Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Think he would as he knows DD would kick off if I didn't let her go (hence, send her to mums)

How does it stand if he's taking her out for day/weekend - would I be allowed to ask where they are going or just trust him?

Will reply tomorrow as dIfficult on mobile x

Bloomin_Freezing2

Just repeating everyone else...DO NOT let her go if you don't know where she will be. It's all very well saying you know where his parents are (which could point you to him), but what if (hope not) something happens to you, and his parents can't be contacted? There is no excuse he can give which will make it OK for you to not know where she will be.

You said you work, are your wages very good? (you don't have to answer that) Does your partner live with you? If income isn't great you may get legal aid if it went to court, but i'm wondering why does he want court if on the other hand he wants a DNA test?! Does he currently pay via the csa? If he already does that means he has accepted parental responsiblity (parent or not) so he can't just change his mind like thatand expect them to go along with it. The csa could provide the dna test (although may not if he has accepted parental responsibility by paying already), but if it said he was the father he would then be charged for the test.

Does he realise how much this could all cost him? A Bl0ody camp bed would be so much cheaper!

bestpud

I don't see a problem with the bed issue tbh - he will probably sort something but it's not going to hurt her to sleep on an air bed for the time being. Geez, how do children cope when they go camping?

I don't believe a three year old will think much of it either, unless someone makes an issue of it and puts ideas in her head. Sadly, many parents unwittingly project their feelings onto their children in situations like this and it becomes more about the adults.

But, all that said, I would not be letting her go if I didn't have an address. That's out of order, unless you have been threatening in some way...?

I'm assuming you haven't threatened his new partner, so she has no reason to hide the address.

I'd stop her going until I was given it, personally, as I wouldn't cope with not even knowing what town she is in.

clearingout

Since last time I was here this thread has escalated into something else. Mommyme - you need, frankly, to get a grip on the situation (and I mean that in the nicest possible way). My observations:
1. Bed is the least of your worries.
2. You do need the address. There is action that can be taken in court to get the address if he wont' give it to you. As long as he has no evidence of harassment (or his girlfriend), you can get the address that way (I take it you don't call them 15 times a night, every night?!). A polite solicitor's letter will probably do the trick.
3. If he does keep her overnight against 'normal' contact, the Police won't do anything so it's a bit of a nisnomer saying 'imagine calling the Police and not being able to tell them where she is'. As long as a child is with a parent and you, as the other parent, are unable to say that the child is somehow 'at risk' continuing in his care overnight (hard to imagine when this might be possible), the Police will refer you to the courts.
4. No court will award one parent every weekend contact unless it somehow makes sense with working patterns (rarely). Don't worry about this. You will be able to go on holiday - he can make it difficult, yes, but there is such a thing as a Specific Issues Order which can be applied for in court. Once he's had a roasting from a judge for time wasting, he won't try to stop you going on holiday again.
5. Don't make the mistake of linking contact and maintenance - they are dealt with separately. You won't do yourself any favours in court if you even hint at him not paying maintenance and less access in the same breath (I know this is not what you're saying). Children are not 'pay per view'
6. DNA testing - is maintenance already with the CSA? If so, too late where they are concerned. He'll need a court order unless you agree to it. It'll cost him. He won't bother. Ignore this - it's an attempt by him to get you flustered and upset (and is working). If he's not already paying via the CSA, the minute he stops paying, warn him. Give him a week to come round and if he doesn't, go to the CSA. The CSA do not backdate so if you wait months, you'll lose months of maintenance.
7. Agree - simply don't be at home at 3:30pm if he says he's coming then when previously it was 5pm. You too have a life - he's trying to restrict it. Don't let him. To be 'successful' at this game, you do need to get pick up times and drop offs in writing - solicitor will help with that. Obviously, it is reasonable that sometimes he might need to vary the time for good reasons (like they are having a major day out and won't be leaving Legoland until it closes so won't get home until 9pm, that kind of thing, but other than that, it's reasonable he brings her back at the same time, every time.).

In a nutshell, sometimes you can't keep these things out of court if you want to keep your sanity. The man is walking all over you and you're letting him. Sometimes, with this kind of personality trait, it's important to let him have the upper hand and 'win'. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with a whole heap of carp for the sake of your daughter. And don't count on him getting bored and going away - he won't. He'll be in and out your lives constantly. You will need to manage that as best you can - you're not responsible for his relationship with your daughther, he can mess that up himself. Just do your best to be consistent and it will be fine.

Penny-Pincher!!

mommyme wrote: »

I dont know where he lives - not even which town it is so i couldnt go and get DD.
.

!!!!!!.....why didnt you say that in the first place? No address or proper conctcat deatils.....no child! If there was an accident etc, what would you do?

Stuff the bed issue....the above is more important!!

Address and contact details are priority....why didn't you insist?

PP
xx

skylight

clearingout wrote: »

And don't count on him getting bored and going away - he won't. He'll be in and out your lives constantly. You will need to manage that as best you can - you're not responsible for his relationship with your daughther, he can mess that up himself. Just do your best to be consistent and it will be fine.

Best bit of general advice so far. Deal with it all; it's not going to go away.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sorry haven't been around much

Penny-Pincher!! wrote: »

why didn't you insist?

I asked a few times - He always said I had no right to know

At work at the moment, ringing a solicitor later today. Ex hasn't contacted me since the weekend (which is strange as he normally texts all the fricking time)

Will keep you updated.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

*Update*

I asked ex yesterday if he is seeing DD this weekend. got a "are you going to stop being a b****" so I left it. Tried again today he replied that he would like to see DD. I asked if he was seeing her at my house or if he was giong to give me an address, he replied

"I'll get you (GF's) address and my mums if u want"

I replied that I already knew his mums address and asked why he didnt know (GF's) address as he lives there and he put

"I do but forgot the postcode"

So then asked if he could tell me address (without postcode - can royal mail that!) but he hasnt replied.

RAS

mommyme wrote: »

*Update*

I asked ex yesterday if he is seeing DD this weekend. got a "are you going to stop being a b****" so I left it. Tried again today he replied that he would like to see DD..

Stop bl****dy ringing him.

What are you doing, letting him think you are running after him the whole time?

if he want to see DD, he makes the arrangments.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

didnt officially ring him - texted him (DD was asking for him yesterday)