Am I right to stop overnight access?

SingleMumOf2_3

Sorry.. it gets to me hearing him cry, especially when I have already been through this before! He is finally asleep after I gave him cuddles
He says he is going to earning 2k.. but whether he is or not I cannot say. He says lots of things that turn out to be untrue.
The reason I dont go to csa.. the reason I dont go to court.. is because then he turns nasty. Which means more pressure and stress on me, which means pressure and stress that my kids pick up on. And tbh, the divorce is only just on its last bit before being finalised.. I have found it extremely stressful going back and forth to the solictors because he refused to sign things and made it difficult. If I found that hard how am I going to cope back and forth over the kids and appearing in court!!!
I was managing a bit better when I had a woman from home start coming round.. was someone to talk to and was help doing activities with my eldest.. or we went to the park for some fresh air. but she left and there are no volunteers available at the moment.
I guess thats why I post on here so much.. yes one part to moan, but the other is because I need an outlet. Need to get things down so they dont build and build inside. I hate it when I get so tired and stressed that my kids suffer from it. I end up telling off for things where as I would just explain calmly why we dont do that.. or my boys dont get as much quality time with me because even though I am interacting and playing with them my mind is too busy worrying about things. I am a good mum, really I am.. I just wish he would see that. And stop asking me to take him back, but to instead concentrate on his kids. and do right by them.

RAS

Hi

Please go and get a nap, now. Lots of hugs to you :grouphug:

Gingham_Ribbon

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Lots of hugs to you :grouphug:

And from me too.

SingleMumOf2_3

I cant.. he will be awake by half 9. Last 2 nights I have given in and given him a bottle.. so tonight is gonna be horrible. Its hard to stand strong as he screams so loud!! Hv assures me he shouldnt be having milk in the night. So if I only allow him one at midnight, then any from after 5am.. surely thats do able again..

jackieglasgow

So, if he wakes at half nin you would have maybe managed a half hour power nap, that could do you the world of good. If he's sleeping, you sleep. Hugs from me too, you are a good mum, and you aren't trying to stop him seeing the kids, you are trying to make nighttimes nicer for all of you. Now go and close your eyes for half an hour.

peachyprice

What happens at 9.30, what is waking him? Is that when you finally sit down, cook your dinner, turn everything off to go to bed?

I ask because my DD was a terrible sleeper, she didn't sleep through properly until she was over 2. But there were things we did to help her get back to sleep/not wake up. She hated it when the house was still and quiet. We had a tape recorder in her bedroom under the head end of her cot with womb music, that was on constantly during the evening, we had a mad dash to turn the tape over (wasn't available on CD 10 years ago!) before it clicked off. When we went to bed we put the radio on R4 downstairs so the house was never quiet. I'm not saying it completley cured her, I don't think anything would have and I wasn't prepared to try CC, but it definitely helped, she slept for longer periods and slept through 4 nights out of 7. Just something else that might be worth a go if you don't have the energy for CC.

SingleMumOf2_3

I think its habit from being at dads.. as he woke at that time and dad fed him.. so the last 2 nights because he has screamed and screamed I have just given in.. I havent been in a good place emotionally to cope with cc. So now its just habit for him. going to try water tonight until 12pm and see if I can make him go back off to sleep. have ordered a night show thingy in hopes to distract him back to sleep.

I would go to bed for an hour.. but even though I am absolutely shattered.. when I get the chance I just lie awake.. my brain refuses to switch off at the moment

Quenastoise

I'm sure you're a good mum, you're just exhausted and stressed and trying to hold it all together, with all sorts of things pulling you in different directions.

First thing, in my book, would be to try to get the baby settled in some sort of routine, then when you can get some rest and function better you can think more clearly.

It sometimes seem that to get LOs to sleep through the night, it's either CC or nothing, especially when HVs and family recommend it. It doesn't have to be that way. Try to get the "Baby whisperer" book by Tracey Hogg, which recommends other methods for getting babies to sleep through the night and advocates a gentler way of looking after babies. I found it when my DS was born and I found it hugely helpful. There is also a community of baby whisperer mums (I don't think we're allowed to give links here) who can support you and give you advice whenever you need it. You are not alone in this

Flyboy152

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I can say positive about him. he is a great father in the respects apart from what i have spoke about. he feeds and clothes them. interacts with the. takes them places. and wants to be part of their life. i think the main problem is he just does not see the damage some things can cause.
I have just phone family mediation. but both parties have to pay for it. which i know he would refuse.
and court seems so extreme.
and i apologise it wasnt the hv who advised.. it was a nursery nurse sent by the hv. my apologies.

Still more inconsistencies. This story is not holding up very well.

Flyboy152

barbiedoll wrote: »

I work with new mothers and babies and if I thought that a baby needed to stop overnight stays with the absent parent in order to establish a night-time feeding routine, I would have no hesitation in recommending such a course of action, AND I would be prepared to put it in writing!

Feeding a 6 month old every hour or so is not a good idea, the baby will end up with a stomach full of milk which he doesn't really need and it may cause constipation, wind problems, loss of appetite for solids during the day and unnecessary weight gain or even weight loss. Plus, if his sleep is constantly disturbed, he will be miserable all day and it may even harm his development. At this age, sleep is vital, waking every hour is not good for him, OP is doing exactly the right thing in trying to get into a better sleep routine.

It's great that Dad wants to do his share and have the kids overnight but if he cannot work with OP in establishing the baby's routine then he will have to forego the overnight stays for the time being. OP has no intention of stopping access and the fact that he wants to take some of her money speaks volumes about him, especially as OP clearly has debt problems. Child benefit (and other benefits) are paid to the mother, specifically to stop anyone else getting their hands on it, the money is for the children's food and essentials. If he is working (or even if he isn't) he doesn't need her money, she still has to buy nappies, milk, food for her and her other child and pay for the bills at their home. She cannot turn off the electric, gas and water just because the kids aren't there for a few days each month! :mad:

OP, if your ex won't listen to reason, maybe write it all down for him, giving him the reasons why the overnight stays are stopping for a while. Don't make any accusations about his behaviour (although teaching your toddler racist/swear words is definitely not on!) just lay out the facts in black and white and keep a copy yourself. And if your toddler is invited to birthday parties, it's perfectly reasonable that he should be able to go. Dad can always pick him up from your place afterwards, it's just hard luck for his mum, if she really cared about him, she wouldn't dream of stopping him from going to a party!

Contact for a child and a parent is absolutely none of your business. You have no right to interfere with that process. If you ever did put something like that in writing, you would expect to be at the Job Centre the following day and never be employed in that capacity ever again.