MSE Parents Club Part 16

andrealm

Mine have never stayed away from home overnight as there's nowhere for them to go! A break for a night or two would be lovely tbh, but I probably wouldn't want any more than that. I didn't find it hard to leave dd1 at nursery though, they do need to learn to spend time away from mummy, unless you are going to home educate them and never let them go to any activities, or to friends' houses as they get older.Everyone worries about their kids and leaving them with other people, but it's all part of growing up.

I don't think staying away from home overnight needs to be compulsory for a 3 year old, but if you're on your own, it would be good for your son to be used to spending time with a close family member or friend if their is someone that would look after him if you had to go into hospital or something.

I never stayed at relatives' on my own overnight either as a child.

delain

Hello :hello:

My word it's been quiet!

I've got some oranges knocking about, has anyone got any cake etc recipes I could work them into? I did see a nice chocolate orange brownie one but not so MSE as I'd have to buy chocolate but they sound really good!

I've been reading some of the old birth stories, Tia yours had me in tears but I'm glad you had a happy ending

I hope all the babies are being good and getting their mummies and daddies lots of sleep

OH got all the big monsters up this morning and showered them for me and I got a lie in till 9.15 :j All I had to do was give little squeak her bottle and take her in with me she fell asleep

balletshoes

moonbeam2007 wrote: »

Ok here goes.

My lovely son is 3 yrs old and I am being told that I 'need to let go a bit'.

He goes to Nursery a few sessions for 2 1/2 hours but that's not the problem. I have not let him stay away from home not with anyone as I feel he is 1] very young - no rush 2] he likes being with Mummy and I love being with him too

But it's driving me mad being told 'you need to let go' 'your not doing the right thing for him' WHY??? he's 3 not 23.

Now granted he hasn't stayed anywhere, only once when I was taken into hospital over night and left the next morning I was with him by 9am and hated it not being with him. I worry I really worry and maybe Yes I worry too,,, much but he's my whole world and I really enjoy our time together. I don't need a break as people sometimes say, I don't NEED him to go away for a weekend or over night.

He only has me, his Dad has spend past 3 years popping in and out his life and hasn't seen him since july last year. I am over protective of him but isn't all Mum's??

Am I being wrong by not letting him stay away? He doesn't seem to want to when he's asked but I'm told that's my fault.

Don't know what to think

He's 3 - who's asked him to stay over at 3 years old? I'm sure there are extended families who do that and its fine - but if you're an OTT mum, then so was I when my child was 3 . I only ever left my child with someone else (usually my mum, dad or sister) in the evening on the rare occasion I was invited to a wedding or something like that when she was a baby/toddler, and I was home long before she woke in the morning. I had to be away overnight for work once, my best friend stepped in but that was unavoidable, my child didn't have a choice.

It doesn't mean your little one won't get his independence, but he's only 3, and if he doesn't need or want to be away from you and you feel the same way, you're not doing anything wrong at all.

janeawej

To be able to function properly in life chidren need to have a secure base from which to go out and explore from, you are giving him this base yet allowing him a little freedom to learn about being with and exploring the world by sending him to nursery. My first child was never left with anyone except her father untill she was about 5 months old when I was persuaded to leave her with MIL for an hour and go out, it was dreadfull and I missed her and she was crying when i returned, at 6 months old she started to go to nursery for just 2 hours twice a week as I wanted her to be able to be without me for short periods of time, (after losing my father at the age of 2 I had sufffered from bad separation anxiety and didnt want her to be unable to be away from me) when I had my second child she was 16 months old and spent her first night away with my mum as I was in labour throughout the night and had no one who could be at home with her we collected her in the morning and took her home with the baby. The next time she stayed away was when I was hospitalised 3 years later before the birth of my 3rd child. She and my other children had lots of friends and went to 'play' with others but always with me there, despite my ex saying that i shoud leave her I never did, I did as you do and sent them to nursery and then playgroup for a few mornings a week to prepare them for going to school and the few occasions when there was no choice but to leave them with others, they certainly didn have sleepovers till they were 9 or 10 and then only with people I had known for years and trusted. I now have 4 confident teenagers ages 13-19 who have plenty of freinds, go away on school, scout etc camps when they want to and are appropriately independent for their ages. speaking as a mum and also as a qualifed nursery nurse and child behaviour specialist I think you are doing the right thing, and I have never regretted keeping my children close to me.

pandora205

Mmm - it depends what is meant by 'staying over'. If it's overnight then 3 is very young although familiar grandparents or of course with the child's father would be fairly usual. Does your son spend time with other children ('play dates') and separate okay at nursery? If so, then he's developing a wider network of support. Lots of one to one attention from mum is wonderful for a child's security (assuming a positive relationship) but if there is no other support the child is very vulnerable. Sadly, sometimes things change.... Mums get ill, depressed, find new interests and partners... even die (not too often thank goodness) and then young children whose only close attachment is with mum is so vulnerable. Is there an extended family network or friends who offer support and who are there to love and care if you are not able, OP?

