). I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of thinking any of them "should" be a particular way -I was raising my son within my family -which was me, my husband and our child-anything else was an added benefit not a right or an entitlement. As an adult my family is my responsibility -helping hands are appreciated but should be not expected and should be respected.

Every mother longs for "me time" but to "expect" grandparents to supply it is unreasonable -find a friend to swop childcare with if you don't have the kind of support available you'd like. One afternoon you have a friend's child and your own -another afternoon they have both kids -sorted.

Fizzpop

After reading through this i feel im quite lucky my mum (though ill) will often help out if i need her to even if its just to nip to the playgroup and collect my son while im in hospital (once a week)

It was different while i was growing up though as i have a brother who is a fair bit younger than me so it felt like i was left out of things sometimes which in turn has made me feel extremely guilty now we have grown up and have children of our own

The reason for this is im still in the same town as my parents and think nothing of dropping everything to go round and help them when they need it as they do for me, but my brother and his partner live quite aways away and feel they aren't able to drop everything and come over when they are needed, yet do still expect our parents to because they do for me.

There is a saying A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life, and going through some of these posts its quite clear to see when people have spoken about daughters choosing their owns mums over the PIL and this is very true of my brothers partner she will choose her mum, her brother even her best friend for babysitting duties over my mum or me (me probably because i have very different ideas on how to bring up children to her) but i have often offered to have their daughter once a month for a weekend so they can go out but so far my offer has been declined, i think they feel i have my hands full with my own family and the one i have on the way to be dealing with another one right now, but i have a seven seat car and car seats galore, and ready beds and even a cot and a travel cot so not short on space or time as im a sahm

birkee

I'm sorry for all of you struggling with your situation regarding Grandparents who lack input into your difficulties, BUT......
what about all those people who don't have those Grandparents?

Your life is of your own making, and is your own responsibility, and if there are any Grandparents making life easier for you, then gratitude will be more appreciated than the attitude of "it's your duty" might form a better relationship. For some posters, it seems that the relationship with their parents is the problem......who formed the breach that turned it from goodwill, into a 'If I have to relationship'? Maybe the Grandparents themselves, maybe the people needing help.

From my perspective......we (my Wife and I) never had the Grandparents to help out, but having raised three kids ourselves, we find ourselves as two semi disabled pensioners, lumbered with a teenage boy aged 17 when he arrived, who's fallen out with his Mother, living with us. Just over 12 months of keeping him on our pension, with no family allowance to help, and just recently (last week) getting 'job seekers allowance' and has given us ONE sum of money so far, to help with his keep. He spent nearly every hour of every day upstairs on his Xbox for 12 months, but has now started on the Princes Trust, so is now getting out.

As parents, we raised our three children.....but now, as Grandparents, we are being ill used because of one of them not managing their life effectively. We do help out with anothers Daughters two children too. My Wife has had two heart bypasses, barely surviving the second, and has other problems too......I've got a chronic back problem registering me as disabled (8 two inch screws in my sacrum and spine, so not a twinge of Sciatica) which means I can barely stand up a lot of the time. Who does all the cooking, washing and cleaning, and pays to support a third person on our pensions?

YOU jumped in the lake, so YOU swim! Be grateful for any help you get, but you have no right to expect it. As two semi disabled pensioners, shouldn't we be expecting help from our children instead? (All three of ours live remotely, so it doesn't happen. One close enough to use us for child minding though.)

8pnoodles

I do think twins is something else though, especially with one with a health issue. Have you tried Tamba?

I think some of these posts are unfair, no one plans for twins! Tamba have done a study and parents of twins are more likely to have financial problems, marital problems and more post natal depression. It is full on, relentless, and to be honest if someone takes just one of mine for a bit, it is heaven! I am jealous of people who have one baby at a time, and can plan their lives a bit better. Double buggies are heavy with two toddlers and there are so many places I can't go without help - on a bus, swimming, soft play unless it is an enclosed area, etc, etc. I love my boys and wouldn't swap them for anything though.
Try and get in touch with a local twin club if you can for support too.

I get a bt of help from my grandparents but they are always on holiday or have cold after cold so not much help really.

I have been told it gets easier when they are about six! You have three under five, you deserve a medal. Good luck and definitely check into the food intolerance thing. PM me if you want.

aloise

Why do people EXPECT grandparents to always help out these days. They have brought up their own children usually without anybody helping them out so why should they feel obliged to do it again.
I have helped at times but don't feel any obligation to do it all the time. And to expect pensioners to look after more than one is totally out of order. We just haven't the energy or patience of a younger person. If you want your kids looked after pay a child minder. It's the "i want this so should have it "syndrome that seems to affect younger people today. My daughter, who worke full time, was asked to mind her grandson on her one day off (the mother doesn't work and is on benefits )and when she refused was told she couldn't see her grandson again. And the mother has kept to her word

poet123

FatVonD wrote: »

If my mum babysits for me she expects me to pay her or buy her a gift and she would never dream of changing her routine to help out, everything is just too much trouble for her.

