Am I right to stop overnight access?

Flyboy152

kaya wrote: »

so annoying, women are always first in the money que when a relationship splits up shouting" it takes two, its your child as well, your equally responsible" seems us men are only equal when it suits you , you have no right to restrict access, and why do you assume that "your way" is the right way where bringing up kids is concerned?

What is inaccurate about that?

KxMx

Why can't some on here accept that 100% of fathers are not perfect and 100% of mothers are not evil. You have good and bad in both sexes when it comes to parenting.

Perhaps these days if we were all a bit more mature when it came to commitments and having children then these problems wouldn't happen so often.

Flyboy152 wrote: »

No, to say, "he feeds and clothes them" generally means that he provides food and clothing for them.

So that's the baby milk he tells OP he hasn't got so she has to send some over with the kids?

OP you really have to think about proper financial arrangements now he is earning a decent amount. What happens once they start school, growing out of clothes/shoes every five minutes, wanting to take these lessons or join that club etc? If he's earning 24k a year and is able to pay he should. What happens if he has more children and yours are left with nowt?

If you continue on benefits it will be a struggle. It's his job to provide for them just as it is yours.

Flyboy152

KxMx wrote: »

Why can't some on here accept that 100% of fathers are not perfect and 100% of mothers are not evil. You have good and bad in both sexes when it comes to parenting.

Perhaps these days if we were all a bit more mature when it came to commitments and having children then these problems wouldn't happen so often.



So that's the baby milk he tells OP he hasn't got so she has to send some over with the kids?

OP you really have to think about proper financial arrangements now he is earning a decent amount. What happens once they start school, growing out of clothes/shoes every five minutes, wanting to take these lessons or join that club etc? If he's earning 24k a year and is able to pay he should. What happens if he has more children and yours are left with nowt?

If you continue on benefits it will be a struggle. It's his job to provide for them just as it is yours.

Don't ask me, I was quoting the OP's words. She is the one with all the inconsistencies. She was the one who wrote "he feeds and clothes them," and then that he doesn't provide for them. It sounds a little "confusing," don't you think?

SingleMumOf2_3

I meant he feeds our eldest when he is there. So 3 days a fortnight he is providing 3 meals... for baby I send baby milk and jars of baby food.
He has only had overnight access for the last 4 weeks.. as baby was breastfed before this.
sometimes he buys nappies and wipes for his.. half the time will say "I need nappies and wipes to take, I havent got a pot to pee in". yet can afford to run a big car and drives miles daily for his job.
anyway.. my dro is sorted at least. goes through in 1 week. so I feel better about that at least.

SingleMumOf2_3

Just so you get an idea on how he provides money wise for his children.. when we split we split because he cheated. I kicked him out, but a month later it was me who moved. I left him with everything in the house.. EVERYTHING! the only item I took was the cot.. because I needed it.. and he could use the one at his mums.
I used my bursary and maintenance loan from uni that I wasnt supposed to spend from uni because I had left.. and bought all the furniture and appliances.. lent money from family for the deposit to move in.
2 weeks ago he forced me to go out and buy a new cot (was using the old one from my toddler for baby), as he wants it for his house. Even though he has more money and can easily go and buy a cheap one.
He does have clothes for the children but most is what has been given to him or bought off ebay.
he also smokes, has nights out, and has a mother who gives him money whenever he needs it. yet I am left to struggle.. and if I so much as mention I am struggling he pleads poverty so its me who feels guilty.. but then tells me he has bought lots of toys for our eldest.
he doesnt need more toys, he needs nappies and wipes and milk for baby.

barbiedoll

puddy wrote: »

a
nursery nurse?? even worse, ask HER to put that in writing and see the colour drain from her face

I work with new mothers and babies and if I thought that a baby needed to stop overnight stays with the absent parent in order to establish a night-time feeding routine, I would have no hesitation in recommending such a course of action, AND I would be prepared to put it in writing!

Feeding a 6 month old every hour or so is not a good idea, the baby will end up with a stomach full of milk which he doesn't really need and it may cause constipation, wind problems, loss of appetite for solids during the day and unnecessary weight gain or even weight loss. Plus, if his sleep is constantly disturbed, he will be miserable all day and it may even harm his development. At this age, sleep is vital, waking every hour is not good for him, OP is doing exactly the right thing in trying to get into a better sleep routine.

