Advice needed about ex-hubby and contact/maintenence please

cat04

I don't normally post on this board (more of a nosy lurker!) and not sure if it's the right place for this, but here goes.

Background info:
I have 2 DDs (3 and 6) with my ex-husband, we split in April 2008 (I left him) and divorce finally came through in Nov 2009.
EX was VERY money orientated - the stories I could tell! In fact sometime I think he put money before us :eek:

In the beginning he was very much 'The weekends and holidays are mine' (those were his words, like his kids were possesions to be passed backwards and forwards!) and yes, he did have them every weekend whilst we lived back with my parents 75 miles from him.
Fast forward to me moving in with OH and after DD1 started at Nursery we decided on us having the girls every 3rd wkend, then when she started school every other wkend.

This was fine and as far as I can recall he had them on every arranged wkend/holiday.

As soon as the divorce came through and the CM was set for 1 year (we had agreed between us at £300 a month previous to that and stuck with that amount) he started not being able to have them as much (also coinsided with him living with his gf and her 2 older children (about 10 & 12??) ), having to rearrange visits which then never hapened etc, couldn't have them as much during holidays etc.

Now this was fine with me, I love my girls and would prefer to have them here with me, in fact DD1 preferred this too and would say so. Have had issues with ex regarding his 'care' of the girls whilst they were with him but that's another story.

Anyway, to get to the point, ex hardly had the kids last year. Only had them for about 3/4 days in one go in the summer hols, which should have been a week and suddenly got changed due to his latest made up reason. After this he cancelled 3 wkend visits at the last minute expecting me to explain to the kids, he also turns up late EVERY (and I do mean every) time he does manage to have them with no warning/text/call etc.

The last time he had them was just after DD1's birthday when he had them for the weekend (arranged at the last minute and turned up late yet again) and brought them back on 7/11/10. We haven't heard a thing from him. No phone calls (not unusual, but usually only 2/3 weeks at the most), texts, emails (my preferred method of contact - he usually ends up winding me up on the phone), nothing at all. Bearing in mind that we've just had Christmas I find it rather peculilar, but haven't done anything about it as to be honest I don't want to be in contact with him and the girls never talk about him, and have both said they don't like going to stay with him and know that he lets them down a lot with missed visits and lateness etc. They have also become upset recently over the fact that OH isn't their 'real' dad

To top it off he has just missed this months CM payment. It usually lands in my account on 2nd of the month (via a standing order), sometimes up until 6th at the very latest. As today is 7th I know that he's cancelled it for whatever reason. Speaking to my mum today she thinks he may have declared himself bankrupt - another very long story to do with a villa in Florida that we bought when I was preggers with DD2 - he needed to get rid but it's in negative equity, and it actually costs a hell of a lot to sell up over there due to one thing and another. My name is still on the deeds (eek!) even though the divorce absolves me of all financial responsibility.

After all that I'm not sure what I'm asking I needed to release but I think what I'm asking is what do I do next?? Yes, I know I should contact him in the first place, I'm going to email him tonight and see what he has to say. I can't see why he could cancel the SO, but my mum said if he's declared BR then his assests would be frozen therefore no payment. Whatever it is, he hasn't informed me (no big surprise there either). Thank God we weren't replying on that payment for the mortgage/bills etc.

I just feel really :mad: with him at the moment for not having the decency to tell me about anything. If he has problems of whatever nature and can't afford to pay/pay the usual amount it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I just wish he'd told me first cos no doubt whatever I say he'll make out I'm being greedy/being the bad one for even bringing up topic up. He probably won't tell me anything at all as it's 'none of my business', or worse tell me one of his many fabrications.

I don't really want to have to go through the CSA, and anyway, if he is BR would I get anything??

Any comments welcome, like I said, not sure what I'm actually asking of you Got to go do tea now - sorry for the long post!

cat04

OMG, that is mega long - sorry!!

**Patty**

1. The £300 CM at the time of divorce: Is there a Court Order for that or was it by Private arrangement (agreed between you)

2. Whether he is bankrupt or not...he is still liable for child maintenance. It will be built into his bankruptcy like rent/bills.



