Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

LillythePink

Why should the OP sort something out for her ex?

He is an adult, a father and a step father so it's not as if he's a novice or a child himself.

In my opinion he should make provision for his daughter - no one is saying that the step daugter should give up her fancy bed to give to the younger one, but it is totally unreasonable for anyone to suggest that a 3 year old should be made to sleep on the floor on a regular basis - a blow up bed is not a proper solution either but as a stop gap it would be ok.

She has to be made to feel welcome and not an outsider - I have this with my dd and her dad's - ok, they share a room and bunk beds, but my dd has gone through a period of upset caused by her step witch. The worst thing for my dd is that she was made to get dressed/undressed in the hallway while the step sis went all cozy into the mum's room.

It wasn't fair and she knows this and it has built up resentment - this has been going on for a few years and not just now, it's just come to a head now - if we turned around and said tht she didn't have to go anymore, then she would be sooo happy!

If the father can welcome in the baggage that his gf/wife/fiance (or whatever she is) into the "family" then so should the step mother - no favouritism on either side - I know that it doesn't quite work out like this.

Stick to your guns OP - you only have your daughters best interests at heart and if it means that she doesn't see her dad unless he can properly accommodate her (or make her feel a bit more welcome than offering her the floor) then so be it.

Anyone who disagrees obviously has a very warped idea of where a child should sleep in her second home.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My ex got DD1 her own bed through Freecycle this year.

She was 18 in November.

Turns out that she has been sleeping on a mattress sourced from a skip, placed upon palettes and orange crates, for all these years.

and I dismissed her backache when returning from there as just having a different mattress. Sorry DD, it never crossed my mind that he would be that vindictive to do this when I said I couldn't afford to buy her a brand new bed to put in his house when she grew out of a cot.

HalfPint

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

My ex got DD1 her own bed through Freecycle this year.

She was 18 in November.

Turns out that she has been sleeping on a mattress sourced from a skip, placed upon palettes and orange crates, for all these years.

and I dismissed her backache when returning from there as just having a different mattress. Sorry DD, it never crossed my mind that he would be that vindictive to do this when I said I couldn't afford to buy her a brand new bed to put in his house when she grew out of a cot.

what a tight fisted nasty horrible person to do this to his own daughter...some people just aren't worth it

hpx

HalfPint

MrsE wrote: »

My DHs children have stayed at ours on blow up beds.
My DH has a blow up bed for himself he bought incase the weather (snow) stops him getting home (or makes it harder).
Wouldn't a blow up bed be ideal for a person who sleeps over a couple of times a month where space is an issue?

In the situation the op is in, no a blow up bed is not ideal. What is happening is that op's daughter is being made to feel like an outsider and inferior to the gf's daughter. That is a recipe for disaster.

MrsE wrote: »

It is the little girls room when all is said & done & she shouldn't have to have another permanent bed put in there. This little girl has her own special room & bed, the girlfriends little girl is entitled to the same.

no one is suggesting the gf's child gives up her room, she just needs to learn that she has to share it with her "sister" Think about the imbalance that will be created, the arguments it will cause. It is very unfair of the op's ex to treat the children differently.

HP x

twinkle1981_2

Its completely unfair to expect a 3 year old child to sleep on the floor while the step sister has their own bed. Kids are a lot more switched on than we give them credit for, the little one will more than likely pick up on the fact that the step sister is more highly thought of than she is. I can't believe the OPs ex would even begin to think this was a reasonable suggestion. There is no way I would have my wee one put in a position where they would feel second best. If the OPs ex cant even be bothered to sort out something as fundamental as a bed, then I wouldn't be letting him have access until he had sorted it.

I would also be concerned about other ways the OPs DD is being made to feel inferior to the step sister.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Ex promised me he had sorted something out so i told DD she was going to her dad's, Was only the day he was picking her up he admitted she was on the floor (and yes, I've asked countless times if he has a bed etc)

DD went with a ready bed and an extra blanket as I was told the covers on the ready bed arent suitable for winter. Not sure why DD had to have the ready bed, Ex admitted when he pick DD up that he had a single mattress at home but wouldnt use that (?!)

Ex is very good at saying things out of earshot or changing his story to make me look bad and because im the firery one people dont believe me when i say he's going this or that.

Luckily for me, We was driving home yesterday when this conversation was happening through text, and no it wasnt me who was texting back, was OH (ex didnt know this) as i was driving, so when ex turned up and tried to make out I had said XX and YY and ZZ and he'd said A,B and C it backfired because it wasnt actually me he was texting (:rotfl:)

I've texted him this morning to see how DD is and he hasnt replied. I didnt think he would tbh.

I know this is very wrong but i'd love for him to just hurry up and get bored and disappear. I have a feeling it will happen eventually.

I think Ex would of played up with the ready bed and made it out to be the best thing since sliced bread so DD didnt ask to come home, but again, Why, if he has a mattress, should DD have to sleep in one of those things?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

on a side note, Ex doesnt have a car, he's using company van, the insurance is for work only and not personal use so i gather that when he picks DD up he isnt insured. GF picked DD up yesterday so will see who drops her off today

Teenie_D

MrsE wrote: »

Why is it relevant what the girlfriends DD has?
She lives there full time, its her home.
She quite possibly had the bed before her mum even started living with the OPs ex.
I don't think a child who is visiting needs a permanent bed, it just may not be practical with space.
I'm surprised they don't top & tail the girls.
A blow up bed (in the girlfriends DDs room) sounds good & ideal as she can't hurt herself if she falls out.

And I wasn't suggesting that she should rid of it! Yes it is her home and she should have the sort of bed she wants, it is however unfair how she should have such a bed and the wee one is expected to sleep on the floor (at the time I posted it wasn't even a blow up or mattress just the floor!).

If the father wants his daughter to be part of his new family then surely at the very least he can provide her somewhere comfortable to sleep!

gravitytolls

I thought the bed's with th eslide had space beneath ~ at least enough for a blow up bed.

As for the relevence of the slide bed, it may not be when you're feeling rational, but when you're fuming because your beautiful, gorgeous, most precious daughter is being not only sidelined, but treated with less thought than some dogs, everything from the bed to the shade of carpet feels like a kick in the teeth.

It feels as if the new GF is saying 'my child is not only more important than yours, yours has no relevence in our lives', and it feels as if the father is agreeing with her.

I guess the OP has tuned into lioness mode, and is protecting her baby, whether it be through arguing over sleeping options or simply having her child feel valued, which I don't think is much to expect from your own father.

Teenie_D

gravitytolls wrote: »

I
As for the relevence of the slide bed, it may not be when you're feeling rational, but when you're fuming because your beautiful, gorgeous, most precious daughter is being not only sidelined, but treated with less thought than some dogs, everything from the bed to the shade of carpet feels like a kick in the teeth.

It feels as if the new GF is saying 'my child is not only more important than yours, yours has no relevence in our lives', and it feels as if the father is agreeing with her.

I guess the OP has tuned into lioness mode, and is protecting her baby, whether it be through arguing over sleeping options or simply having her child feel valued, which I don't think is much to expect from your own father.

That's exactly what I meant, you just put it better than me :D