Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

RAS

cat04 wrote: »

I mentioned a villa in Florida before, that it was in -ve equity and that I was being copied in on emails between ex and the bank/some financial person. He was goignt o apply for a 'deed in lieu of foreclosure'. I googled it at the time but probably didn't find the best explanation so just done it now:

A deed in lieu of foreclosure is where you deed your property to the lender in exchange for being forgiven the entire amount of the mortgage. The lender then sells off the property in order to retrieve as much of the unpaid mortgage amount as they can.

In which case you need to e-mail the bank/financial person and ask them what the current situation is, since you have not heard any more since (x date).

cat04

pupsicola wrote: »

I dont know your ex but I recognise alot of his character traits from having clocked up 14 years with another wrong-un myself. Im not giving your ex any credit here, but he is inteligient. In as much as it must be mind-numbingly frustrating trying to get him to see things from anyones point of view but his own.

He knows how to word things so as to try and get people on his side. Twists every situation so it looks like he is caught in an impossible mess and needs everyones help and understanding to get through it. All the while completely overlooking how badly he has behaved.

Did his parents pamper to his every little whim whilst he was growing up as he seems to have no realistic grip on the basics of life. Floating round in his own little bubble way above all the chaos and heartache he causes.

The only repsonse I would give him would be a short, sharp email saying something like this

His financial situation was completely avoidable, he didn't have to walk out of a job because he had a disagreement with someone. That he is still liable to pay CM as agreed by the courts. That you are shocked that after no contact with his daughters, which has caused them immeasurable distress, he wishes to turn up and take them away for the weekend like nothing has happened. To expect a solicitors letter requesting immediate payment of overdue CM which will also advise when all future payments must be paid and new contact arrangements in the interest of the girls set out.

I wish you alot of luck with this.

You are completely right, he is very clever, and sly, and does exactly like you say, tries to get people on side, get what he can from then, and then dumps them. His way is the right and only way to do things, regardless of who it affects.

His mum still lived with his GP's (until he was 2 I think) when he was born and he was spoilt. He has always had lots of colds, usually just as the school holidays started, and his mum puts that down to the fact that as a baby he was wrapped in coats, blankets, hats, gloves etc in the pram in front of the fire by his GM. And he's been mollycoddled and pandered too ever since. He's always been a bit of a mummy's boy, and his GPs doted on him. The only one who sometimes saw through him and got annoyed by him was his dad. Funnily enough my mum said when we split up that she didn't think FIL was his biological dad. MIL, FIL and BIL are def all from the same family, you can just tell from looking at them, but EX is the odd one out totally. Maybe she was right.

I like your suggested email and will right mine along similar lines. If I did just go along with him and say pay what you can when yo start earning again, how on earth am I to know if he gets a job or not? He could say for months on end he has no job when in reality he has.

Really sorry to hear your ex is like mine, I wouldn't wish him on anyone, and I can't believe he has a new partner and that she's stuck with him. Wonder how long it takes her to realise what he's like...or maybe it was just me, maybe I'm the one causing all the problems and I brought it on myself I'm sure he'd love it if I thought that way.

pupsicola

Never think that way. You have not done or said anything to make him treat you the way he has. Very often abusive people are very weak and incapable. Rather than accept their limitations and inadequacies they reflect them onto other people. They are never to blame for anything that goes wrong or take responsibility, it is someone elses fault the whole time.

I was told by me ex that I wasn't equal to him, that I held him back, that there were aspects to my personality that encouraged people to be cruel and nasty. He had spent years running me down and chipping away at my confidence. It was only when he began spurting that crap that I realised was a total headcase he was and pulled the rug from under him.

Savvy_Sue

cat, please listen to what pups is telling you. I have not been in that kind of situation, but I am SURE she is right!!!

pupsicola wrote: »

Its not up to your ex to decide who your daughter sees as being her dad. That is her decision.

There is a big difference from being a biological father and being a dad to a child. A dad is there for you 24/7. He helps create a happy safe home, cooks for you, is there for bathtime and bedtime stories, plays games, teaches you to read, helps with homework, looks after you when you are sick, wipes your tears when you are upset, takes you out and about and celebrates all your achievements. If he can help it he avoids at all costs letting you down.

As a parent you have to earn your kids love and respect, its not a given. No wonder your dd sees your OH as her dad, bless her.

