Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

clairec79

The bit where you said your daughter mentioned if he were dead you wouldn't cry anymore at the girls having to go is making me worry a bit - where did she get that from? if it's her dad I'd be worried (especially as you haven't heard from him in 2 months or had CM which you said is unusual) that he was thinking of suicide. Maybe it's a jump, but it could be seen as an attempt to soften the blow of his death to your daughter(s)

cat04

Bl**dy stupid laptop, just wrote a massive reply/half rant and the bleedin' thing has messed it all up ggggrrrrrr!!!

Not typing that again, so in short:

His parents don't like me, so I don't feel comfortable ringing them/talking to them about what might be happening with ex.
His GF doesn't even look at me when she comes with him to pick the girls up, she looks the other way and I've never spoken to her - stuck up moo
I've thought over the past couple of months about writing to his parents to see if they want to make arrangements to see the girls - not fair they should miss out just because he wants to!!

If I don't hear back from him about contact then it's his tough luck, and I'll just have to sort the money out from my end if he doesn't do anything about it. Tough luck to him. I don't particularly want to go through the CSA but will if I need to, and we'll get more money so he's shooting himself in the foot on that one.

He's too much of a wimp to even contemplate suicide, it's not something he would even think of as a solution. Plus, I think that DD1 may have heard OH and I talking in bed a couple of nights before her comment and I said something along the lines of 'For all we know he could have died and no one's told us for whatever reason, but I really don't think that could have happened'. I think she may have said it to a) protect my feelings and b) protect her own feelings - 'better to think contact's stopped because he's dead then doesn't love/want me' Feel very sad for DDs and for him too.

DD1 is desparate for OH to be her 'real dad' and has got very upset about it, without talking about the birds and birds in detail I've had to explain that even though daddy hasn't lived with us for a very long time, he's still her daddy cos she always asks 'but whhhhy??', bless her. I can see the day coming where if he decided to start contact again, he's going to have difficulty in making DD1 go, and I for one am not going to push her out the door whilst she screams. Out of interest, at what age is the child's wishes taken into consideration in terms of visits? Is it 12 before they can chose themselves not to go?

One thing that has really got on my wick is that ex has told the DDs on just about every visit that OH is NOT their dad, he is. Fine, but DD1 refers to his GF's kids as either 'A's and daddy's children' or 'daddy's other children'. Stubborn man, doesn't he realise he's pushing her away? If she wanted to call the GF 'mum' or see her as being another mum then that's ok with me. I know I'm her mum and I know how much she loves me so it's not a big issue. Also, if she wanted to call her mum I would know that she's got a good relationship with the GF and feels happy/comfortable with her. But she won't get the chance because the girls hardly ever visit lol.

I feel better for getting that (and the deleted post) off my chest. Got to go get DD1 from school now, and try not to let my mind go into overdrive whilst waiting for his reply!

Thanks for listening

cat04

Right then, update time. Whilst I was getting DD1 I've had a reply to my email :eek: I'm pretty sure it's him who's written it so he's not dead :cool:
I've copied and pasted his email, removing names etc cos it'll be quicker then me trying to write bits of it. My comments are in red.


'I am sorry that I have not been in contact, and I am not making excuses, but things have been very difficult and I was'nt sure how to tell you. Overall I know that the girls are well and if there was any problems you would contact me as you have done before.

At the moment I am no longer working. I had a disagreement and left before Christmas. As I mentioned before ex is an Assisstant Headteacher. For those in the know about teaching, it's very hard to 'get rid' of teachers unless they have done something very bad, e.g. inappropriate activities with a child etc. If you're simply 'not suited' to the school you are encouraged to move on. If you do resign then I assume you work notice, not sure what as never had to do it myself, but I would assume that half a term would be right as if you apply and get another job you have to give them half a terms notice. Also, unless you have committed a crime against teaching and therefore not likely to get another teaching job you wouldn't leave your job until you have found another one, so the disagreement bit just doesn't wash with me. Therefore I have no money coming in and unable to pay the maintance. But he knew this was happening as he cancelled the SO but didn't think to tell/warn me??!! Obviously I want to pay towards their upbringing as I feel that is part of my role. As soon as I am working again I will pay the money. I am at the moment trying to get casual work as well, if I get any, I will pay whatever I can.

