Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

piratefairy

i actually can't believe that anyone would let their 3yr old be anywhere, ever, without knowing where they were, who they were with and how long for.

i really don't think that the bed problem is the main issue here. did you manage to contact a solicitor about this, at least a professional pov may help here.

i may have missed osmething in the posts, but i thought he wasn't wanting to see daughter until a dna test?!
sorry if i missed something :S

and i agree with the post above, he is an adult. he is responsible for arranging what he is doing, you shouldn't have to keep calling, texting or chasing him. make an arrangement (when you have this address issue sorted!) and stick to it, don't let him mess you around with times and not showing up.

that said, if it were me, and someone had turned up drunk to drive their child anywhere, they certainly wouldn't have gone, would have been reported to the police for drink driving, and wouldn't be seeing the child again until a solicitor had been contacted.

skylight

You're the parent here. DD is 3. Asking for Daddy does not mean you text/call him every few minutes because she wants you to. Just say no to her (and to your EX), tell your DD quietly and nicely that she cannot speak to Daddy ATM but will see him later and then ignore it. She is 3 and has no real sense of time yet anyway so "later" means nothing to her. You have to stop doing all the chasing; it makes you sound desperate and you are not. You are a strong woman who will get through all this, but you have to stop certain behaviour.

Did you ring a solicitor? Get your free half-hours advice with them and take it from there. And whatever address he gives you, check it out that its real! Use 192.com as long as you know the GFs full name and see what comes up there. Worst case scenario is you will have to do a reccy to the address (go with a friend in their car) and stay well out of the way.

Things will get better, I promise. It just doesn't seem like that right now.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Didnt really think it was an issue (bit naive) in the fact that she was with her dad and every time I ask i was told it wasnt necessary. Dont think he would ever try and take her (cant cope with her)

He originally said he didnt want to see her, then he said he did so I did the "no address = No DD" route and he never replied.

DD's been bugging me to see if her dad's coming, didnt know what to tell her so thought i'd ask him (I think he was shocked as my partner told him to get out of our house when he last visited DD as ex was laying into me so didnt think ex would be in touch because of that)

Couldnt prove the drink driving, he was gone long before i had chance to get them and was going to end up my word against his (he would of denied driving)

Edit: at solicitors friday

Caroline73_2

mommyme wrote: »

Didnt really think it was an issue (bit naive) in the fact that she was with her dad and every time I ask i was told it wasnt necessary. Dont think he would ever try and take her (cant cope with her)

He originally said he didnt want to see her, then he said he did so I did the "no address = No DD" route and he never replied.

DD's been bugging me to see if her dad's coming, didnt know what to tell her so thought i'd ask him (I think he was shocked as my partner told him to get out of our house when he last visited DD as ex was laying into me so didnt think ex would be in touch because of that)

Couldnt prove the drink driving, he was gone long before i had chance to get them and was going to end up my word against his (he would of denied driving)

Edit: at solicitors friday

You say - "Daddy is due to see you at the weekend." (if that is what has been agreed previously) Show her a calendar and let her mark down days until the weekend. If he doesn't show up then you say "I'm sorry Daddy has let you down, let's do X instead and we can have fun"

If he is unreliable then you HAVE to let her know in a factual way but stop chasing him, it is not your job. In the long run you are doing her no favours by harrassing him to see her. He knows the access times, let him decide if he wants them or not.

Morty_007

I think the advice to stop chasing Daddy is all very well but this is a childs life we are talking about, and a Mother who's heart is probably breaking seeing the child needing her Daddy so badly. DD doesn't know what Daddy did. I don't think 3 is the right age to tar daddy with the unreliable brush to be honest. Thats not fair on the child either because as much as she doesn't understand time, she doesn't understand why Daddy isn't turning up either and "because he is unreliable" means nothing to a child.

If the OP starts playing off against Daddy at this early stage then by the time DD is old enough to understand, what she will understand is that she wanted Daddy and Mummy would never call him for her. I think the OP is right to contact Daddy and ask him why the hell he is doing this to DD. Make him responsible for his actions, or lack of. Leaving it to him to arrange contact removes any sort of impetus to get off his backside and see his daughter because he doesn't have that constant guilt nagging at him. At this age DD needs an advocate. If OP is chasing him and he still doesn't respond or see DD that then is HIS problem and OP can, hand on heart know she did everything she possibly could to make things OK for DD.

Most importantly, never EVER bad mouth him to her OP. Let her make up her own mind. Once she gets to an age where she is old enough to decide he is an idiot, she will do so with no help from you. If you tell her before she is ready to hear it, or to decide for herself, she will probably hate you for being bitter about her Daddy, whatever sort of a t**t he is.

piratefairy

Morty_007 wrote: »

Most importantly, never EVER bad mouth him to her OP. Let her make up her own mind. Once she gets to an age where she is old enough to decide he is an idiot, she will do so with no help from you. If you tell her before she is ready to hear it, or to decide for herself, she will probably hate you for being bitter about her Daddy, whatever sort of a t**t he is.

Completely and utterly agree with this!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

No - I dont slate him infront of DD

Well I know Ex would like to see DD but he hasnt supplied an address, to be honest I havent spoken to him since other day so dont know whats happening for this weekend. He's meant to be here at 9am sunday. I am assuming I am getting a text on Saturday night to tell me he is coming but that kind of stumps my plans for the weekend.

So, Do I text him to see if he's coming? Wait to see if he turns up? Arrange plans? tell him to bog off when he texts late sat night to tell me he's having DD? (Bear in mind, he wont be taking DD as he refuses to give me the address)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Make other plans and be somewhere else all weekend, then - he hasn't given you any indication and you can't be expected to sit by the phone like a lovesick teen waiting for his instructions.

And why phone him because your 3 year old wanted you to? Are you teaching her that she can order you around as well?

'I have phoned him, and as soon as he can come, he will. But not yet' or even 'I called him yesterday. I'll call him again tomorrow to see if he can come'

I've seen kids allowed to start this that harass their mums eighteen hours a day for constant calls - and then when the violent scumbags (in my experience) decide they are moving back in, the kids decide it, not the mum. Not saying that's going to happen to you, but when a woman can be browbeaten by tiny children to do what the ex wants, they have to start somewhere.


You're in charge of yourself and your daughter - at the moment your ex is in charge of everyone.

Which you don't want anymore - and you have to step up and make sure you get the leading role, not someone under 3 foot tall.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I know he wants to see DD and I know she wants to see her dad, were out most of tomorrow anyway, like I said, half expecting a text tomorrow night. We said we might go swimming on sunday (when ex is meant to have DD) do u think I should wait till say 12pm tomorrow and then say "we've made plan" or do it as of now?

Emmzi

say to whom? There is no need to contact your ex at all. who do you need to tell? Just make your plans and get on with it.