Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

cat04

God, that sounds awful, I sound like a right !!!!!. I'm not, my ex just turns me into one lol. I just find it really hard to speak with him, I still feel intimidated by him and it's VERY hard to discuss anything with him in an adult manner as he just gets defensive straight away and tries to tell me/dictate to me what I should do

pupsicola

Bless you, you are having to cope with so much. I totally understand that however ideal it would be after a split with someone to communicate as before, this is not always possible. Just keep going and doing the best for your kids and be proud of yourself.

cat04

pupsicola wrote: »

Bless you, you are having to cope with so much. I totally understand that however ideal it would be after a split with someone to communicate as before, this is not always possible. Just keep going and doing the best for your kids and be proud of yourself.

Aww, thank you, you've made me well up.

I have no problem with the girls seeing their dad if a) he actually makes arrangements to have them and sticks to them and b) they want to go. I know they're only young and I know that DD1 probably says things about not wanting to go to protect me, but I sob my heart out after they've gone because DD1 especially cries and doesn't want to go, and gets sad/angry when he's late and I know she doesn't enjoy it that much whilst she's there

Thinking back, I don't think we comunicated that well before, it's not his style!

cavework

Then cut him off. until he gets in contact and you can sit down together and discuss your childrens future .. .. let him contact you. If he cares about his kids he will eventually, if he doesn't you loose nothing.
Then follow up on the money side of things
You say the money is not the issue then take a step back and wait..
What has happened in the past is gone .. changing plans , fitting in with him should be because it means your kids get to see their Dad.
Yes it's annoying , yes it's inconvenient BUT it is your business to consider the wellfare of your children and he cannot ignore that fact forever if he wants to be a part of their lives.

jackieglasgow

Cat if you are going to rant about him online, you should remove your children's names from your signature. Hopefully you'll hear from him soon and be able to sort hings out - one way or the other.

cat04

cavework wrote: »

Then cut him off. until he gets in contact and you can sit down together and discuss your childrens future .. .. let him contact you. If he cares about his kids he will eventually, if he doesn't you loose nothing.
Then follow up on the money side of things
You say the money is not the issue then take a step back and wait..
What has happened in the past is gone .. changing plans , fitting in with him should be because it means your kids get to see their Dad.
Yes it's annoying , yes it's inconvenient BUT it is your business to consider the wellfare of your children and he cannot ignore that fact forever if he wants to be a part of their lives.

I know...I just don't know what to do for the best. If he wants to see the girls then I'm happy for them to go (as long as I know they're safe/happy/well cared for etc) because like you said, he's their father (whether he wanted to be or not) and I'd never stop him from seeing them. It's happening the other way round. And this is my dilemma. I want to contact him to make sure he's ok/still alive/not in any trouble etc but if I mention lack of contact/CM then it might kick-start him into seeing them again, which I'm not overly keen on because I (obviously!) love having the girls here with me and would love it if he decided he wanted nothing to do with them.

If I leave it too long it might come back to bite me on the bum when he claims that I 'denied him from seeing his children' (that used to be his favourite saying when we first split up - apart from the 1st couple of weeks when he didn't see them because he was threatening to take them away from me he had them every single weekend and school holiday (he's a teacher)

Do I contact him, do I not? I don't want to find out in a months time that he died in November and nobody told me because I couldn't be bothered to ring up and see what was what :eek: I really do hope he's ok, if only for the kids sakes lol.
Thanks for your advice, my head is full of a thousand thoughts so I know I'm waffling/not thinking things through as well as I should be

cat04

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Cat if you are going to rant about him online, you should remove your children's names from your signature. Hopefully you'll hear from him soon and be able to sort hings out - one way or the other.

I know, thanks for the reminder. I didn't actually intend to do the big rant thing but it felt good to let off steam. I don't know why I put their names in my sig in the first place....

cavework

If he died in November and no one had the !!!!!! to contact you , that is not your fault (sorry to sound hard)
You are no longer responsible for him .. just his kids and you are doing the best you can in their interest.
You have not denied him seeing his children , you have not had the opportunity to discuss your children because he has made himself ' unavaliable to contact'
Sit back and wait.. you have done everything possible in the interest of your children.
This sounds awful but maybe he likes the idea of worrying you and that is why you have heard nothing?
Good luck love and don't feel guilty
x

cat04

cavework wrote: »

If he died in November and no one had the !!!!!! to contact you , that is not your fault (sorry to sound hard)
You are no longer responsible for him .. just his kids and you are doing the best you can in their interest.
You have not denied him seeing his children , you have not had the opportunity to discuss your children because he has made himself ' unavaliable to contact'
Sit back and wait.. you have done everything possible in the interest of your children.
This sounds awful but maybe he likes the idea of worrying you and that is why you have heard nothing?
Good luck love and don't feel guilty
x

Thank you I think that's what I'll do, give him some time to see if he gets in touch to explain recent events. If he doesn't, well, I'll give it another think and see what happens. I get the feeling if he's cancelled the SO because of money problems that he may be too embarrassed to say anything to me because he was always the money savvy one and we lived a frugel lifestyle with 1000s of pounds in the bank. Karma.... :T

pupsicola

I've read over the post again where you were explaining his relationship with you and the girls. How it has been sporadic and getting worse up till the time you last saw him. There were things you raised in it that makes me think he was deciding to walk away.
Sometimes when a parent cant be with their kids 100% they decide they are not prepared to do it at all. I dont agree with it or condone it but I was warned this may happen when my ex and I split.

I dont want to go into the full details of my past on here. But I left an abusive relationship when my kids were very young. Their dad stayed in contact with us for 2 years. But towards the end he behaved in a very similar way towards us as you and your children are experiencing now. He stopped all contact over 2 years ago now. Just walked away completely. Someone who use to be a mutual friend of ours contacted me a while back and said he had cut all his ties in the UK and gone back to his home country.

It puts your life in a funny kind of limbo. The boys are not bothered. My eldest couldn't stand him and my youngest doesn't remember him. But I am left to wonder if he will ever come back into their lives one day.