Am I right to stop overnight access?

ellas9602

SingleMumOf2, I read your earlier thread too and you sound to me like a very very caring, loving mother. Please do ignore the nasty comments, most people can see that you're having a tough time at the moment and are doing your absolute best whilst being determied to do whats best for your boys. Good Luck x

skylight

Instead of controlled crying, have you started weaning?? Could he really be hungry and perhaps some baby rice at this stage would help him sleep through?

I'm not really a fan of controlled crying but did use it with DD3 when she was a toddler as I had allowed the situation to go on for too long.

As for overnight contact, I agree that if the Dad is unable to support you and baby through it, then contact needs to be temporarily "withdrawn". However, it is difficult to do that when you both have equal "rights and responsibilites" to the children. Do you have a solicitor? Most do free half hours. Have you kept the messages where he is threatening to remove the child? Mine has threatened to do that to teach me a lesson. Although I think it was just bravado and stupidity from him, my solicitor has told me that there is court action we can take if he ever does it or threatens to do it again. (although for almost a year he has refused to see the kids, pay maintainence and is mentally unstable so that may also have a lot to do with it!)

Court and solicitor action is not ideal, but when one parent is not playing fairly there is normally little you can do.

NickyBat

HellsGranny wrote: »

Let's try to inject some balance here, we aren't talking about who provides what, or slagging off mothers or fathers, we are talking about the needs of a baby and an exhausted mother.

The baby needs to feel safe, warm, fed and comfortable, to achieve this he needs to establish a routine before he changes environment. Therefore, overnight stays with Dad should, temporarily be curtailed.
A six month old should not be subjected to this disruption.

As to the methods used, fashions in babycaring change regulary, and as long as the result is a happy baby, I really don't think it matters.

The Mum will get her sleep when the baby get into a routine, and she seems to be doing fine, but the routine gets disrupted when the Dad has him overnight.

The important one is the Baby, then Mum, who has his care the vast majority of the time, and lastly Dad, who is making a new life for himself.

haven't read all the replies because i an't be bothered geting into a slanging match with some people, but i have to say the the father is not the resident parent is irrelevant its the fact he is not prepared to work with the mother in getting the baby into a proper routine, maybe if he was having to get up EVERY night with a screaming baby he would be prepared to do something rather than take the easy option (for him) and shove a bottle in its mouth.

I have been a sleep deprived mother and i can tell you its no joke.
Good luck OP, do what you have to do for the best for your baby.

jamespir

NickyBat wrote: »

haven't read all the replies because i an't be bothered geting into a slanging match with some people, but i have to say the the father is not the resident parent is irrelevant its the fact he is not prepared to work with the mother in getting the baby into a proper routine, maybe if he was having to get up EVERY night with a screaming baby he would be prepared to do something rather than take the easy option (for him) and shove a bottle in its mouth.

I have been a sleep deprived mother and i can tell you its no joke.
Good luck OP, do what you have to do for the best for your baby.

ive been a sleep deprived father you just learn to get on with it

and feeding the baby aint an easy option leaving the baby to cry is

SingleMumOf2_3

He is on 2 meals a day, so it isnt that he is hungry when he was waking every 5-15 minutes he was using the milk to get back to sleep.. so was still taking the same amount but a few mouthfuls at a time (though some days he would end up taking around 50oz in a 24hr period).
James.. he doesnt have to leave him to cry.. as I have spoken to him about compromise.. and suggested he cuddle him or rock him to settle him back to sleep. Dad normally does an all nighter when baby stays.. but the day after he can have a full nights sleep and a lie in if he wants to. I do not have that option.

I have a happy little boy today. Just shows you he NEEDS a decent nights sleep!

shellsuit

Sorry if I've missed it anywhere on the thread, but have you tried a dummy instead of giving him milk when he wakes through the night?

Quenastoise

So pleased to hear that both you and your boy had a better night and are feeling better.

It's also good that somebody else recommended E Pantley, she's also full of good advice.

What you've cottoned on to is that whether it's CC/Pantley/The Baby whisperer/Gina Ford, you name it, the babies haven't read the books - ie the books won't work all of the time and they won't work for all the children. The books only give you pointers, whether you take all the advice on board or not is up to you. Just follow what feels right for your family. It may not be CC.

Personally, I used to read the books but take what I felt fitted to our family at that particular time - I would have done just the same you did and cuddled my baby to sleep instead of letting him CC. Over time, you can let him become less reliant on you until he's well settled into a routine and falling asleep independently. It won't happen overnight but it's worth persevering.

Regarding milk during the night: Yes, at 6 months, he should have started solids. If you have ruled out that he wakes up hungry in the middle of the night, then the milk as comfort has become an habit that will need to get rid of. You might like to dilute progressively the milk with water to make it unappealing until he drops the milk altogether.

NickyBat

jamespir wrote: »

ive been a sleep deprived father you just learn to get on with it

and feeding the baby aint an easy option leaving the baby to cry is

yeah you do learn to get on with it, and feeding a baby when it doesn't need it IS an easy option cos it shuts it up!!
The mother is the parent who in this particular case spends the most nights with this child and is trying to sort the problem, so in the long run it makes for a happy baby and parent, the father however spends the least amount of night with the child and therefore should work with the mother to help with the problem when he has the child.

Even if it were the other way round you would still hope the parent with least care would work with the other - its not about the who is the better!

tango

jamespir wrote: »

ive been a sleep deprived father you just learn to get on with it

and feeding the baby aint an easy option leaving the baby to cry is

Sticking to a routine is the hard option,the easy option is giving a baby it's bottle when it doesn't really need it.

Lack of sleep affects everything,I really feel for the mother,dealing with that and all the other issues is tough.

When I look back to when the children were babies the lack of sleep makes me shudder.

tango

jamespir wrote: »

i have and it makes thrilling reading you all ganging up on dad some suggest talking him to the cleaners he may not be perfect but at least hes having contact and taking care of his kids

sounds like mothers an emotional wreck cause shes not had much sleep and baby crying all night (its what most women go through )

shes seeing a hv whos clearly talking out of her backside

You really are a p rat