I agree. I don't know what words you want to use, but find them. whatever the best and warmest word for male parent you DD can think of, that word should be given with honour, gold stars and a tinsel crown, to the man who cares for her - and clearly her sperm donor is not such a man! sd is probably not a word you can use at her age, but one day it will be.

maybe something along the lines of "I didn't know OH [very well] when you were born, but if I could have chosen him to be your dad then, I would have done."

cat04 wrote: »

I thought the whole job thing was very odd too. His name is still on his school website as being the AH there. I have half a mind to ring up tomorrow and ask to speak to him and see what they say....

:rotfl:

cat04 wrote: »

or maybe it was just me, maybe I'm the one causing all the problems and I brought it on myself I'm sure he'd love it if I thought that way.

do NOT give him the satisfaction! it is NOT your fault!!

OK, so you don't get on with his parents, but it might be worth letting them know how excited the girls are at the idea of seeing them, and try to get them on your side in that way IYSWIM. TBH I'd be a bit wary of letting him just take them for a w/e - are you sure he will go to his mum's, or might it all fall through again?

and agree with RAS that you simply must find out what is happening re the Florida villa, and also if he is capable of forging your sig, where else might he have done that? check you credit rating, set up that system where all credit applications have to be verified, and report him for fraud if you find anything dodgy.

AND go to CSA - you have nothing to lose IMO.

cat04

Thank you, thank you for your lovely words and advice. My mum has told me over many years that I am sometimes too nice for my own good. Even this morning I was thinking that I didn't want to go to a solicitor/CSA/lay down the law to him in case he flips/cries/is actually in very real financial difficulties etc. Then I realised that he's still doing it, he's still trying to influence me and I need to man up and sort the swine out. A fellow mum (who is also spilt from her child's father, but has no problems) said that I needed to go to a solicitor etc, and after reading your messages this morning I know what I need to do. My mum was right, I am too nice, and there's one person in particular who I need to stop being so nice too!

Pupsicola, my ex never said anything to me directly, like yours did, but I was made to feel 2nd best, not as good as him etc. He stopped me from seeing so much of my family because he knew my mum was on to him as such and I guess he didn't want them 'poisoning' my mind against him.

Sue, just before OH came home from work yesterday DD1 told me that she wanted to call OH Daddy from now on. Obviously the ex was always called daddy, but she told me that she doesn't want to call him daddy anymore because he isn't her daddy. She wants to call OH 'daddy forever and ever'. His face was a picture when she told him. It's like she's almost writing the ex out of her life and it would seem that she is only happy to go with him if it's to take her to see her grandparents. Not sure how all that is going to go down with him, but as the saying goes, he made his bed and now he has to lay in it.

I think I will borrow your line about not knowing OH when she was born but would have chosen him to be her daddy. That's a lovely way of phrasing it

My to do list today:
Ring his school haha (going to do this right now!)
Find out about the villa
Ponder exactly what I'm going to do about replying to him (only cos I want answers about his job!)/getting a solicitor/going to the CSA

cat04

Ok, so I've just rung his school and asked the friendly lady if ex still worked there, I can't think of the exact words to describe her tone, but I wouldn't say he sounded best pleased about hearing his name mentioned, and no, he doesn't. So that's official as I can't see the secretaries agreeing to say that he doesn't work there to anyone who rings up to speak to him. After speaking to my mum last night we think he must have been sacked. I wonder what he's done....

I can't believe the thought of ringing up his school has made he shake so much, I felt sick and my voice was shaky on the phone. Even though I knew that I wasn't going to be put through to him (if was still working there) I think it was the thought that just by asking he might find out then get angry that I was 'checking up' on him. My hands are still shaking now!

ema_o

cat04 wrote: »

... he did the following (baring in mind that he'd stopped his wage being paid into my account - everything went in and out of there as I was a SATM so didn't pay tax on my interest - that's the lengths he would go to for a few extra pennies): 1) logged onto my paypal account, added his bank account, then made it the main account and transfered just over £100 into his bank account. 2) Used his 2nd cardholder credit card for my account to withdraw £250 (apparently he needed the money and his credit card 'didn't work') which landed me with a fee and interest too. 3) Rang up Child Tax Credits and asked them to change the bank account it was paid into (his of course) and because CTC is linked with CB, that also got paid into his account for 2 months. All the normal actions of a distressed father...