Sorry if thats short......I am also burning dinner

cat04

Thanks for your reply Patty, hope your dinner is ok!

He started paying me the £300 in July 2008 which we agreed between ourselves. It's stated in the divorce papers that it would stay at that amount for one year from the date of the divorce. I'm pretty sure it also stated that he would pay them until they turned 18, will get the papers out when the kids are in bed and have a look. I didn't even think of that, my brain is in overload and the flu isn't helping!
I know nothing about being BR at all, so thanks for that info too

RAS

cat04 wrote: »

He started paying me the £300 in July 2008 which we agreed between ourselves. It's stated in the divorce papers that it would stay at that amount for one year from the date of the divorce

So the year is up and there may or may not be an arrangment in place as to what happens now?

You need to find out ASAP if there is anything in the divorce settlement and if not apply to the CSA tomorrow.

With respect to bankruptcy, if he has done this in the UK, then you can check his name on the Insolvency Register unless it is very recent. Just google and check as it is free public access.

As a BR he would be allowed to pay any court order for maintenance and any CSA assessment from his income. That takes priority over his creditors, but the account from which the SO was paid coukld have been frozen.

You will need advice on any debts that are joint that were not transferred to him wholly by the divorce settlement, urgently.

cat04

I've found the papers and it states that he will pay the rate of £150 per child per month on 3rd of each month until the youngest reaches 18 or ceases full-time secondary education. So yes, it looks like he's breaking the Court Order for whatever reason. He thinks he's above the law/rules of any kind so he would think it was perfectly ok for him to cancel it. His name isn't on the register, but I would guess it if he is BR it would be very recent.

It doesn't say in the papers that the amount is set for one year now I've checked. What I think is that my Solicitor told me that it is set at £300 for one year and then after that we can discuss between ourselves if it is to change (i.e. go up!). I don't think I worded it very well, I didn't mean that payments would stop after a year, just the amount agreed couldn't be changed before the year was up.

There are no joint debt, the only think I'm named on is the mortgage for the Florida villa, but in the divorce papers it states that I am indemnified from all mortgage/interest/monthly capital repayments/any other costs in relation to the villa.

pupsicola

Do you know for sure that nothing has "happened" to him. For there to be no contact for so long, especially over xmas, would set alarm bells ringing for me. Even the worst parent would have to be very hard hearted not to call their kids xmas day. If anything had happened to him his accounts would be frozen, therfore stopping any payments to you going out. I may have it completely wrong, just what came to mind first.

cat04

To be honest that was my first thought too. 2 months to the date since we last heard from him, usually it's about every 2-4 weeks that we get a phone call. The thing I don't get is that his gf would have/have access to our phone number. She knows where we live as she often comes with him to collect the girls. His parents have my number too, so why hasn't anyone been in touch to tell us what fate has befallen him?? I just don't get why he didn't ring on xmas day

I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and get in touch with him, as much as it pains me. I'll wait to see if he answers my email first and then take it from there.

cavework

I think you need to find a way to get over the the problems you and your ex have regarding splitting up and moving on.
I know the money side is important but your children have a Mum and a Dad and the fact that you have decided not to live together anymore is an issue that they have not had a choice in.
You are both responsible for the children you brought into this world and they should be the the most important consideration .
You cannot make judgements about how your kids feel about their Dad. Kids quite often will say what one parent wants to hear rather than what they actually want.
Texting and email is just stupid .. track him down ..call him , then sit down and discuss access .. money .. timetables .. work commitments and work around the problems, but be fair your ex also has to adjust to the new way your lives have gone.
You will find that in years to come you will both hopefully be involved in their lives .. you cannot change that as you are both their parents. If you start off now by working together , discussing issues and laying down some ground rules between yourselves your kids will grow up with a huge amount of respect for both you.

pupsicola

I hope you get the answers you need and quickly.

cat04

cavework wrote: »

