Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

just worked out that without ex's maintainence im barely going to break even with finances feel like im over a barrell.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

mommyme wrote: »

I think in all honesty he'd keep her for hours/Over night without telling me if I dont let him drop her off early when he wants to just to pi$$ me off knowing i'd be going out of my mind. I dont know where he lives - not even which town it is so i couldnt go and get DD.

He said he had to drop her off today at 3:30 because he and his GF had "plans" but wouldnt say what they were (fair enough) but dont know why he couldnt take DD and drop her off at 5pm like normal as they took GF's DD.

You don't know where he lives? but he turns up drunk? And despite the fact he can't manage 6 whole hours, you're convinced he'll manage 24 just to teach you a lesson?

So there is a perceived risk of abduction?

You need a pit bull solicitor. And a phone ready to call 999 when he drives off intoxicated next time. And the time after that.

Proper contact agreements need to be put in place sooner rather than later. It might lead to him breaking off contact, it might make him angry, but if there is a particular order in place, he can't vary it. So he can't just keep her if he feels like it. Contempt of court is a serious matter.



Carry out a good spring clean of finances, so when he inevitably cuts off the money (for heaven's sake, never let yourself get in the situation where you are dependent upon him to feed yourselves - what if he kills himself driving drunk tonight?) you can shrug it off.

Get proper advice regarding money as well. The other boards are good at this.

Otherwise, you'll be permanently worrying about if he's going to turn up or not.

It probably wouldn't hurt to get a visit in to your GP as well, as you might benefit from some help there/will cover your bases if he makes allegations about your mental state regarding OCD and the like.

It sounds cruel (and it isn't meant to be) but if you constantly adopt a helpless attitude and dismiss everything as not going to work because it's him, then he will continue to run your life and probably at some point destroy your new relationship.

If you can't manage at first to do it yourself, then appoint a solicitor who can. 'I need to run it past my solicitor first' or 'you need to take that up with your solicitor when you see them', 'my solicitor says no' are very useful phrases when you aren't quite ready to face up to him and say 'Go take a running jump, you complete t*sspot and come back when you are sober and capable of caring for a child's needs more than those of your c*ck'.

If you enlist people to assist you and take action for yourself, then you are going to get further than passively expecting him to stop torturing you whilst frantically scrubbing the kitchen floor/washing hands until the fingers split/counting raindrops or whatever anxiety displacement activity your OCD causes you to employ.

Morty_007

mommyme wrote: »

I dont know where he lives - not even which town it is so i couldnt go and get DD.

Are you serious?! :eek: This is insane. So he could effectively take her and not bring her back and you wouldn't even know which part of the country to start looking for her in?? I'm sorry but seriously?!? You're happy to send her goodness knows where as long as she has a proper bed and "belongs"?!

I've read the whole thread with interest and I can see both sides of it. I get that you want her to feel like she belongs but if she has her air bed (which I see no problem with OP providing if she wants DD off the floor...) and a few toys which she keeps there then she has proportionate belongings there for the amount of time she spends. If they don't have space for a second permanent bed, they can't magic it, sorry

I hope it works out for your DD and PLEASE find out where she is being taken or STOP all visits!!!

flower24

I don't think the issue is the bed...my daughter sleeps on a mattress on our bedroom floor as if she sleeps in my sons room (we only have two bedrooms) she wakes him up as she has night terrors and screams and shouts.

The issue for me here is that the poor little girl will be thinking the other one is the favourite if she is sleeping in the fancy bed while she is sleeping on the floor.

delain

I have to say I wouldn't let my child go if I didn't know where they were going, that's madness! and you were worried about a bed?!

I've had so much trouble with my older 3's dad, drink etc and the courts and police take a very dim view of it.

DO NOT LET YOUR DAUGHTER GO THERE AGAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE THE ADDRESS AND DROPPED YOUR DAUGHTER OFF THERE YOURSELF AND SAW HER GO INTO THE HOUSE.

Jinx

mommyme wrote: »

I think in all honesty he'd keep her for hours/Over night without telling me if I dont let him drop her off early when he wants to just to pi$$ me off knowing i'd be going out of my mind. I dont know where he lives - not even which town it is so i couldnt go and get DD.

He said he had to drop her off today at 3:30 because he and his GF had "plans" but wouldnt say what they were (fair enough) but dont know why he couldnt take DD and drop her off at 5pm like normal as they took GF's DD.

If you dont know where your child is being taken - then you shouldnt allow her to go! :eek: My ex-husband tried this once only to discover no contact details = no contact. (and by that I mean, home phone number, mobile and full address).

flower24

Sorry hadn't read past the first couple of pages. My child would definitely not be going with him.

shellsuit

You don't know where he lives?! I wouldn't be letting my child go with him, regardless of whether he is her Father or not if I didn't know where she would be staying over night!

Sod the bed, get an address and go and check it out to make sure he isn't having you on. If he doesn't give you an address, he doesn't take the little one.

skylight

I have been reading the thread and adding my tuppence worth.

Don't let her go!

When it was just about a bed, I didn't have an issue with a fold-up or blow-up bed. We had to do this for exOH and SD when she visited as a youngster as a studio flat simply didn't have the room. But the issue where you don't know where she is going?? I don't allow the 16yo to stay out overnight if I don't have an address and I certainly wouldn't let the littlies out either!

As I said to 16yo when she kicked off about it, how stupid would the conversation go if you had to report her as missing? "I have no idea where she is, the town, part of town, or anything".

And don't run his life for him; you are not his personal secretary. If he is not there to pick DD up on time then you take her out, don't call him. He is exerting control over you through this. Don't let him.

And I like the solicitor/Pit Bull comment! If anyone knows where I can get one......

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sorry if this is full of spelling mistakes, am on mobile. Ex's GF will not allow me to know where she lives, ex agree's, says there's no need. I obviously know where his mum etc is and if I sent police then surly they'd go get DD?

Ex is refusing to speak to me now, I've asked him and his GF to come over to sort it but they've refused.

Generally don't rely on him for cash, had £800 savings but my car's gearbox dropped out today and my flipping tumble dryers died so I need to spend my savings which is leaving this month very tight. Without his maintainence we'll just break below even so will sort a budget out.

I've pointed out a fold up bed to ex this morning, he just shrugged his shoulders. I don't get why, even if there isn't space in the GF's DD's room, why can't they set my DD a bed up in another room, say for example, the living room?

Ex said he's stopping maintainence until DNA and that he's going to take me to court. He knows he's affecting my OCD and will probably use it against me but I've got logs of violence etc so he'll get as good as get.

Can I refuse access for not knowing where DD is? I have asked for the address countless times but always get told I don't need to know?

Sorry if I've missed some points, limited access on phone

Thank you for all your replies x