:eek::eek::eek: I literally sat there open mouthed reading this. From the email alone I can see how self-centred and manipulative he is. Stop worrying about him / thinking that you shouldn't go to solicitor / CSA for fear of it hurting him.

It does sound like he was sacked, from in his email and what you'd said I was wondering if it was just a lie and he was still working there... at least you know for sure now!!

Bless your DD, I think ex is going to get a shock as they both continue to see his true colours.

I did like the suggestions from pupsicola of the sort of thing you should reply to his email. Definitely don't bother being too nice and a pushover - you are past that now you are not with him - no reason whatsoever for you to let him walk over you now(not that there was in the first place :eek: ). I like the sound of your current OH.

cat04

Tell me about it! At the time the financial things drip fed over the space of 3-4 months and because my mind was all over the place I didn't really see it all add up as such. It's not until after the event that you list it all together and realise what an a**e he was about it all. As long as he's ok sod everyone else!

Now I've calmed down a bit I'm going to start composing an email to him this afternoon along the lines of Pupsicola's suggestion. The more I think about the situation the more I am at an utter loss as to what was going through his mind after loosing his job - 'Oh yes, I need to cancel that SO to the ex for the CM. Whilst I'm at it....I won't even tell her because she might have a go at me'. Didn't know how to tell me my a**e. GRRRRR. I think I should remind myself all all the things he's done to annoy me/upset the girls just before I write to him to ensure there isn't a drop of niceness left in me lol.

agarr

Hi, have just read this through and my goodness are you going through it! I have a ex very much like this but luckily he is stupid so wouldn't know how to steal any benefits from me! however I don't chase him for any money, just time with his son (This may soon be changing as it's flaming expensive to live at the moment!) But I do have to say one thing to you, and I mean it in the nicest way possible but you're still his doormat! You've been tearing your hair out thinking all sorts of things since xmas caring to wonder if you should care or not when NO you shouldn't. He doesn't WANT to contact his kids, if he did he would have called them at any point in the last 2 months. He doesn't WANT to pay you any money or else he would've sorted something out. All this and yet when he mails saying he'll have his kids (Goodness is his arm being twisted?) you just go ok? I would have not told my DD about the email but instead replied that having his childeren is his right but having some form of contact is his CHILDERENS right and having some payment towards their upbringing is YOUR right, so if you are to uphold your end which you are very willing to do then he had better get himself sorted, call his kids and pay something to you for their daily needs.
Your kids are suffering from his neglect, and the sad thing is that they know it. You describe your DD1 as being very self aware so knowing about this email out of the blue is only going to confuse her more when she has a visit and the contact stops again. From her view I would have to say no visits until he is comitted to having them on a regular basis.
All this from a man who worked in a school, a man who has probably seen the impact that seperated parents can have on a child. Appalling and I'm kind of glad he's been sacked if that's his opinion of his own childeren.
I apologise if I seem kind of harsh, I know what you are going through and the conflict going on in your head 'they do need to see their father' 'he does have rights' but 'my childeren are hurting from this' But I can't see you dragging yourself through this and not tell you what I see. I'm just glad you have a supportive OH to give you a cuddle when it's all on top of you.
You have every right to go to the CSA but bear in mind that you can't get any money through them until he is back in full time permanent employment, and I rekon a smart guy like that could wangle his way out of a few payments for other things too, including having to support his 'new family' and other debts like the villa etc.
I do wish you every piece of luck with this however you proceed x.
(sorry for the long post!)

cat04

Thanks for your post, and, I don't think you're being harsh. As they say, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!

I haven't said to the girls that they ARE going, or that he wants to have them that weekend. I probably didn't phrase it all very well at the time as I was feeling :mad: with him. Whikst DD1 was talking about 'daddy' I brought up the idea of what if he wanted to see you again, that's when she said no to that. So I asked if she ever wanted to see her GP again, which she obviously said yes to.

He's not going to get his way on that one! I might just try and arrange something with his parents. I know it's not very 'fair' in that he is their father, but I feel like saying to him 'no money no visits'. He can't just keep coming in and out of their happy little lives and spoiling things for them and upsetting them. I'd rather have no money and no contact ever to be honest.

You're right about him wangling himself out of payments if he can. I can't believe he just expects me to say 'yeah, you have the kids as and when you feel like it and don't worry about the money, pay me when you have a job because I know you'd tell me straight away when you start working :rotfl:'

Got to take DD2 to her much loved playgroup now. I could rant all day about that man!!