I think you need to find a way to get over the the problems you and your ex have regarding splitting up and moving on.
I know the money side is important but your children have a Mum and a Dad and the fact that you have decided not to live together anymore is an issue that they have not had a choice in.
You are both responsible for the children you brought into this world and they should be the the most important consideration .
You cannot make judgements about how your kids feel about their Dad. Kids quite often will say what one parent wants to hear rather than what they actually want.
Texting and email is just stupid .. track him down ..call him , then sit down and discuss access .. money .. timetables .. work commitments and work around the problems, but be fair your ex also has to adjust to the new way your lives have gone.
You will find that in years to come you will both hopefully be involved in their lives .. you cannot change that as you are both their parents. If you start off now by working together , discussing issues and laying down some ground rules between yourselves your kids will grow up with a huge amount of respect for both you.

Actually, to me the money side isn't important, and if I didn't get it, we could just about get by without it. But, it's something he's responsible for as they are his children and so should pay. Yes, we both brought the girls into this world but I have since found out that he only went along with my 'baby making plans' because he wanted to keep hold of me (he's a control freak by nature. He very much liked being in control of money and of me too - it didn't help that when we got married I was 18 and he was 26). I had lost twins at 10 weeks gone and according to him it was 'for the best' and I was made to feel that I couldn't grieve for my babies. DD2 came along shortly after and it turns out he didn't want another child, didn't come with me to the hospital when I had her even though after a C Section of DD1 I was at risk of a ruptured uterus and he didn't try to bond with DD2 in the weeks after she was born, told others he hadn't wanted anymore children, claimed she cried in the night just to wind him up and keep him awake so he was tired for work....

Since spliting up DD1 has told me several things I didn't like the sound of, DD2 came back with a facial injury whoch he lied to me about how she got it, DD1 bless her told me how it happened then he tried to deny he'd lied to me; DD2 got to sit on the gf's knee in the front seat on a car journey from his parent's house Sheffield to us in Lincoln as 'a treat' because they'd picked her 2 children up during their visit and there wasn't enough room for them all.....I could go on. So I wouldn't really say he was 'responsible'. If I bring any of this up, he doesn't want to talk about it because it's all in the past, and if I dare to challenge him he tries to blackmail me with telling 'everyone' about something I didn't even do :rotfl:

I wasn't going to say it, but at the table tonight DD2 came out and said that if daddy was dead then she wouldn't have to go and see him anymore and then mummy wouldn't cry because her and her sister were gone :eek: Where she got that from I'm not sure, but I know she must be feeling hurt inside because his lack of contact over the past year.

Because of all of these things, and because he still likes to think he has control over me there's no way we can sit down together and discuss things. He doesn't do that. He tells people. He lies and he upsets my beautiful daughters and he is nowhere near as good a father as my OH. I know that doesn't take his rights as a father away, but I wish it did.

We have discussed over the phone previously when he'd have the girls. It was every other weekend until he simple decided that he didn't want to do that. He didn't tell me this, he would just ring up and say he couldn't have them that weekend for whatever reason he made up, then the phone calls got further and further apart. I have arranged many weekend with him for him to cancel at the last minute. It's pointless having a set arrangement with him because he just doesn't stick to it. Yes, I know if I went through the courts I could make him, but he obviously doesn't want to and I don't want to as I hate seeing the kids cry when he comes to pick them up etc.

When we moved last Feb I had to email, text and ring him just to get him to call the girls. He can't send a text to tell me he's going to be late because it costs him 10p and they aren't worth that to him. He's over an hour late picking them up, again with no text, because he feels it's more important to come to our town to go clothes and shoe shopping with his gf and take her out to lunch then to be on time to see his girls when he hasn't seen them for a month.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into a major rant about the ex. It's always been bloody take take take with him, he couldn't give 2 hoots about us. He has no idea about being a father and I know it kills him to pay out £300 a month for his kids even though he earns 3 times as much as my OH. It must kill him that his gf is more his age and is not young and trusting and stupid as I was, and obviously puts her foot down about things and makes him spend his money. It just pees me off that it's always been me and OH who have compromised, changed our plans, ended up being late for things due to him.

Talking to him isn't going to solve anything because none of it is 'any of my business' and is all probably in the past anyway according to him so not relevant lol.