Perhaps because she senses or has been told of your feelings that she is morally obligated to help both physically and financially?

FatVonD wrote: »

Going to bingo was more important to her than me being allowed a child-free day when I was supposedly on my honeymoon.

I do think that was a tad unthinking though, but again could you be reaping what you have sown? It is easy to see the wrongs in others but not see our own faults.

moggylover wrote: »

I think you have missed the point of my post altogether in rushing to Fatballz defence actually Fang:)

My point is, that if Fatballz and his partner have a joint income of £70K, then they can afford to buy a house in the UK: not necessarily the house they want, but a house. They could have saved BEFORE getting to the stage of having children (either singly or as a couple) and then they would have been able to have afforded to save a lot more, and buy a better house because they would not have had to afford childcare (even government subsidised - which it wasn't in my day;)) and they could then have taken the time to put that house in the order they wanted (I always bought do-it-uppers because that made them cheaper in the first place) before they had their children. That they are still trying to save up for a home now, with the children already in place could be seen to be extremely bad planning for people purportedly well educated enough to be earning fairly reasonable salaries:)



I agree entirely that house prices are vastly over-inflated in the SE of England and also in other pockets around the UK. However, this is not the fault of the boomers so much as the fault of an economy that has become more and more centralised on a few small areas of the UK, and thus movement to those areas has put too much pressure on prices there, as has immigration of the skilled kind that will obviously want to be where the work is.

I still don't think that many of this generation would be willing to live the way many of my own generation did in order to buy their own houses. Floor boards missing, deck-chairs for seating (longish term as well) and just a mattress moved from room to room whilst renovations took years to do was quite the norm, and such things as TV's and stereos were available quite cheaply but were considered non-essentials that you waited to "inherit" when a family member or friend could afford a new one, or that you picked up second-hand. Most things were mendable, and my lord did they get mended (much like Triggers broom in Fools and Horses):)

However, the one thing we DID have better was that there was more work, more variety of work, better working contracts and a better distribution of work around the UK, and yes, I would put the loss of that firmly at the feet of the minority of upper-middle-class, baby-boomers who orchestrated the wholesale destruction of that situation:)

Well said, I agree with all you have stated, but I think it is the sense of "entitlement" that shines through which is the thing which differentiates the generations. We didnt expect to have it all instantly, and second hand was fine.

My mother did a lot of child care for me, she was here every day, but she made it very cleat that she was a help to me not a substitute, and that she would not look after my children whilst I worked. She had a great relationship with my three eldest, and enjoyed the babyhood of my youngest. They loved to stay with her overnight when they were older, when it was as much, if not more, for her benefit than theirs. They were bereft when she died.

esmerelda98

aloise wrote: »

My daughter, who worke full time, was asked to mind her grandson on her one day off (the mother doesn't work and is on benefits )and when she refused was told she couldn't see her grandson again. And the mother has kept to her word

Whilst many grandparents want to be involved in their grandchildrens' lives, I suspect a fair few do more than they want to or feel able to because they fear reduced access to their grandchildren.

moneysaver12

I am not close to my mum, but that is not my doing. My mum has barely been there for me since i was about 15. She has always favoured my brother and sister. I have tried to explain how i feel but its always about her, about how she feels. We made the effort to go and see her last month, yet she still comes and sees my brother but doesn't bother coming to see us. My brother rarely goes to her house. She moved away from the town where i live and will be coming back here to live in a couple of weeks. I think that even through she will be nearer she will still have an excuse on why she doesn't come to see us. She always has an excuse, usually she tries to push it back on to me.

I have had health issues and been through some bad things. She wasn't there for me at all. I asked for help and she said no. This makes me very relucant now to ask her for help. Yet now she is moving out of her partners because she babies my sister and doesn't seem to think that my 28 year old sister can live on her own. She now comes to me for help.

When my little boy was born, whilst i was pregnant she asked me twice if she could come to the hospital to see me and baby. I said yes, then a few days before i had my little boy, she announced she couldn't come because she was having my brothers children for two nights. She had wanted to bring them to hospital with her to see me, but only children of the parents are allowed. She had known when i was going in to hospital as i was having a c section. Then she wanted to come and see me at my house on the day that i was going to be discharged from hospital and bring my nieces with her. I didn't feel up to having two young children jumping around, when i had a new born baby, had barely had any sleep for over a week and was in pain from the c section.

moneysaver12

Dont understand why parents are like that pigpen. They dont want to help, yet expect you to help them.

Sorry to hear that your mum wont help elff. Wanted to send you hugs, i really feel for you.