Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

agarr

I think that arranging things with his parents involved is a good way to go forward in this, it would make your DDs more comfortable and give the grandparents regular contact (if they're not already) and they might even put pressure on youe ex to keep to his times and dates rather than mess them around too
I'd like to see you taking the high ground with him. He only twists things round because he knows he is failing his kids and now in his work and finances too. Karma really is a !!!!!! when it's you on the end of it!! but that's neither here nor there really as long as he mans up and sorts out his relationship with the girls.
Enjoy the rest of your day, I have a sushi conveyor belt calling my name and a friend paying for it all woop!!

cat04

I know both DDs would love to see their GPs more often. The last time they saw them would have been August I think, maybe even before that. They are the daughter's my ex-MIL never had

I think that IF we do come to some arrangement about visits (i.e. with him to his parent's house - which is what he did with them when we first split up, and also again in the 2nd year) it will have to be set dates with set times that are to be stuck to. I never changed the arrangement we had, and ex never asked to change it, so technically speaking he should still be having the girls every other weekend lol. He had them less than 10 times in 2010, which is less than once a month.

I love karma, and the thing I love most is that money always came first with him, we lived such a thrifty lifestyle when there were 1000s in the bank, I'm almost embarrassed to say but at one point there was over £100,000 in different accounts, and now karma has come back and hit him where it hurts - financially I still feel a bit cruel doing so, but it makes me laugh

It's not my cup of tea, but I hope you enjoy your sushi!

cat04

Oh bu88er bu88er bu88er it!! I've been writing my long and detailed email. I took his email and wrote my lengthy, harsh comments in red, with a view to reading it back tonight with OH and making changes as needed. Almost done and I wanted to save it as a draft cos I needed a break and didn't want to lose it. Did I hit the 'save draft' button or the 'send' button next to it? Yep, I sent it, along with all the b*tchy comments I wrote, some of which I wanted to type to make me feel better but didn't want him to read...too late now! I sent him another quick email saying it was sent in error and I wasn't finished yet lol. Finished it off now and sent the complete one. Just need to wait for his reply.....

I felt sick to the pit of my stomach the second I realised I'd hit the wrong button, but now I feel a sense of calmness coming over me, and I couldn't give 2 hoots what he wants to make of it/me Woohoo, I think I've finally stopped letting him have power/control over me OMG do I feel better for it!!

puppypants

Good for you Cat!!

My ex used to have my boys every third weekend when we first got divorced, they were seven and eight. This was on my insistence as he said to them when he left, "I won't be one of those dads who sees you at weekends, if you want to see me, ring me". !!!! I told him how disgusting that was in no uncertain terms. Anyway, as you can imagine, he soon got bored of this, as did the boys, as they had to sit quietly whilst he did paperwork!!!

He eventually cut all contact, never paid me a penny maintenance (he was self employed but lied that he was unemployed, even though his business was in the Yellow Pages).

The boys had not so much as a phone call on birthdays, Christmas etc. Never rang to wish them luck in exams etc. My youngest worked in Homebase for a while, and his father went into the store and completely blanked him!

This went on until last year, (the boys are now 34 and 33!!!) when he contacted them via facebook with a 'friend me' request. My eldest son was curious so he contacted him back and they arranged to meet up. He said he was expecting to meet someone that he knew, but was shocked that he did'nt know the man.

Youngest son will have nothing to do with him. But eldest keeps in touch by facebook, or rather his father keeps in touch with him! It makes me sooo angry even after all these years. In my opinion, he gave up all rights to be a father when he walked away. It rankles that he sees pictures of my grandchildren. I can picture him boasting about the fact that eldest son has a Masters in physics and is soon to do his Phd. After all, their achievements are NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

As you can see, I still get wound up even after all these years, but I have to respect my eldest son's
wish to be in contact with his father, although it appears to be one-sided.

What I wanted to say, before I ranted was to wish you luck in whatever happens in your troubles, concentrate on that lovely OH you have and your little girls. I never remarried, tried it, din't like it!!