On top of all this A's dad had a stroke in the earlier hours of Christmas day (his family have seemed to suffer greatly with illness this year and the old illness excuse is out once more. Sorry if I sound uncaring/harsh, but if it did happen, it was probably before or after Christmas as the rate of family illness/car problems falling on the same day as his rare visits is very high. It's his fault I'm so synical! and I was going to contact you and them about having them in the New Year, as I know that I had them last Christmas (for less than 24 hours having previously wanted them for almost a week, meaning we had to cancel a party at the last minute and re-arrange several things - great that we had the kids for 99% off the Xmas hols, but not so good about the party, but that put pay to all that. Also, her Nan died (on the same day, what bad luck) and therefore things have been very difficult to to say the least. Her dad is still in hospital and at the moment is very poorly.

I would like to have them next weekend, Saturday 22nd January, and take them to my Mums, if that is ok with you. Spoke to DD1 about this, she said no at first when I asked her about seeing daddy again, but when I mentioned going to Nannie and Grandad's she got very excited bless her and went off to tell DD2 who is also keen 'as long as to Nannie's we'll go, but I don't want to go to Daddy's' says DD1...

Thanks for your help and co-operation with all this.' That has got to be the politest he's ever been to me since we split up! Maybe someone else did write this after all! To say he's an AH at a school his grammar is usually very poor and he doesn't converse very well - he must have been having tutoring

I'm sure I sound like a right B**tch but I've had to wade through plenty of bull poo with him before now.

I mentioned a villa in Florida before, that it was in -ve equity and that I was being copied in on emails between ex and the bank/some financial person. He was goignt o apply for a 'deed in lieu of foreclosure'. I googled it at the time but probably didn't find the best explanation so just done it now:

A deed in lieu of foreclosure is where you deed your property to the lender in exchange for being forgiven the entire amount of the mortgage. The lender then sells off the property in order to retrieve as much of the unpaid mortgage amount as they can.

I assume this was done, BUT I should have signed 2 documents according to the rest of the info. I haven't, but in the summer he forged my signature on a document that was needed prior to selling the villa - which, I have just found out from our villa management lasy, then fell through as he couldn't raise the $70,000 :eek: to 'close' the sale. If he's done it before he might have done it again!

Not sure what to think of it all. I'm inclined to believe there's eithere some white lie or something further to what he's told me about his job which may or may not be linked to the villa.

Waiting for OH to get back before I even think of replying to him. Maybe I was better off not knowing as now there's even more going round my head :rotfl:

pupsicola

Its not up to your ex to decide who your daughter sees as being her dad. That is her decision.

There is a big difference from being a biological father and being a dad to a child. A dad is there for you 24/7. He helps create a happy safe home, cooks for you, is there for bathtime and bedtime stories, plays games, teaches you to read, helps with homework, looks after you when you are sick, wipes your tears when you are upset, takes you out and about and celebrates all your achievements. If he can help it he avoids at all costs letting you down.

As a parent you have to earn your kids love and respect, its not a given. No wonder your dd sees your OH as her dad, bless her.

pupsicola

Wow. Is he a very self-centred arogant person? Only in his email he seems to have no idea about the upset and concern he must have caused the children by disappearing off the scene. I cant believe he mentioned so casually about seeing them again.

I work in a school and the way he explains his departure seems very odd. He would normally have to work a notice period to allow for them to try to arrange for someone to replace him. Unless they have a large number of staff who can handle his role short term.

cat04

pupsicola wrote: »

Wow. Is he a very self-centred arogant person? Only in his email he seems to have no idea about the upset and concern he must have caused the children by disappearing off the scene. I cant believe he mentioned so casually about seeing them again.