It's great that Dad wants to do his share and have the kids overnight but if he cannot work with OP in establishing the baby's routine then he will have to forego the overnight stays for the time being. OP has no intention of stopping access and the fact that he wants to take some of her money speaks volumes about him, especially as OP clearly has debt problems. Child benefit (and other benefits) are paid to the mother, specifically to stop anyone else getting their hands on it, the money is for the children's food and essentials. If he is working (or even if he isn't) he doesn't need her money, she still has to buy nappies, milk, food for her and her other child and pay for the bills at their home. She cannot turn off the electric, gas and water just because the kids aren't there for a few days each month! :mad:

OP, if your ex won't listen to reason, maybe write it all down for him, giving him the reasons why the overnight stays are stopping for a while. Don't make any accusations about his behaviour (although teaching your toddler racist/swear words is definitely not on!) just lay out the facts in black and white and keep a copy yourself. And if your toddler is invited to birthday parties, it's perfectly reasonable that he should be able to go. Dad can always pick him up from your place afterwards, it's just hard luck for his mum, if she really cared about him, she wouldn't dream of stopping him from going to a party!

SingleMumOf2_3

barbiedoll ty.. that is exactly what I have been trying to explain. I am glad someone see's it from my point of view. Btw with you working with women.. if you have any useful advice with controlled crying feel free to pm me.. because since the routine got messed up at dance it doesnt seem to be working as well any longer.. and I am unsure how to fix it..

FBaby

barbiedoll wrote: »

I work with new mothers and babies and if I thought that a baby needed to stop overnight stays with the absent parent in order to establish a night-time feeding routine, I would have no hesitation in recommending such a course of action, AND I would be prepared to put it in writing!

Feeding a 6 month old every hour or so is not a good idea, the baby will end up with a stomach full of milk which he doesn't really need and it may cause constipation, wind problems, loss of appetite for solids during the day and unnecessary weight gain or even weight loss. Plus, if his sleep is constantly disturbed, he will be miserable all day and it may even harm his development. At this age, sleep is vital, waking every hour is not good for him, OP is doing exactly the right thing in trying to get into a better sleep routine.

I am quite shocked that a professional person could be prepared to do that. Not every one agree with control crying. I am one of them and I would have to have been threatened to go to jail before I would have considered it. My daughter suffered from colic until she was 14 months old waking up 2 or 3 times a night. i worked full-time travelling over an hour mornings and evenings. I was constantly utterly exhausted and many times I was tempted to leave her to cry, but my heart just couldn't do it. It went against all my instincts were telling me. My daughter was calling me, telling she needed me and I was there for her. She is now a very happy confident 11 year old!

I'm not judging OP, it is her choice to go with cc and what is right for her, but to 'punish' the dad with no contact because he doesn't agree with it is to my opinion very unfair. That the OP feels frustrated about it is understandable, but for a professional to support what is in essence blackmail (do cc or don't have your baby overnight), it's in my view disgraceful.

SingleMumOf2_3

You know what I give up trying to be a good mum. I cant stand the crying and the screaming, the feeling mean. But I also need sleep. Guess that aint gonna happen. So I will stop being mean like people think I am.. I will stop controlled crying..let him have his own way and be up every ten mins having milk.. will let dad have him overnight as usual. Cos he can get his sleep in the week cant it.. but I will just plod on sleep deprived and stressed.
Off to tend to my screaming baby now.. cos controlled crying obviously is doing plop all now thats been ruined
Will try not to reply to this thread now.. I am in a bad mood and it wont do me or anyone any good..

RAS

SM2

I am seriously concerned about you.

I know how shattering a crying baby can be.

I may not agree with everything you have done, but this is about more than just controlled crying.

You are still letting your ex walk all over you.

A lot of courts would regard overnight visits by a child this young as appropriate only if the NRP had shown that they were capable. Plainly at present your ex is not capable of looking after the baby effectively overnight.

You need to put your concerns in writing to your ex and to put your request in writing. In that way, you have evidence that you have tried if it goes to court.

Ditto, record your toddler swearing and making rascist remarks. Write to your ex expressing concern and reminding him that when the lad goes to nursery, in the not too distant future, the child could be excluded. With all the consequences that has for a pre-schooler.

The area that most concerns me is your consistant refusal to go for CSA. This is not a matter for the courts. Your children are entitled to about £240 per month from your ex to enhance their lives and ensure that they are well provided for. Why should you deny them that?

Please please continue with the controlled crying. It does work.

And please contact the CSA.