Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

cat04

Since we split up and I can see him from afar, my mum and I have both wondered if maybe he might be somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum as some of the behaviour he displays fits in. We may be totally wrong, but it may be this or other mental health issues as you say. It's very hard to second guess him, you just never know what he's going to say/do next. I mentioned before about him signing my name (i.e. forgery) on some legal documents. Now to most of us we can see the wrong in that, but to him it was just a way to get something done quickly and his in own way. He doesn't see the consequences and how it might make people feel towards him. Sometimes I think he thinks he's above the law, and acts accordingly. He has never been sympathetic, or empathetic as long as I've known him, and he doesn't seem to care about or understand what people's reactions and feelings may be about something he may say or do.

A good case of this is when I miscarried with twins between the 2 DDs. I honestly don't think he could understand how distraught I was, and got a bit annoyed that I didn't 'get over it' within a week. The day before I went into labour a friend popped round to see how I was and during the converstion said something like 'bet you're glad it's not twins'. His face fell when he realised what he'd said, and appologised. On the whole I was ok with it, and knew how it was meant and said not to worry about it, but ex made me feel sad again by saying something along the lines of: 'oh, it's ok, it happened for a reason, it for for the best blah blah blah'. His tone implied that he wasn't trying to make our friend feel better (he didn't like him anyway, purely because he was a 'he', even though he was the hubby of my best friend!), but that he honestly thought that. Our friend didn't know where to put himself as he could clearly see that it had upset me even though I wasn't crying. But that's him, he really doesn't get/care about how others will feel.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on one again, bet you're getting sick of hearing stories about my ex, but it feels like a release to talk about them, as OH has heard all of them at least 10 times bless him. He hates ex with a vengance because of the way he's treated me and made me feel.

I loved my dad very much too, in fact I was a proper daddy's girl whilst my younger brother was def a mummy's boy, and still is. I talk to my dad on the phone loads and can't ever imagine saying that I didn't want to beacuse I was 'busy' watching tv etc.

I said to my mum on the phone, and OH last night that I feel sad for ex too, because of the relationship he's losing with his daughters. They could have had 2 dads, but instead the fool misses out to someone who isn't their biological father. His loss really, mine and DDs gain.

cat04

Forgot to mention regarding his reply, that once he focuses on a particular point (in this case seeing the girls) that's all he will talk about. If anything else gets mentioned, he will go back to his original point and repeat things over and over. So I might not get any answers about anything else until we resolve the issue of him having the girls, or I refuse to let him have them and force him to give me answers first.

pupsicola

cat04 wrote: »

I've found the papers and it states that he will pay the rate of £150 per child per month on 3rd of each month until the youngest reaches 18 or ceases full-time secondary education. So yes, it looks like he's breaking the Court Order for whatever reason.

I would write to him reminding him of this. Put a copy of the papers in with your letter. Alternatively get your solicitor to do it. Wouldn't cost alot. Would love to see the response he would give the solicitor. Legally he cannot mess his kids about financially.

cat04

pupsicola wrote: »

I would write to him reminding him of this. Put a copy of the papers in with your letter. Alternatively get your solicitor to do it. Wouldn't cost alot. Would love to see the response he would give the solicitor. Legally he cannot mess his kids about financially.

I think he needs a gentle reminder. Maybe there was too uch for him to comprehend in my last email so I might send one saying just that :rotfl:He might just get the message about it. Well, one can but hope!

Savvy_Sue

cat04 wrote: »

Ok, so I've just rung his school and asked the friendly lady if ex still worked there, I can't think of the exact words to describe her tone, but I wouldn't say he sounded best pleased about hearing his name mentioned, and no, he doesn't. So that's official as I can't see the secretaries agreeing to say that he doesn't work there to anyone who rings up to speak to him. After speaking to my mum last night we think he must have been sacked. I wonder what he's done....

have you searched for his name on the local paper website where he lives / works?

cat04 wrote: »

He's not going to get his way on that one! I might just try and arrange something with his parents.

might be good - could you write to them if you don't want to phone them?

btw he does sound a bit autistic, but it's still no excuse! and as for him not letting go of whatever topic he's fixated on - surely 2 can play at that game? although I do dislike it when maintenance and contact are linked, BUT you could try the approach of setting multiple dates which are suitable for the girls to see their grandparents!

cat04

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

have you searched for his name on the local paper website where he lives / works?

I searched the other week and found nothing - I even searched the obituaries just in case.

Searched now, and there is nothing in his local paper, or the county paper. Searched using his school's name and only found reports on the fab Ofsted report, the head mouthing off about grammar schools and everyone complaining about him, and a wonderful teacher there.

