Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

sp1987

Sleeping on the floor can be fun if it is an adventure everyone is participating in but it isn't if it is you stuck on the floor with everyone else having proper facilities. Maybe both girls could 'camp' on the floor together, both with blow up beds. No getting rid of the bed for the other little girl, and no unfairness to the daughter. I remember sleepovers where I would happily sleep on the floor with other kids, but you never had a situation where somebody was in the bed and someone else on the floor. Everyone needs to be treated equally and dad should be the one ensuring this is the case as the little girl should be his princess who he can't do enough for. It shouldn't really require him being told.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

MrsE wrote: »

The two step sons slept on the bedroom floor of her son, so yes & yes.

I really don't see the problem here, if this child were to stay at her cousins or grandparents sometimes & had to bunk down no one would say a thing. When people camp they sleep in bags on the floor. Many many cultures sleep in sleeping bag type arrangements on the floor & as for the person who came out with this tosh............



For gods sake how OTT:eek:

When DD stops at her granparents she has her own bed - Ex's side dont have her, DD sometimes stays at my parents who have 2 double beds for when people stay over so not an issue there.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I find it quite unreasonable that people seem to think she should have a proper bed for only a few nights a month, maybe if the father had more access it would be acceptable but otherwise a fold down bed would be suitable.

I'd be interested to see what a court would say on this, I'd be surprised if they didn't allow overnight access without a proper bed though. Would he actually go to court if you denied him overnight access?

He isnt getting more access because of how he is behaving right now.

I have no problem with a fold down bed - it was me who suggested it - its ex who wont get DD one.

sp1987 wrote: »

Sleeping on the floor can be fun if it is an adventure everyone is participating in but it isn't if it is you stuck on the floor with everyone else having proper facilities. Maybe both girls could 'camp' on the floor together, both with blow up beds. No getting rid of the bed for the other little girl, and no unfairness to the daughter. I remember sleepovers where I would happily sleep on the floor with other kids, but you never had a situation where somebody was in the bed and someone else on the floor. Everyone needs to be treated equally and dad should be the one ensuring this is the case as the little girl should be his princess who he can't do enough for. It shouldn't really require him being told.

GF wont allow her DD to sleep on the floor and to be honest if I suggest it I will get my head bitten off and they'll twist it into me being controlling. (they did this the other day when i suggested the fold down bed)

Little upate for you.

DD came home yesterday at 1pm as agreed. She was going back to Exs today (he normally has her on a sunday 9-5 so not a irregular thing)
9am came, DD was up, dressed, ready, with coat on waiting on her dad. He didnt show. I texted him just after 9 and put "your late" Ex rang, apprently his 3 alarms didnt go off (!) and he'd be here when he's ready. Turns up at 10am (so an hour late) and said he was dropping her off at 3:30pm - Asked why he wasnt having her till 5pm like we had arranged and he simply said "i've got more important things to be doing" so I asked why he had made plans when he knew he had DD and he said "i've not made plans, im just busy!" and stormed off with DD, So i guess she's coming home early then.

Normally I'm having to text him the night before he's picking her up to check he's coming over.

I've got a blackberry so have added all dates he's meant to have her and sent it to him as an "invite" so it will go into his calender. Not chasing him any more because its winding me up more than its worth.

Am going to look on ebay and find some fold down beds and send him the link, if DD is still on floor then i'll stop over ngihts.

balletshoes

I really hope you're logging all of this too, all the times he's late picking up, early/late dropping off, what he's given as excuses etc. My brother has a diary he uses just for this, comes in very handy for his solicitor in family court.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I've started to. At the moment its on a scrap of paper but going to get a proper book, Told Ex im doing it as well but he doesnt seem bothered

ellissa

Hi OP, hello everyone - warning long post!!!

I've been reading this thread with interest. I am sorry that this is causing you and your daughter so much stress OP. I hope that you manage to work things out with ex and gf to come to a suitable compromise. I'm a stepmum (albeit not an evil one!) but I don't have any other children other than my stepdaughters and I myself was never a step-child so my perspective is limited. You have perspectives from all sorts of angles here so I thought I'd add mine... ignore if you wish!

