Am I right to stop overnight access?

patchwork_cat

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

:eek:No wonder dads end up not bothering with access and the bond is broken in so many families.

Why should he go along with her routines for the next 18 years? He's their dad. He's not a baby sitter.

You will end up not only with very confused children if both parents do not sing from the same hymn sheet, but probably manipulative indivuals. That doesn't make for a happy and secure adult which is the name of the game isn't it? I would personally want an agreement as to how to raise the children.

Flyboy152

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

the HV advised me last week to stop overnight contact.. and dad agreed. but then last minute he asked could he still have him for 1 night and would carry on the routine and cc as I had. I wrote it all down in clear steps.. the times he has been having bottles and solids and naps etc. I worked it all around our toddlers routine and set it out as easily as I could. he didnt even get it out of the bag and look at it, he admitted that much.
he complains that baby wakes every 30 mins etc when with him.. but wont help to meet me half way and at least "try" the routine with him. he isnt one for wanting to compromise. I keep asking and asking that he does not swear infront of our eldest. asked him not to teach him bad words for a laugh because it will be our son that is at a disadvantage from it in the long run. but he just finds it amusing and continues to do it.

he is more concerned with being in a relationship with anyone who will have him... is more concerned about money and looking like the perfect dad. but when it comes to details.. on what is best for the children.. he just wont listen. I wouldnt mind if he tried things.. and then said it wasnt working out. or actually said to me "i dont agree with such and such because..". but instead he just says he will do it, and then doesnt.

I even told him I would leave my phone on all night.. and if he had any problems or questions about cc to ring me, as I would be more than willing to help.

I know i paint him in a really negative light.. but I do not know how else to speak about him? because he is just that.. negative, always stressing, always moaning.. shouts infront of the kids. I just want my kids to grow up happy

And I admit not everything I do is "right" but I am trying to figure out the right way to do things. If I was fully sure of my decisions then I wouldnt be on here asking for advice??

They did what???????? :eek: It is none of their flipping business. However, I suspect that is not really true and you made it up to bolster your story that you told your child's father.

puddy

then i think if he is as difficult to engage as you say, you need to apply to court. he may well refuse to go....and if so the court may order a cafcass or social services report, if he refuses to engage with this, then courts may make an order based on this. then you have your order which you both need to stick to.

however, i wouldnt put it in terms like this just yet, its in his interests to really think about the future for these 2 children and what he thinks his parenting style will create. its in his interests to show that he understands their needs and by not engaging in mediation or the court process he will fail to demonstrate this.

tattycath

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

sublime exactly my point.. I am happy with him having him in the day.. dropping him just before bedtime so cc can start. I would still allow overnight if I thought I could cope with no sleep for the next few months constantly trying to undo it again.
And yes dads do have the same rights.. but 1 parent has to be the resident parent. and my home is more stable than his. which is why I am the resident parent. It's more likely because you're the mother, in England in more cases than not, the mother is the resident parent-more to do with sexism against male parents that their home not being stable.I try my hardest to stick to routines so my children know what comes next and dont get confused.
and if all I were concerned about was money.. then surely I would have applied for csa by now? and wouldnt be sending baby milk etc?

Can you say anything positive about your ex? I'm not with my ex and he has his faults (haven't we all) but he is the father of my children and he does love them and the relationship between father and child is as important as relationship between mother and child-particularly when child is too young to make decisions. Teamwork is needed and more pulling together-on both parts. Is it possible he knows you have such a low opinion of him or that whatever he does will be wrong in your eyes?

patchwork_cat

kaya wrote: »

so annoying, women are always first in the money que when a relationship splits up shouting" it takes two, its your child as well, your equally responsible" seems us men are only equal when it suits you , you have no right to restrict access, and why do you assume that "your way" is the right way where bringing up kids is concerned?

You are making sweeping statements. You have absolutely no idea what the OP's attitude is, so not relevant. DO NOT GENERALISE.

warehouse

I fail to see how a baby can get into a routine of any kind when at 2 different residences, 2 different cots, 2 different smells, temperatures etc etc. It's difficult enough with some babies to get any routine when there is no variation in environment. I have to say that I think you are being a little bit too hard on Dad.

The common sense method, if Dad agrees, would be to restrict night access until the baby is at a much more advanced stage and able to cope with the changes. Perhaps Dad could have a bit more daytime access to make up? When all's said and done the baby needs routine, and, (in my opinion), at this young age is not the time to be swapping cots regularly.

puddy

would you be able to go to relate?

Sublime_2

OP don't feel like you have to explain yourself on here. I can see that you're trying to do whats right. I hope it all goes ok.

puddy

warehouse wrote: »

I fail to see how a baby can get into a routine of any kind when at 2 different residences, 2 different cots, 2 different smells, temperatures etc etc. It's difficult enough with some babies to get any routine when there is no variation in environment. I have to say that I think you are being a little bit too hard on Dad.

The common sense method, if Dad agrees, would be to restrict night access until the baby is at a much more advanced stage and able to cope with the changes. Perhaps Dad could have a bit more daytime access to make up? When all's said and done the baby needs routine, and, (in my opinion), at this young age is not the time to be swapping cots regularly.

plenty of parents manage this if they work together

SingleMumOf2_3

I can say positive about him. he is a great father in the respects apart from what i have spoke about. he feeds and clothes them. interacts with the. takes them places. and wants to be part of their life. i think the main problem is he just does not see the damage some things can cause.
I have just phone family mediation. but both parties have to pay for it. which i know he would refuse.
and court seems so extreme.
and i apologise it wasnt the hv who advised.. it was a nursery nurse sent by the hv. my apologies.