I'm playing devil's advocate a bit here as many preschool settings are far from ideal and don't provide the quality of relationships, stimulation or care that can be provided at home. And young children need close, loving attachments with people who love them in a way than is easier for parents than others.

... but it is important to encourage young children to grow and develop: to explore and try new things without protecting them too much... Knowing when to take the arm bands off in the swimming pool or remove stabilisers from the two wheeler is quite tricky and many err on the side of caution. Unfortunately many children are over protected these days... rarely getting the opportunity to explore in the ways that we did as children, and this has knock on effects on their independence and confidence - and ultimately their life opportunities.

Being a parent is such a challenge.... The balance between love, protection and letting go is perhaps the hardest of all. And it goes on - especially as they get older.

Nicki

It's completely your decision as his mum how to parent him, and 3 is very young to go on sleep overs with friends I agree.

But, you are living on your own with no dad on the scene. Your son sleeps in your bed every night and can't cope with sleeping in his own room. He resists going to nursery, though I know you are working hard with him on this. What would happen if you were taken seriously ill or were involved in a car accident and had to spend a few days or more in hospital. Would he not be more traumatized at being looked after by a friend or relative if it was the first time this had ever happened, if it were also when that friend or relative was worried about you (or even worse if you were too unwell for him to be allowed to visit you for a few days).

With no one else living in the house with you, in your shoes I personally would feel more comfortable if he were able to spend small amounts of time with a friend or relative without my being there. It doesn't have to be overnight but maybe just a couple of hours every now and then at a weekend. You might be very happy never to go out for an evening while he is young, and not to have overnight respite ever, but fostering a little confidence in him to be separated from you temporarily would surely be in his best interests in the event of an emergency ever arising?

MadDogWoman_2

Hi Moonbeam,

My DD is also 3 and has also never stayed anywhere other than with her parents overnight for the exact same reasons - she's too young and we like being together.

We did everything we wanted whilst having fertility treatment.

We even mark Valentines Day and our Wedding Anniversary as a family.

We also both work full time so want to spend our non working time with her.

MaximumImpact

Here's my twopenneths worth.....

It's personal choice....

Me, I couldn't deal with my 2 (DS1 is 2 and a half and DS2 is 10 months) all day every day and I like to have time out, my OH is the same. Call us selfish but quite frankly, it's our choice! My parents have my 2 overnight, once a month for some quality time and they have both been at nursery for 15hrs a week since they were 4 months old.

They are well balanced and look forward to their time at Nanna and Grandads as a Special Treat....

If you are happy with the way you do things and your child is happy and well balanced...tell your doubters to get knotted.....It's your child, not theirs and everyone parents differently....

laurenjs88

Ignore them, your relationship with baby moonbeam sounds great.

I'm at the other end of the spectrum, my girls 3 & 10 months go and stay at my parents as much as I can get them to take them! They are going in march for a friday - monday weekend and I cant blooming wait! They'll have a fab time, I can sleep for the entire weekend and it will all be back to normal by tuesday.

Both my girls have been staying away overnight(s) since they were weeks old especially DD1 as I was a single mum at the time.

I love my kids to death but also really enjoy having a few days away from them. They both do 9-5 twice a week at nursery and have done for ages now.
Whatever you feel comfortable with will be fine.

duchy

Why on earth would you send a three year old for sleepovers unless you wanted to ?

Most kids that small only stay elsewhere because their parents want to do something without them-If you have no desire to- then what's the problem?

I guess if it's your partner wanting the "adult time" it might be different and maybe you need to talk about it and perhaps reach a compromise-anyone else...... None of their business.

EDIT I think the only time I stayed anywhere without my parents until the age of ten was the night my brother was born -and my son was much the same. If we went out for the night when he was really small either my parents would come over and babysit-or he'd stay at theirs but we would "go home" to theirs after our night out.

As for Grandparents-I honestly think there is no reason why bonding can't happen during daytime (when the child is awake) and having a child to stay overnight is of benefit more to the adults not the children (Mum gets to go out-Granny gets a baby to stay and fuss over -and little kids are adorable to have over-night I get that but lets not pretend its benificial to have a child not sleeping in their own bed,.