My DH has 2 daughters, by 2 different mothers. We won't go into details!!! I accept both DSDs as part of our family and adore them. Ex1 (DSD1s mother) was married to my DH. At her admission, her purpose in life is to make DH life hell. Ex2 (DSD2s mother) were never married. We get on like a house on fire and the relationship works as we only wish it could with Ex1.

When DH and I first lived together, I was a full time (mature) student at uni and we lived in a shared house with 4 other mature students. It was never a rowdy student house as we were not that sort of people! Our room was tiny and we had one double bed and the tiniest space on the floor. When DSD's stayed they had our double bed and DH slept in a sitting position on the floor - I slept in the shared lounge. Ex2 appreciated that needs must and this was all we could afford until I graduated, she saw the bigger picture and agreed that the most important thing was DD was safe and seeing her father and we literally only slept there. We spent the rest of our weekends out with the kids. Ex1 was livid that the 3 of them slept in one room, removed access until we had alternative arrangements. She had actually withdrawn access for many years before this and created a web of lies to accuse my DH of all sorts all of which were proved false by cctv and witnesses. DSD1 was 6ish and DSD2 was 2ish at this point.

So the kids always come first so we did our best to find suitable accommodation. The only thing we could afford (I say afford, we couldn't) was a damp horrid 1 bed flat that had been divided into a 2 bed with a makeshift wall and was on the groundfloor below 2 drunks. We went from £200 pm inc bills to £400 pm without bills. We were broke and could no longer do so much with the kids or buy them as nice bday/christmas pressies but we realised that seeing them and making our own fun was most important. The flat was damp and in our opinion worse for the kids but Ex1 insisted that in the shared house DH was putting me first as he was supporting me thru uni and neglecting his child (no concept of short term problem for long term gain!). So we moved, kids had our bed when they stayed, I had a foldy up tiny kids matress bed thing in the 2nd room and DH had sofa.

Cue ex2 saying DD2 was unhappy because of noise from upstiars and she was concerned about damp -we were too. Ex1 happy as larry... until she kicked off that they still didnt have separate beds so we changed arrangments again. BUT Ex1 didnt want DD staying with either me or DH in a room so DSD2 had single foldy bed, DH and DSD1 had our bed and I had sofa.

Fast forward a few years and we now own our own home with 3 bedrooms. Actually in reality I pay the mortgage cos DH wages dont cover anything and I earn a reasonable amount. Ex1 still hates me, funnily enough she can't see that I now am the main breadwinner and I am the one that does most of the providing for DSDs!

Anyway, DSDs could in theory have a room each as we have 3 bedrooms but we chose to get them to share because we didnt want to have to take a room away from one of them when we have a baby. We got DSDs to choose a bed, bunks or double - they chose double as DSD2 was worried about her sis falling off top bunk!!! Cue Ex1 unhappy as they are sharing a room.

Sorry for long post but what I'm trying to highlight is that whatever we do Ex1 will kick off. She's kicked off cos they are sharing, if we had done the opposite and then 'taken a room away' when baby comes along then that would have been wrong too. I'm not suggesting OP that you are finding fault but our situation highlights that sometimes there are just no other options. We could not have had a permanent bed for DSDs in the early stages of us living together and if we have more than one child, goodness knows how we will manage but we will.

OP, you make a few references to wanting Ex to 'disappear' or get bored. Please be careful with this. In all other aspects you claim to want the best for your DD but really, would it be in her best interests to be without a father? Plus, in reality if he did leave, would you not then slag him off for it? Be careful what you wish for when you are angry. I'm not having a go, just trying to give an alternative perspective. For us Ex1 is a nightmare but I would never, ever speak badly of her infront of DSD1, nor would I wish anything bad on her because she is DSD1s mother and she loves her.

OP I feel for you, as I'm not a birth mum yet I cannot comment on what it must be like to feel somebody is mistreating your DD but if anyone is to ever upset my DSDs.... cor blimey I'd go nuts (unless it was their mothers doing the upsetting in which case it's not my business and DH deals with it!)

