Am I right to stop overnight access?

SingleMumOf2_3

My childrens dad has them both overnight. Baby who is just turned 6 months goes 1 night 1 week.. and 2 nights the next.

Last week I start controlled crying because baby was waking every 5-15 minutes at night and would only settle with a few mouthfuls of sleep. He also couldnt get to sleep on his own in the day and was unhappy and unsettled all day (we know now it was because he was tired).

Anyway I started controlled crying Thursday night.. even after the first night I had great results.

He got into a lovely routine.. bedtime and bottle at 7pm.. would wake at 12pm for a bottle.. then 4-5am for a bottle.. would then have another bottle at 9am and some breakfast at 9.30am. Would have a nap at 11am which I would also used to cc technique for but downstairs in his bouncer.

He turned into a much happier, content baby.. who slept a lot longer and didnt wake frequently screaming like before. He also started to enjoy having breakfast and tea again.

Anyway.. Sunday night I allowed him to go to dads overnight as usual (against my gut feeling). As he promised he would stick to CC and not give milk between the times set (unless he woke and was genuinely hungry).

When he dropped him back off the next morning I asked how it went.. to be told he had gone to bed at 7pm.. woke at 9pm and was given a bottle (but only had a bit).. woke at 12pm, 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am and 5am.. but didnt have full feeds.

I have told him that he is not having overnight access with baby now until I have completed controlled crying.. as I have now had to start back at square one with controlled crying and am finding it even harder to do now.. because he got his own way and was comforted with milk when he didn't need it.

Dad is obviously kicking up a fuss.. but I cannot go with no sleep all week working my little butt off with controlled crying to get my happy baby back.. for it to be undone every week and me having to start again from the start over and over every week.

I know dads have the same access rights as mothers.. but they say its the child who decides the access.. it depends on the well being of the child and what will benefit them.
So surely right now it will benefit baby not to have overnight with dad. I have asked him again will he stick to it, and he said no because it wakes our toddler.. what does he think happens all week when I am doing all the hard work?!?

sorry for the rant, not in the best of moods after being up all night with a screaming baby

patchwork_cat

As I remember you posting before starting the controlled crying, then definately yes. I think it would be wise to get your baby into a proper established routine before allowing the disruption of staying somewhere else. It might only take a couple of weeks.

You are the primary carer and he has to agree to go along with your routines before ANY access or you are going to have continual battles all their childhood.

Gingham_Ribbon

No. Sorry, I don't think it's right to refuse access.

Although I really do sympathise and understand how it feels to have babies who don't sleep - neither of mine did for the first 18 months - but he's their daddy and it's up to him what he does with them while they're there.

It would be great if you could work together to find a way of doing this that suits both of you. But if that's not possible, the best thing for your baby it for him to continue to see both his parents.

He's not happy with controlled crying. You're not happy with the waking without it. Is there a compromise to be reached? What about another method? CC isn't the only way to stop night waking.

Gingham_Ribbon

patchwork_cat wrote: »

You are the primary carer and he has to agree to go along with your routines before ANY access or you are going to have continual battles all their childhood.

:eek:No wonder dads end up not bothering with access and the bond is broken in so many families.

Why should he go along with her routines for the next 18 years? He's their dad. He's not a baby sitter.

Ihatecameron

I think the dad should only have access during the day until the child is old enough to cope with constant change.

SingleMumOf2_3

I didnt say I was stopping ALL access.. I am talking about stopping OVERNIGHT access for 2 weeks while I get through controlled crying. He is more concerned with being on facebook all evening and having an easy life. Rather than even try and let baby cry or self settle he will just offer milk.. or strong sugary juice!

This is also the man that after introducing 2 girlfriends in the last move who he planned on moving in with, aswell as getting another pregnant from a 1 night stand is now on yet another girlfriend who he is planning on introducing to my children days after starting to date her.

