Am I right to stop overnight access?

puddy

patchwork_cat wrote: »

You will end up not only with very confused children if both parents do not sing from the same hymn sheet, but probably manipulative indivuals. That doesn't make for a happy and secure adult which is the name of the game isn't it? I would personally want an agreement as to how to raise the children.

quite right, but i dont think that is point here, its about whose choice and decisions those routines are

on the one hand we criticise men for being the 'playmate' or silly friend of their children instead of responsible, competent parents. but on the other, we take away any opportunties to learn responsiblity and carry it out because they 'dont get it right'

puddy

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I can say positive about him. he is a great father in the respects apart from what i have spoke about. he feeds and clothes them. interacts with the. takes them places. and wants to be part of their life. i think the main problem is he just does not see the damage some things can cause.
I have just phone family mediation. but both parties have to pay for it. which i know he would refuse.
and court seems so extreme.
and i apologise it wasnt the hv who advised.. it was a nursery nurse sent by the hv. my apologies.

are you in a positiion to pay his portion of mediation?

would he agree to go to relate (you have to pay for this too)

nursery nurse?? even worse, ask HER to put that in writing and see the colour drain from her face

court sounds extreme but the family courts are there to protect the interests and welfare of children. if its as bad as you say in that he will refuse any other way of liaising and you feel that you want this method and no other, plus the clear issues bout behaviour management, then i would suggest you have no choice if YOU want your children's needs met

SingleMumOf2_3

puddy no as I am going bankrupt.. well a less harsher kind of bankruptcy called a DRO. If I am honest no I do not think he would attend even if he didnt have to pay. But surely its worth a go to try and agree on how the kids are brought up.
I promised him I would never ask for child maintenance, even though his new job will give him 2k a month. Promised I would never stop him seeing him children. All I have asked is he try and be a good dad. He says he wants the kids 50/50 and half my benefits. which i would actually be fine with if he did right by the children. eg, not teaching swearing and bad behaviour. feeding them healthy. And the reason he doesnt have 50/50 is also because our eldest attends nursery 2 mornings a week.. so I would have him less than his dad is I changed it to 3 1/2 days a week.
I want our kids to grow up seeing both parents and both families. But I worry about unstability that goes on at dads.. and the not even trying to help with some matters.

SingleMumOf2_3

I know if I apply to court all my past will get brought up. and this is what prevents me from going down that route. because I know he will get nasty.. and do all he can to them go for full custody. which is definetly not putting his children first.

Mojisola

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

puddy no as I am going bankrupt.. well a less harsher kind of bankruptcy called a DRO. If I am honest no I do not think he would attend even if he didnt have to pay. But surely its worth a go to try and agree on how the kids are brought up.
I promised him I would never ask for child maintenance, even though his new job will give him 2k a month. Promised I would never stop him seeing him children. All I have asked is he try and be a good dad. He says he wants the kids 50/50 and half my benefits. which i would actually be fine with if he did right by the children. eg, not teaching swearing and bad behaviour. feeding them healthy. And the reason he doesnt have 50/50 is also because our eldest attends nursery 2 mornings a week.. so I would have him less than his dad is I changed it to 3 1/2 days a week.
I want our kids to grow up seeing both parents and both families. But I worry about unstability that goes on at dads.. and the not even trying to help with some matters.

Why did you promise that?

SingleMumOf2_3

I promised that because I am sick of him thinking I am doing the things I do for the money. I am more concerned about him being a good dad.

I have spoke to relate.. they can discuss but not set anything in stone. Have spoken to my local family mediation, who sound really good. But then asked dad if he would be willing to go. He has said no.
Not sure what else I can do? Apart from tell him if he cant compromise and at least attempt routine etc for baby.. then he cant have him overnight until I have got him in a good routine myself.
And if he isnt willing to take the eldest to birthday parties.. then he cant have him that day and I will take him.
It is unfair he misses out because of dad.
I will mention family mediation again.. but not holdin much hope.

patchwork_cat

puddy wrote: »

quite right, but i dont think that is point here, its about whose choice and decisions those routines are

on the one hand we criticise men for being the 'playmate' or silly friend of their children instead of responsible, competent parents. but on the other, we take away any opportunties to learn responsiblity and carry it out because they 'dont get it right'

I did say I would personally want an agreement. However if one can't be arrived at then one parent has to be 'the boss' and that is the primary carer, as that is where the baby spends most of his time.

The baby is first and foremost the most important person in all this and routine is very important at this age. The baby will be more content and more able to develop skills necessary to grow up happy, healthy and well adapted.

Don't get me wrong I am not someone that believes a mother is the only person capable of being the primary or resident carer.

jackieglasgow

I think some of you are being a bit harsh on the OP. She is sleep deprived with a young baby and a toddler in the house. When all's said and done, ovenight access with a young baby isn't that important if they are only sleeping anyway. There is no harm in the OP keeping the baby in its own bed at night for a while longer until his sleeping through the night is sorted. Don't forget the ex only has that one sleepless night a week, and struggles with it, and hasn't the patience to try the crying because it disturbs his sleeping, but he isn't showing much help or care about the six nights a week that the OP has little sleep because the baby won't settle.

OP I think you were daft not to ask for maintainence from the very start, or go to court to sort out access properly, I remember your whole story very well, and it sounds like he still has no respect for you, and is still trying to dictate your life. Stop the overnight visits with the baby for now until his sleeping pattern is well established, and explain to the ex that actually he will thank your for it in the long run, and he will not have disturbed nights with the baby now, whilst you are doing the controlled crying, and afterwards when its sorted out. Its the best thing for all four of you in the long run, short time pain for long term gain. Good luck.

puddy

any assessment of your or his parenting are done on the basis of the childs needs NOW and your parenting abilities NOW. lots of parents have dodgy pasts, maybe you had your own problems, drugs, crime whatever (im not presuming just giving examples), but assessments are not based on this. yes you will need to talk to any (there may not be an assessment made) assessor about it but it forms part of your needs and history, it may no longer be relevant (although history is always noted and assessed)

why dont you phone your local CAFCASS office for some informal advice and talk about your fears about this, they cant give you any personal formal advice but they can talk to you about how assessments are carried out

as i say, usually where both parents agree on access but cant agree the finer details, there may not be the need for an assessment. as you say he may come to court defensive and say, 'oh, did you know she used to prostitute,, did you know she took drugs, did you know blah blah blah' and in that case an assessment may be ordered but those details will be assessed and disregarded (if they are totally in the past)

Sublime_2

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I promised him I would never ask for child maintenance, even though his new job will give him 2k a month. Promised I would never stop him seeing him children. All I have asked is he try and be a good dad. He says he wants the kids 50/50 and half my benefits. which i would actually be fine with if he did right by the children. eg, not teaching swearing and bad behaviour. feeding them healthy. And the reason he doesnt have 50/50 is also because our eldest attends nursery 2 mornings a week.. so I would have him less than his dad is I changed it to 3 1/2 days a week.
I want our kids to grow up seeing both parents and both families. But I worry about unstability that goes on at dads.. and the not even trying to help with some matters.

Do whats best for your children. Do not give him 1/2 of the benefit you recieve as that is for your childrens maintainence. If he's getting 2K a month, perhaps he should be giving you some child maintenance too?

I have an informal arrangement with my ex, which works fine, as he recognizes the need/wants the best for his children. So count myself lucky.