Best wishes, Rosie XXXX

cat04

Puppypants - it sounds like your ex is similar to mine, who would have thought he wanted my girls to live with him in the beginning - bet he's thinking he's had a lucky excape! By the way, I LOVE your signature

I've had a reply to my mammoth email to him. I asked about the reason behind him becoming jobless, what his job prospects were - i.e. can he teach again?, a few issues about the DDs etc etc. I mentioned lots of things, and some of them would usually get him all defensive etc. This is it:

Thanks for your prompt response.


I think about the girls all the time. I just find it very upsetting talking to them on the phone. DD1 always says that she doesn't want to talk, has she is busy doing something and doesn't want to be disturbed which is fine. They have always been like that and that is good as whoever they are with and whatever they are doing they like.


I do have Xmas presents for them and so does my mum.


Just let me know when you can about next weekend (22nd).

Absolute disregard for anything I asked/mentioned. No ref to the financial side of things. If DD1 doesn't even want to talk to him on the phone (the past year she refused 99% of the time, not because she was busy but because she didn't want to) what makes him think she wants to spend time with him? Ho hum...

pupsicola

Hi Cat,

Well done you for sending the email. Dont worry about the first draft going too. I know that sick to the pit of your stomach feeling, but it will do your ex no harm to see how annoyed you are with him.

I was thinking this through a bit and it seems more likely that your ex was asked to leave his position rather than him just walking out after a disagreement. If this is the case he may struggle to get a job working with children again. This would also effect him being able to apply and get alot of other positions too. So financially he could be in a mess for a very long time.

I dont think at anytime through this thread that you have come across in any other way than a concerned mum who is doing her best. You have shown concern and worry over someone who absolutely does not deserve a second thought from you. You have described your ex as he is and if it makes for unpleasant reality that is his failing not yours.

Keep in touch and dont face all this on your own

puppypants

If he has Christmas presents for them, why didn't he post them so they could open them at Christmas?

Another cop-out I think!! Also, if DD1 doesn't want to talk to him on nthe phone, she is old enough to receive a letter from him. That way he can say what he wants to her! 'spose thats too easy though. Why haven't the grandparents kept in touch with your little ones?

By the way, I think you are being far too generous with him still! Kids also make up their own minds about badduns eventually. Sorry I'm a bit rambly. Just thoughts popping out!

Best wishes
RosieXX

cat04

I told him in the email I assumed that he'd been sacked cos noone in their right mind would walk out of a well paid job with no new one to go to. Even now, after I'm 'free' of him, I still worry that people will think that what he says and does is ok and that I misunderstand him and put him in a false bad light. But I know that's not true now, so thanks for the back up on that one.

Post presents?? But that would cost money silly!!

Got to sort tea now, but thank you both so much for your supportive messages, it's really helping me feel stronger and that I'm 'right' to stand up to him more

83jlg83

Gosh you really have had a crappy time ;-( . I just spent 20 mins reading through your story , you are being really composed and you should feel proud of yourself . I can see your starting to stand up to him , amazing how you keep your cool in your mails , you have great restraint !! Im so intrigued to find out why he dismisses your questions into his intention of future maintainance payments it just sounds really fishy!!

pupsicola

I hadn't read your post regarding your ex response.

Cant work out whether he is playing mind games with you or if he has real mental health issues.

For someone who works with children he has absolutely no idea about how they think/feel. Does he really allow himself to believe that the reason his little girl barely wants to speak to him is because she is busy and does not want to be interrupted. Little girls adore their dads, I did - still do. At her age there is nothing I could be doing that I wouldn't have dropped in an instant if my dad wanted to chat to me. He must know deep down that she chooses not to speak to him because there is no relationship between them anymore. Yet he thinks she will want to spend time with him. It doesn't add up.

I feel desperately sad mostly for your daughters and yourself. I also pity your ex because he is throwing away so much through being so arrogant and negligent.