Good luck, please keep perspective, always take the moral high ground and (as you already are) always put DD first.
Keep us posted
Ellissa

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

TY Ellissa for your points. I wont ignore them, its just a different situation. Ex says he doesnt have the room for a bed, but I havent suggested a proper bed, I suggested a fold up one. They wont let GF's DD sleep on floor but are happy for my DD to stay on the floor. ATM it would be better if ex got lost. He is unreliable and turned up intoxicated in an ininsured vehicle with no car seat and didnt see the problem in taking DD. He constantly causes aggro every single week then makes out its all me. DD doesnt like the arguing, she knows theres tension. He will get bored eventually, i'd rather he went now whilst shes too young to remember than do it when shes older.

He dropped her off today at 3:30pm (hes meant to have her till 5pm) and has decided he now wants a DNA test (even though he was the one who cheated in our relationship) I've just had enough of it all. Its a different thing every week. GF doesnt help matters by sitting outside smirking at us from the car and saying things to cause arguments.

Getting that bad that im thinking of moving, I wouldnt of considered it before but because of stress from ex i'm weighing up pros and cons. He knows I suffer from OCD and its getting worse because of all the arguing. Sometimes think he does it on purpose.

Ex can afford to buy DD a fold up bed, he just chooses not to. He's told me he's stopping maintainence (i'd not chase him for it providing he didnt demand contact) I personally dont mind DD sharing a bed with GF's DD but why should mine have the floor? Ex took DD to GF's marents house earlier and didnt interact with DD, I mentioned to him that DD goes to see her dad, not to be shoved into a room with GF's DD, Ex then kicked off saying I shouldnt take DD to OH's family (we dont generally, we went to a family wedding) he didnt understand that I get 6 days a week with DD so we have "our" time and he only gets 6 hours so should make most of it instead of dumoing her on people.

Have a huge headache now

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If you aren't there until ten minutes before DD is due back, he wouldn't be able to drop her off early...

I only did that twice to the ex before he started contacting me in advance. Then when he got replies such as 'I'm not there. I'll be back at xx time, just like you wanted', he started bringing her back exactly when had been arranged.


Other than that, the maintenance issue is covered by the CSA, it's entirely separate to contact so he could stop seeing her and still meet his responsibilities. You can smile sweetly and say 'OK then', knowing he will end up having to pay even if he can't be bothered to see her. they'll make him take a DNA test if he disputes it, and they aren't very tolerant of those who have lied.

The contact side - well, being drunk and trying to take his daughter is just making him unfit to call himself a father. I'd refuse to let her go, let him drive off in a huff and then call 999, give them his reg no, his address and where he is likely to be heading to.

Then continue to call the police every time after that he isn't completely straight either trying to collect or drop her off. It's a good addition to the proper record you will be making of his various threats, especially if it turns out he has earned himself drink driving convictions over the period.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Where would I stand if he didnt bring her back till later though? (for example, we agree 5pm, he tells me he is bringing her back at 3:30, if i tell him in not there until 5pm so 3:30 isnt any good and he doesnt turn up till 6pm)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What's worse in your opinion, someone coming back a bit later (but not long as they have already been prevented from dumping her earlier than planned) or you never leaving the house because he can't get rid of her fast enough?

It is your choice. But if he's not wanting to look after her for as long as already agreed, I doubt he would actually look after her for even longer than he wanted to, just to spite you. Might do it a couple of times, hoping you'd crumble and wait in all day for him, but I personally don't believe that it would last for long.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I think in all honesty he'd keep her for hours/Over night without telling me if I dont let him drop her off early when he wants to just to pi$$ me off knowing i'd be going out of my mind. I dont know where he lives - not even which town it is so i couldnt go and get DD.

He said he had to drop her off today at 3:30 because he and his GF had "plans" but wouldnt say what they were (fair enough) but dont know why he couldnt take DD and drop her off at 5pm like normal as they took GF's DD.