I'm sure that he was sacked. My mind keeps going into overdrive, thinking things like he was sacked because he embezzeled money from the school to pay off the villa, or he had a nervous breakdown and went ape in front of some kids. Had a quick google and found this (it's from an Irish site, but I would imagine similar applies here)

Reasons for sacking a teacher:

Gross insubordination.
> Incapacity to perform duties due to being under the influence of alcohol, unprescribed drugs or misuse of prescribed medication
> Serious breaches of confidentiality.
> Serious bullying, sexual harassment or harassment against fellow workers or students.
> Downloading/disseminating pornographic material from the internet.
> Circulation of offensive, obscene or indecent e-mails or text messages.
> Bringing the school's name into serious disrepute.

These are matters which justify immediate dismissal without procedure in most jobs. For teachers they are the only reasons they can be sacked

I wouldn't be surprised if it was bullying or muddying the school's name somehow.

Just been 'discussing' him on the phone with my mum

agarr

Hi Cat,
Just catching up on the latest and wanted to ask if it is possible that you could make a freedom of information request to the school about what actually happened with your ex as you have childeren involved and you need to know if his ability to look after childeren, even his own, is impared in anyway. I see that drug use is in your list, that would certainly make him unable to look after childeren and that's without mentioning the really nasty stuff.
If not, do you know anyone on the PTA who you could contact?

Keep strong hun, and if it helps to write an email every other day repeating your points then do it, you've got nothing to lose but everything to gain for your girls x.

ford_prefect_3

cat04 wrote: »

I think he needs a gentle reminder. Maybe there was too uch for him to comprehend in my last email so I might send one saying just that :rotfl:He might just get the message about it. Well, one can but hope!

Before you spend money on a solicitor you need to consider that any consent order effectively expires and can be ignored after 15 months and three weeks.

You can still go to court to enforce the order but if your ex gets legal representation he will simply open a CSA case and if unemployed get an assessment of £5 per week and that will take over from the consent order.

If he has no money is there any value you in you trying to enforce the order? Especially if you dont qualify for legal aid.

cat04

Thank you both for your replies, haven't been on to update/catch up on my MSE fix for a few days due to illness, a Sunday hangover , and illness yet again - this time got the kids off too.

I left the ex to stew for a while and emailed him last night saying that it would be better if he rang me to discuss 'things', but I'm not relishing that at all

All I mentioned was the fact that he can't just pop in and out of the kids lives as and when he fancies it, and I tried to get him to see things from DD1's (emotional) point of view. I also said that although he would probably think otherwise, the reasons behind him loosing his job are very much my business as it was his wage that paid the CM and I want to know what his future job prospects are - teaching or non-teaching wise. I know the school could decline to write him a reference if asked for one if he applies for jobs, but if he got sacked for, say, stealing money from the school, then who is going to want to employ him anywhere??

Tied into this I suggested that he maybe set up a SO again for an amount he can afford, even if at the moment it's just a nominal amount (I did mention the CSA could make him pay £5 a week if he was on JSA), it would show he cares and is commited to supporting his kids. I wasn't nasty, but I let him know that I wsn't going to be his doormat anymore and that if he messes me and the girls around he's in big doodoos :T

I know I mentioned it before, but I feel a lot calmer about him and the whole situation. I know that I'm not going to let him intimidate me anymore. It's like that now I know that he's been 'weakened' and he isn't infallable after all, I can now be stronger than him and face him without being made to feel inferior

I shall report back with his reply, if I get one!

cat04

Ford Perfect - I didn't really comment on your advice. You make a very good point, I didn't know that a CO only lasts just over 15 months etc. I'm hoping we won't even have to go down the CSA route as I have had a reply from him today:

This is just a brief response.


I do want to see the girls again reguarly, I will go with whatever you want. I would though like to take them this weekend to my Mums.


I also now have a job again. I have not started yet but will set up the standing order for February in the hope that I will be starting once everything is set up. Please let me have the bank details so I can set it up.

So, it looks like he has some kind of job, although whether or not it is a teaching position I have no idea about. I replied with my account details, and made a few points about what DD1 would like to happen in order for her to want to go more often to see him (I haven't phrased that very well, but I know what I mean lol). She said she just wanted him to play with her and her sister more instead of just sending them outside to play alone Also, she wants him to "come at the proper time and not come late".

I told him that I want to see this year as a fresh start for him, as I don't want my girls to lose the bond they did have with their dad - BUT only on the condition that he doesn't screw it up. I think maybe recent events have made him realise what he was throwing away.

His next reply was:

I will let you knows the times, but 11 seems fine.

I don't yet know what I will be earning, but I will be finding out soon and will let you know as soon as I do.

So, I'm going to give him till Feb to sort it out money wise and take it from there. He knows that I'm not going to take any cr*p from him anymore