Am I right to stop overnight access?

puddy

well i think you really need a different mindset. your whole language and approach seems to be that you are the one in charge and you tell him what to do and 'allow' him the time you consider to be ok. thats not appropriate

secondly, there is some contradiction, you say he agrees with CC but then say that he argues and disagrees about plans, methods etc. what does he really feel about it, is he just agreeing with you verbally because he doesnt really 'get it'. as indicated above, you have chosen to use this method but its not the only one.

what does he think about having no night access for the time that it will take you to get the routine up and running. you need to bear in mind that any change in routine (ie going back to dads at night) will inevitably disrupt that routine, whether that would be enough to prevent the child sleeping through at dads you dont know yet.

during court assessments a key question is 'what is the affect of a change of circumstance on the child'

the change in circumstance you are suggesting here is that child doesnt go to dads overnight for an unspecified period of time. there will be possible benefits and disadvantages to that and you need to consider these properly if you are concerned about the welfare of your child and their relationship with dad. how do you think it would affect the bond you have with your child if dad had overnight care of the child but you could see him any time?

you're running him down a lot, its clear he needs help and skills to ensure that he knows how to a) recognise the child's needs and b) meet them.

are there any neutral elders you can use, grandparents who have good relationships with you both? neighbours, even the HV if you get on with her

for what its worth, i suspect that your method is likely to work and is useful but you are dismissing the father's role far too quickly and dont seem to want to consider his input

Sublime_2

I would ask your ex to stick to the set routine of CC. If it isn't going to work, I would ask if he would prefer to have the baby during the day instead while you concentrate on getting baby into a good sleep routine, or alternatively discuss something that you will both stick to.

I know how important it is, after having two criers who woke up for 2 hourly feeds. Its exhausting. For me changing to formula milk, and introducing lullabies sorted my bedtime routine out.

kaya

so annoying, women are always first in the money que when a relationship splits up shouting" it takes two, its your child as well, your equally responsible" seems us men are only equal when it suits you , you have no right to restrict access, and why do you assume that "your way" is the right way where bringing up kids is concerned?

SingleMumOf2_3

the HV advised me last week to stop overnight contact.. and dad agreed. but then last minute he asked could he still have him for 1 night and would carry on the routine and cc as I had. I wrote it all down in clear steps.. the times he has been having bottles and solids and naps etc. I worked it all around our toddlers routine and set it out as easily as I could. he didnt even get it out of the bag and look at it, he admitted that much.
he complains that baby wakes every 30 mins etc when with him.. but wont help to meet me half way and at least "try" the routine with him. he isnt one for wanting to compromise. I keep asking and asking that he does not swear infront of our eldest. asked him not to teach him bad words for a laugh because it will be our son that is at a disadvantage from it in the long run. but he just finds it amusing and continues to do it.

he is more concerned with being in a relationship with anyone who will have him... is more concerned about money and looking like the perfect dad. but when it comes to details.. on what is best for the children.. he just wont listen. I wouldnt mind if he tried things.. and then said it wasnt working out. or actually said to me "i dont agree with such and such because..". but instead he just says he will do it, and then doesnt.

I even told him I would leave my phone on all night.. and if he had any problems or questions about cc to ring me, as I would be more than willing to help.

I know i paint him in a really negative light.. but I do not know how else to speak about him? because he is just that.. negative, always stressing, always moaning.. shouts infront of the kids. I just want my kids to grow up happy

And I admit not everything I do is "right" but I am trying to figure out the right way to do things. If I was fully sure of my decisions then I wouldnt be on here asking for advice??

SingleMumOf2_3

sublime exactly my point.. I am happy with him having him in the day.. dropping him just before bedtime so cc can start. I would still allow overnight if I thought I could cope with no sleep for the next few months constantly trying to undo it again.
And yes dads do have the same rights.. but 1 parent has to be the resident parent. and my home is more stable than his. which is why I am the resident parent. I try my hardest to stick to routines so my children know what comes next and dont get confused.
and if all I were concerned about was money.. then surely I would have applied for csa by now? and wouldnt be sending baby milk etc?

SingleMumOf2_3

kaya so is introducing the children to a new woman every few weeks the best way to bring the kids up? teaching them to swear and hit and say rascist words? allowing them to eat junk rather than main meals because they decide they dont want the main meal?
I am trying to do right by my kids.. and I allow him to do as he pleases with them when they are at his.. to an extent. But when it effects how happy they are then surely I am alllowed to put my foot down and say something

puddy

ask your HV to put that in writing and then see what she says...


yes, there are clear child care issues here that need to be amended and at the end of your tether you speak (and think) of his abilities negatively. the 2 of you need joint support to move forward.

would be be willing to involve himself in HV appointments? would you, or he be able to spend a night together (separate rooms of course) so that he can see what needs to happen in action?

your last resort if you feel that you cant manage this alone is to apply to court yourself (you dont need legal representation) to get access decided that way. the court wont make any order without suggesting mediation (you have to pay for mediation) and this i would suggest is likely to be very helpful to you both

if he wants to be an effective parent he does need to learn how to meet their needs. needs to understand the long term implications of behavioural management... does he want his children getting into trouble at school for poor behaviour,does he want his children becoming bullies, does he want his children to fail at school because they're always getting in trouble for swearing or shouting at other children because this is what they see him doing??

BUT,, you need to present this information neutrally. does he read? is he able and willing to read some parenting books from the mans perspective? no parent is ever going to be perfect. what do his parents feel?

SingleMumOf2_3

I have suggested mediation to set something up properly re access and he refuses. wants to do it all between us. but this leads to arguments frequently (not infront of the children). I ask frequently for him to stay for a brew and discuss it. even when we dont discuss the kids.. he will ask can he stay a few hours to see baby after dropping our eldest off.. but after half an hour says he needs to get going because he has things to do.
he doesnt read. keeps threatening to take me to court for full custody of the kids. but i think if i applied to court myself he would just refuse to go.. or would get his family involved who would lie to my disadvantage.
he is the one who mithered me to file for divorce when we first split. which i did. and then he refused to sign any of it. i ended up back and forth to the solicitor with the kids in tow.. stressed as hell. all because he thought he was getting to me, and it would make me get back with him.
its just driving me mad, and i know i am seeming unfair wanting to challenge his parenting sometimes. but i struggle on my own when baby is waking every 5-15 minutes all night every night.. having a toddler who is tired and moody all day because baby has woken him so often.
I struggle when I take my eldest out and he is saying rascist words and I am getting frowned upon. because it doesnt mean anything when I explain I havent taught it him, when they can see i discipline. they just act as if I have taught him to be disrespectful.
If I trusted him as a parent to do things right I would have no issue with him having shared custody. but right now it is beneficial for me to have the kids more than him so that I can try and counteract all the bad he teaches.

soupdragon10

It does sound from what you have said that your ex is taking less interest in the babies best interests than his own. It cannot be good for baby to start getting into a routine and then have this disrupted, babies need to learn good sleep patterns as soon as possible.

My DD didn't sleep a whole night until she was 4 1/2 and she still has poor sleep patterns now. I wish I'd known all those years ago about CC.

You are not denying your ex access, you are only asking him to adopt the same routines that your baby is getting used to.

SingleMumOf2_3

Can i just add.. I will google mediation and phone them for advice.. find out how much it costs. Not sure I can afford it as my DRO is finally going through this week or next. But if I can persuade him to go.. then if it will benefit our children I will go in an instant.