Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

cat04

pupsicola wrote: »

I've read over the post again where you were explaining his relationship with you and the girls. How it has been sporadic and getting worse up till the time you last saw him. There were things you raised in it that makes me think he was deciding to walk away.
Sometimes when a parent cant be with their kids 100% they decide they are not prepared to do it at all. I dont agree with it or condone it but I was warned this may happen when my ex and I split.

I dont want to go into the full details of my past on here. But I left an abusive relationship when my kids were very young. Their dad stayed in contact with us for 2 years. But towards the end he behaved in a very similar way towards us as you and your children are experiencing now. He stopped all contact over 2 years ago now. Just walked away completely. Someone who use to be a mutual friend of ours contacted me a while back and said he had cut all his ties in the UK and gone back to his home country.

It puts your life in a funny kind of limbo. The boys are not bothered. My eldest couldn't stand him and my youngest doesn't remember him. But I am left to wonder if he will ever come back into their lives one day.

That's very sad really, for your boys - even if they don't remember/seem bothered, it's still sad to think that their dad just upped sticks and left them to it. I saw your posts on mummy29's (??) thread about your past relationship. I know I never had to suffer in the same way, but my mum actually said to me once I'd 'got out' of my relationship with my ex that she thought there was a bit of DA going on due to the way he controlled me in just about everyway and I hadn't even realised how bad it had got because he never did anything like hit or physically threaten me (not that he could have hurt me, he was/is a lanky puny thing lol). I could cite plenty of things to back this up, but to make it worse, to this day I don't even think he knows it himself.

I'm sure he thinks that he was the perfect husband. Not long after leaving and getting together with OH, my ex asked what could OH ever possibly offer me that he couldn't? At the time OH was, and still is, on a 3rd of ex's wage, was in a house share but did own a car.
Our family home was mortgage free, we had 2 cars, I was (and still am) a SAHM, we bought and let out for free a better house than our own to his parents (!!) and we'd not long since bought a villa in Florida. He didn't get that all of those things weren't important to me. What was important was to feel and be loved, and to love in return. To feel safe, and equal and an adult in the relationship, to be allowed an opinion, to be able to shop on my own, and ovewhelming to be happy I'm all of those things now. We have our own (mortgaged) home, a car each and 2 very happy, settled girls. What more could I possibly want??


I would be sad for my girls if their dad didn't want to be in contact with them anymore. The thought did cross my mind that he might have been preparing himself/us for stopping contact. I don't know how he could do it because I know I certainly couldn't. You might be right because I remember last year he stopped ringing so much and I mentioned it and he said that because he couldn't see the girls very often at that time (can't remember what reasons he gave) he stopped ringing so much as it upset him to talk to them not not see them. It doesn't explain the money though, as he must know that I'm more likely to get in touch if that stops then if his phone calls/visits stop - it keeps me in the dark longer if he still pays me IYSWIM.

cat04

Do you know, sometimes I think I might read too deeply into things. What if he's just changed back accounts and the SO hasn't been set up by accident lol. Doesn't really explain the not getting in touch with the kids over Xmas though.

pupsicola

To the outside world the lifestyle I had with my ex would have seemed like a dream. We had the properties, cars, every bloody gadget under the sun, holidays etc etc. As you so wisely acknowledge though they are worthless if you aren't fundamentally happy.

I now live in a house a third of the size, have a run around car instead of some flash piece on the drive, but I am happy. The boys are thriving. It chokes me at times that they dont have their dad and he misses out on so much like nativity plays, sports days, our youngest learning to read, well you know how it is.

The best thing I can do is raise them right and help them grow into wonderful, loving, confident men. If he does contact them again it is up to them what they want to do.

cat04

The annoying thing at the time was that even though we had money in the bank (not always though due to buying the 2 other properties) I wasn't 'allowed' to spend it. We had 1 holiday with some friends, which was to Florida and we ended up buying the villa we stayed in a few years later. We did have the kitchen and bathroom done. Not because I wanted it or to make things better for us, it was to increase the value of our house. My mum used to joke when she gave me money for my birthday that I wasn't allowed to let the ex put it in our back account to spend on petrol, I had to spend it on myself. I was made to feel guilty even doing that - and it wasn't costing him anything! We didn't do bday/xmas/mother's day/father's day gifts As much as I loved the cards DD1 made me, I know that he only did it with her so he didn't have to buy a card.

Anyway, I digress For us, the adults, we're better off without the exes, but for the children, they grow up without the other parent who created them and it's sad for that parent too. In spite of myself I do feel sorry for my ex sometimes...then I remember what he's like.

I live a much better lifestyle and am much happier now even though I have a lot less money. I'm not sure how it works legally, but I don't know if at 6 years old DD1's opinion matters so to speak, is it 12 when children can have a say in contact matters? What would I do if he asks to have them and DD1 downright refuses to go? Can he force her, do I have to make her go? That's what's worrying me about getting in touch with him again, with it being so long since any contact, what if they don't want to go??!!

Wilma33

The 4th of Jan was the first working day of the month due to the bank holidays. It's very unusual for the first working day to be so late. So that might explain the SO being later this month.

Can you check facebook to see if that gives any clues? Or ask a mutual friend?

cat04

I had thought about the BH, but thought it would be in by now, it went in on 6th Jan last year and have assumed it would have been paid by now, but you may be right. I'll def waiting till Monday before doing anything. I hope you're right, even if it means I'll look a right wally lol.

He's not on facebook as far as I know, and I've searched for family members etc but no luck, and we don't have any mutual friends - he kept in touch with one set who we knew through his work, and the others he hasn't kept in touch with at all so they would know about as much as me!

pupsicola

Phone your bank. They should be able to tell you why the payments into your account have stopped. Also if payment has been set up for same amount to come in from another account. Surely his bank would have to notify them.

If you have telephone or internet banking you will be able to check now, payments due into your account on monday, as it next working day. Will save you worrying about it over the weekend

Wilma33

cat04 wrote: »

I had thought about the BH, but thought it would be in by now, it went in on 6th Jan last year and have assumed it would have been paid by now

Last year, the first working day was the 2nd, which is 2 days eariler than this year. So this year it should appear 2 working days later than the 6th i.e. next Monday. Things might be ok!

cat04

I have internet banking, and just had a look but I can't find anywhere to see what payments are due into my account, only out grrr

pupsicola

Im with hsbc. If I click into the account details so the statement comes up, then go into "pending transactions" it shows you what is due in and out of account next working day. Dont know if all banks do this though.