Should grandparents help out?

Mojisola

aloise wrote: »

Why do people EXPECT grandparents to always help out these days. They have brought up their own children usually without anybody helping them out so why should they feel obliged to do it again.

I don't think it's got anything to do with "these days". It's only in the last few generations that families became separated from the wider genetic group. Throughout most of human history, children have been brought up by the tribe or the wider family and have benefited from it.

BitterAndTwisted

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think it's got anything to do with "these days". It's only in the last few generations that families became separated from the wider genetic group. Throughout most of human history, children have been brought up by the tribe or the wider family and have benefited from it.

Agreed. If we remember back only one or two generations, it was commonplace for working-class people to have several generations living in the same house, never mind in separate houses in the same street or town. That certainly was true of my own family and I know that we weren't atypical. The other side of the same coin was that once the aged rellies got too frail to look after the grandchildren they needed help from the rest of the family to look after them. Now that that kind of link has been broken we have some families who won't or can't involve themselves with their grandchildren's day-to-day lives and endless numbers of old folk being cared for by strangers.

I wonder if economic necessity will change all that? From where I'm standing it looks like it might be a change for the better. All this nuclear family guff appears to have failed us in so many ways.

MadDogWoman_2

My mum has looked after all her grandchildren at some point or another whilst the parents worked.

I know I wouldn't have been able to return to work if that hadn't been the case, my DH works shifts so would have had to pay for a full time place for part time hours.

I had my dad counting down the days until he retired so that he could spend time with my DD, he looks forward to his Fridays when he collects her from playgroup then they go to lunch and to the park. He has all kinds of trips planned for the summer.

I love the fact that my parents have such a good bond with her, I was closer to one grandparent than the other mainly due to distance. I only ever stayed at either grandparents once mainly due to their age, health and me not liking staying over in other peoples houses.

skintchick

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think it's got anything to do with "these days". It's only in the last few generations that families became separated from the wider genetic group. Throughout most of human history, children have been brought up by the tribe or the wider family and have benefited from it.

This is true. But if we choose to move away from our families, and perhaps not to move back when we have children (which is my situation, my OH lived 5 miles from both sets of our parents when we married and I insisted we lived in 'my' town 100 miles away and refused to move back even when we moved house this year) then we make our bed and we should lie in it, twins or not.

My neighbour has all her OH's family literally a few doors down and she hardly ever looks after her own child! Someone in the family always seems to have her! She has just had another one and Im sure will be getting loads of help. Course, it's a double-edged sword from what she tells me but sometimes I do envy her a bit for all her free time.

However, we can become members of modern tribes instead, for me it's my church, people there would happily have my DD if I asked. I don;t ask, but I could, and perhaps that is what keeps me sane! Maybe we should cultivate groups of friends of all ages around us by getting to know our neighbours and buidling communities again?

Mojisola

skintchick wrote: »

However, we can become members of modern tribes instead, for me it's my church, people there would happily have my DD if I asked. I don;t ask, but I could, and perhaps that is what keeps me sane! Maybe we should cultivate groups of friends of all ages around us by getting to know our neighbours and buidling communities again?

I couldn't agree more! If you don't live around family or life-long friends who are "almost" family, it's wonderful to make your own new tribe.

property.advert

My gut feeling is that all these questions should have been thought out well before the OP got pregnant. But here we are, another few mouths for the state to feed and educate, waiting for "free" child places (just who does pay for all this ?) and then criticising one granny for being old and another for working.

It is never the responsibility of the parent is it ?

andrealm

property.advert wrote: »

My gut feeling is that all these questions should have been thought out well before the OP got pregnant. But here we are, another few mouths for the state to feed and educate, waiting for "free" child places (just who does pay for all this ?) and then criticising one granny for being old and another for working.

It is never the responsibility of the parent is it ?

Did you actually bother to read the thread before going off on a rant?
Who pays for free child places, um that would be taxpayers like the OP's husband. The whole point is that as he is out all day working long hours, she's on her own all day with twins (no one sets out to have twins) and a 4 year old. If the state was feeding them, she wouldn't have a problem because her dh would be at home all day to help out!

NEH

andrealm wrote: »

Neh, you must have missed the many, many threads where people have been asking for advice on planning financially for having children, asking about the cost of childcare and so on. Yes, I'm sure there are also people who rush into it without thinking about the financial side, but I'd imagine that was also the case "back in the day"

and there's also a huge number of threads where the advice is oh you'll muddle through, never a right time to have children, you can't plan for them etc...

8pnoodles wrote: »

I do think twins is something else though, especially with one with a health issue. Have you tried Tamba?

I think some of these posts are unfair, no one plans for twins! Tamba have done a study and parents of twins are more likely to have financial problems, marital problems and more post natal depression. It is full on, relentless, and to be honest if someone takes just one of mine for a bit, it is heaven! I am jealous of people who have one baby at a time, and can plan their lives a bit better. Double buggies are heavy with two toddlers and there are so many places I can't go without help - on a bus, swimming, soft play unless it is an enclosed area, etc, etc. I love my boys and wouldn't swap them for anything though.
Try and get in touch with a local twin club if you can for support too.

That's the thing though, yes no one knows they will have twins but it is always something you should think about before getting pregnant, you might even end up with triplets or even more....

There is no guarantee there will be one and yes it is a shock, a huge and mighty shock but it always a risk when you get pregnant that you will have more than one and this should be taken into account. To think any other way is naive....

As with any risk in life you have to weight up the worst possible scenario and plan for that "just in case"(wrong choice of words but i can't think of better ones right now!)


Glad i'm not the only ducking down here! :rotfl:

FatVonD

poet123 wrote: »

Perhaps because she senses or has been told of your feelings that she is morally obligated to help both physically and financially?

Nope, she is just an incredibly selfish and grabbing person! When a friend of theirs called to tell my mum her husband had died the first words out of my mother's mouth were 'can we buy his hat'? (The husband and my dad worked together in a job that required them to wear a bowler hat.)

Not sure what you mean about my feelings that she is morally obligated to help, I didn't even ask her to stay after I'd given birth and have never asked for their help financially, I have been independent since I was 18!

poet123 wrote: »

I do think that was a tad unthinking though, but again could you be reaping what you have sown? It is easy to see the wrongs in others but not see our own faults.

I'm not sure what you mean about reaping what I've sown so I can't answer that!

red_devil

my own grannies were on the scene. My one grannie used to babysit and stay the night it suited her as she was widowed and meant she got some company plus parents didnt have to rush back.

She used to have my elder sister to stay over at her house some weekends too. My sister then got interested in boys and didnt want to go. She then died. I expect i would have gone next if she had lived?