I have tried compromise with him. I asked him last week if its ok I take him to his friends birthday party on a Saturday in march.. he has said no because its his mums time with my toddler.. yet my poor mum doesnt get that much time with him. Surely its about whats good for the children. routine is good for the children. being settled is good for them, knowing whats going to happen next. surely my son going to his friends birthday parties is good for him. how can I hold a party for him when its his birthday and expect his friends to turn up when he doesnt go to theirs? because they are always at a weekend when he stays at dads. and dad refuses to take him because "they are my friends".

I feel like I cannot do right by wrong. I can do all I want to please dad.. but it doesnt always benefit my children and I am the one stuck trying to correct bad language, messed up routines, hitting, etc.. while he gets the easy task of being mr playful and allowing naughtyness. How can that be good for the kids? or am I totally irrational and this is normal that a single mum should struggle like hell while dad gets it easy and doesnt pay for his kids?

ema_o

I think you are right to say unless he works with you on this it is best for the baby not to stay overnight until he is in a routine of not waking in the night. As you have mentioned he has been happier and more contented in this routine, so surely that is the best for the child.

I do not think you should stop access (I don't think this is what you're suggesting) or that the father must go along with you on everything - but in this circumstance it sounds like getting into a routine is best for the baby.

pinkshoes

Firstly, routines don't just happen in a week, and you often get a setback night after a week of implementing routine. Children don't always stick to routines, so how do you know that it was your ex's fault rather than the baby just being a baby?? I'm implementing routine on my 12 week old at the moment, and he does have nights where I feel I'm back to square one.

If one night a week is disrupting the routine, then perhaps the kids could stay three or four nights once a fortnight, so he has them for longer periods of time - that way he gets more chance to work on the routine?

You chose to have kids together, which is an 18+ year commitment to each other, so you need to work together, regardless of the reasons for your relationship breakdown. He's their father, not a baby sitter.

As for the friend's birthday party, if it's HIS weekend to have the kids, then why can't he take them? or him and his mum?

puddy

firstly is there any court order saying that overnight stays are part of the order?

secondly, neither you nor your ex have 'rights' of access or care, the child has the rights not the adults

thirdly, if you imagine that you were parenting together (as ideally you would both still be doing despite having split), if you lived in the same housse and you and he 'disagreed' about the bedtime methods. what would you do? you would work it out and develop a method that works for you both.

does he actually disagree with CC or is he finding it hard to carry out?

I would sit down and work out a plan to help you both, what information does he have about CC methods, does he really understand the theory behind it and why its used? (thats very difficult to you just telling him what to do)

if he doesnt mind using that method and wants to support it, did he just get it a bit wrong, not every parent is perfection the first time they try something.

communication is the key here, if this is how it is at baby stage, you are going to hit real problems when you come to dealing TOGETHER with the terrible twos, schooling, teens etc etc

p.s if there is a court order specifying overnights, then theoretically no you cant just stop access at nights as you would be in breach of the order, so you go to court to amend the order (if the court agreed)

busiscoming2

I think you should stop overnight access until baby is settled into the new routine. After all it will benefit him in the long run too.

SingleMumOf2_3

there is no court order. I have given him 1 night a week with baby one week.. then 2 the next. as I thought this was fair. he agrees with cc.. just cant be bothered doing it. would rather just do whats easiest to stop baby crying so gives him milk (he ends up having over 50oz in 24hrs at dads aswell as solids).
I have spoken to him but he just argues and disagrees with it all. he wont take my eldest to any parties because they are my friends that are having them.
It has taken me 2 weeks to get baby just to fall asleep for a nap without being in his swing.. and without screaming the house down. and yes it does mean letting him cry for a few minutes with his dummy some days. but dad will straight away just rock him to sleep.
its the fact he doesnt even attempt any of it.. when he knows it will benefit baby. we actually thought there was a problem with baby.. hes even been referred to a dietician. turns out he just cant fall asleep on his own and ends up so tired he screams and crys all day. but cc fixed it. but he still wont attempt it.