Am I right to stop overnight access?

Pixiechic

Hi,

I have to say that I agree with much if not all of what puddy has advised.

Your ex does not sound perfect by any sense but he sounds like he is keen to nuture a relationship with his children and is making an effort. I feel that maybe as he only has the baby once or twice a week he might not have the confidence that you have achieved by being with them so much more. It sounds as though, with a bit of patience and understanding on both sides you could both work this out and be great parents to your children albeit in different ways maybe.

The main point is that your children need to know that Mum and Dad love them, are both there for them and are responsible for their continued nuture and care. I doubt that your babies routine being interupted slightly for one night could be anywhere near as damaging as refusing their Dad access for overnight stays. Thats just my opinion but I would choose my battles here and maybe try to see some positives.

Good luck, your children sound loved by both you and your ex and that is always the best foundation which I hope can become more amicable in the future .

SingleMumOf2_3

Thank you for your comments. I think I will stick by only letting him have baby in the daytime this weekend and not overnight while I try and get into the routine again. But I will offer him an extra day in the week to take baby out by himself while I spend quality time with our eldest.
He has only just started his job, so I have never bothered asking for maintenance before because he was on jsa. Tbh I wont bother asking now either even if he sticks with this job. Though have now stopped sending healthy start vouchers and offering nappies and wipes. I will still send baby milk.. as I just cant NOT send it when he says he has none. As you cant always guarantee when a baby might become hungry and I do not know if he would go out and buy some straight away.
Sorry if I do not reply for a while if anyone else comments.. I am off to CAB to sign the last of the paperwork to FINALLY get my DRO processed. One stress out of the way at least!

Flyboy152

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I can say positive about him. he is a great father in the respects apart from what i have spoke about. he feeds and clothes them.

Hang on, didn't you say that he doesn't pay anything towards their support?

Buttonmoons

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

puddy no as I am going bankrupt.. well a less harsher kind of bankruptcy called a DRO. If I am honest no I do not think he would attend even if he didnt have to pay. But surely its worth a go to try and agree on how the kids are brought up.
I promised him I would never ask for child maintenance, even though his new job will give him 2k a month. Promised I would never stop him seeing him children. All I have asked is he try and be a good dad. He says he wants the kids 50/50 and half my benefits. which i would actually be fine with if he did right by the children. eg, not teaching swearing and bad behaviour. feeding them healthy. And the reason he doesnt have 50/50 is also because our eldest attends nursery 2 mornings a week.. so I would have him less than his dad is I changed it to 3 1/2 days a week.
I want our kids to grow up seeing both parents and both families. But I worry about unstability that goes on at dads.. and the not even trying to help with some matters.

If he's not paying you any child support tell him to jog on if he wants half your benefits, I can't believe you put your baby there AND have to give him the milk? Does he pay anything towards his kids?
Does he teach your eldest to swear?

Buttonmoons

Flyboy152 wrote: »

Hang on, didn't you say that he doesn't pay anything towards their support?

Probably with the milk and clothes she puts there.

Johnny_Barnes10

I split from my youngest's Mum when she was a few weeks old. Have always had her at least once overnight. And apart from her telling me what time she wants her in bed for (I stick to this), anything else goes as long as baby's not in danger. She knows I wouldn't have her telling me what to do, we talk about any given situation. Same with my boy as well.

adouglasmhor

kaya wrote: »

so annoying, women are always first in the money que when a relationship splits up shouting" it takes two, its your child as well, your equally responsible" seems us men are only equal when it suits you , you have no right to restrict access, and why do you assume that "your way" is the right way where bringing up kids is concerned?

Your relationship split up because you are a !!!!!!, you know that don't you?

Nicki

I do I'm afraid struggle to accept OP's criticism of her ex only wanting a quiet life, when he has taken a very difficult and demanding baby overnight for 3 days in every fortnight for 6 months, when he could easily have left her to it "in the interests of the baby while he is so young". I'm also not sure that it is in fact "easier" to be up 6 times in the night, each time making up a feed, giving it and then soothing a fractious child to sleep, as opposed to putting the cot in a room with the door shut and letting the baby cry itself out!

The ex may do things differently from the OP. He may not be able to tolerate seeing his child in distress. But nothing which has been posted suggests he is lazy or uncaring, just a dad trying to do his best for his young baby in very difficult circumstances.

Johnny_Barnes10

Agree with the above, but can also see the OP's point of her losing less sleep. As long as the baby's ok I don't see what difference it makes to how he copes with their child.

Flyboy152

Buttonmoons wrote: »

Probably with the milk and clothes she puts there.

No, to say, "he feeds and clothes them" generally means that he provides food and clothing for them.