I work in a school and the way he explains his departure seems very odd. He would normally have to work a notice period to allow for them to try to arrange for someone to replace him. Unless they have a large number of staff who can handle his role short term.

Do you know my ex by any chance? Self-centred, check; arogant, check, you've hit the nail on the head lol.

That's what he's like unfortunately. It always has been him first, me and the kids second, and now we're divorced it's like he has an added excuse as we don't live together anymore.

I thought the whole job thing was very odd too. His name is still on his school website as being the AH there. I have half a mind to ring up tomorrow and ask to speak to him and see what they say....

In your other post you put it so well how I feel about DD wanting to see OH as her dad

cat04

Just wanted to add that although we're not totally dependant on the CM, it does help a lot and I have been worrying about our large Amex bill that got paid today, not a lot left in the account but nothing else to go out. We always pay it in full, and we had lots of petrol, some pressies and Xmas food, plus a few sales things that we needed on it. The one month we actually could have done with the CM we don't get it. I think there is pence between the bill and what OH's wage is lol. Good job it was a one off due to Christmas.

I was already thinking about reducing our spending - grocery, energy use, petrol etc, so will have to try extra hard now. I've had a look on the OS board and joined the grocery challenge which should help keep me on track, and I've also joined the declutter challenge too, which should help me to unearth some things for car-booting and ebay

pupsicola

cat04 wrote: »

I am sorry that I have not been in contact, and I am not making excuses, but things have been very difficult and I was'nt sure how to tell you. Overall I know that the girls are well and if there was any problems you would contact me as you have done before. At the moment I am no longer working. I had a disagreement and left before Christmas. Therefore I have no money coming in and unable to pay the maintance. Obviously I want to pay towards their upbringing as I feel that is part of my role. As soon as I am working again I will pay the money. I am at the moment trying to get casual work as well, if I get any, I will pay whatever I can.

On top of all this A's dad had a stroke in the earlier hours of Christmas day and I was going to contact you and them about having them in the New Year, as I know that I had them last Christmas, but that put pay to all that. Also, her Nan died and therefore things have been very difficult to to say the least. Her dad is still in hospital and at the moment is very poorly.

I would like to have them next weekend, Saturday 22nd January, and take them to my Mums, if that is ok with you.

Thanks for your help and co-operation with all this.

He thinks his life has been difficult. Could be worth pointing out the comment your dd made about it being better if he were dead. Just what has been going through that little girls mind the last couple of months doesn't bare thinking about. He is very concerned about
his partners dad and nan isn't he. Yet has no concept whatsoever about his own kids feelings and worries.

So your ex wants you to believe that he has walked out on a stable, well paid job over a disagreement. Despite knowing that he has financial commitments to support "his children" and his "other family". There is a major recession, no-one in their right minds would walk out on a job at the moment.

After 2 months no contact and not even a phone call at xmas he wants to collect them and take them away for a weekend as if nothing has happened.

The thing that gets me is how he signs off. Thanks for your help and co-operation with all this - thats how you right a formal letter to a bank etc. Not to someone who you have messed about emotionally and financially. He is assuming you are going to help and co-operate and just fit in with him and struggle on.

Jesus no wonder you need to rant. I would think long and hard about how you respond to that. A bit of blunt, straight talking wouldn't go a miss. I would be tempted to advise him that he will be recieving a solicitors letter advising him of what payments are overdue and due in future regardless of the financial situation he has put himself in. Also a new access agreement relating to the kids which will be on your terms.

Start to be the one that dictates instead of him treating you like a doormat. His whole approach is subtle bullying and until he realises he has met his match and been seen through he will carry on.

cat04

My mum would love you She also thinks I've been treated like a doormat, and for almost 10 years of marriage I didn't even realise how 'bad' it was. It wasn't until I'd left and people - family, friends and neighbours etc, felt they could say things that I realised the whole knew but not me! OH is the complete opposite and actually hates (he doesn't hate anyone) him for the way he's treated and spoken to me and still tries to. I never had a lot of self-confidence before I met my ex, but he knocked me right down without me seeing it. I still ask OH sometimes if he REALLY does love me, am I a good enough mum/gf/housewife etc etc because for a long time I was made to feel I wassn't quite good enough really. He humours me bless him.

Sometimes I think that I'm biased and worry that other people will think I'm being mean towards the ex, but if an outsider can see what he's like through reading an email then maybe I am actually right about him and not just a bitter ex-wife lol. As much as I believe my family and OH, I know that they are also biased towards me, and want to protect me, so it makes me feel a whole lot better that someone else also backs up their opinions on him.

It's funny what you say about how he signed off, that it sounds like he assumes I'll say 'ok, fine, go along with whatever makes life easy for you'. I was only saying to OH last night when I 'asked' for a back rub by saying 'can you rub my back thanks' - by saying thanks it puts the idea in the mind that because 'thanks' was used instead of 'please' you have agreed to do it, so do it. Not sure if I explained that very well. Basically by putting a thanks at the end instead of please, you're more likely to get the outcome you want.

Also, you mentioned about him not thinking about the consequences of his actions towards the children. When we first split up I went to live with my parents, we hadn't agreed contact yet as he was saying things like he was going to keep the children etc etc so for 3 weeks he didn't see them. When he first realised I wasn't going to let him come and get them, instead of phoning his solicitor, or the kids or even me he did the following (baring in mind that he'd stopped his wage being paid into my account - everything went in and out of there as I was a SATM so didn't pay tax on my interest - that's the lengths he would go to for a few extra pennies): 1) logged onto my paypal account, added his bank account, then made it the main account and transfered just over £100 into his bank account. 2) Used his 2nd cardholder credit card for my account to withdraw £250 (apparently he needed the money and his credit card 'didn't work') which landed me with a fee and interest too. 3) Rang up Child Tax Credits and asked them to change the bank account it was paid into (his of course) and because CTC is linked with CB, that also got paid into his account for 2 months. All the normal actions of a distressed father...

So, it wasn't enough for him to be taking home £2600 a month, but he needed to take away the CTC and CB from his children even though I had no other income whatsoever. Oh, and because all the bills came out of my account I paid them that month too. The gas/elec was in my name so I had to cancel the account and was then liable for the closing balance, plus the apparent over payment from CTC when changing to a single claim (we split up in April so think this was because of the change in tax year). I asked but never got a single penny from him to cover any of it. And he didn't start paying CM until 3 months after I left. Good job we always had a bit extra in the account otherwise I would have been skint.

Ooops, more rant...but I feel better for it

pupsicola

I dont know your ex but I recognise alot of his character traits from having clocked up 14 years with another wrong-un myself. Im not giving your ex any credit here, but he is inteligient. In as much as it must be mind-numbingly frustrating trying to get him to see things from anyones point of view but his own.

He knows how to word things so as to try and get people on his side. Twists every situation so it looks like he is caught in an impossible mess and needs everyones help and understanding to get through it. All the while completely overlooking how badly he has behaved.

Did his parents pamper to his every little whim whilst he was growing up as he seems to have no realistic grip on the basics of life. Floating round in his own little bubble way above all the chaos and heartache he causes.

The only repsonse I would give him would be a short, sharp email saying something like this

His financial situation was completely avoidable, he didn't have to walk out of a job because he had a disagreement with someone. That he is still liable to pay CM as agreed by the courts. That you are shocked that after no contact with his daughters, which has caused them immeasurable distress, he wishes to turn up and take them away for the weekend like nothing has happened. To expect a solicitors letter requesting immediate payment of overdue CM which will also advise when all future payments must be paid and new contact arrangements in the interest of the girls set out.

I wish you alot of luck with this.