Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

Penny-Pincher!!

mommyme wrote: »

Highlighted a few (easier for me to quote lol)

I was thinking along the lines of - If he is broke, how is he going to pay my maintaintence lol

I've been very good and not texted him :T Last we spoke was when I said he'd left it too late to let me know arrangements for last sunday

I expected him to sort out this weekend but he hasnt as of yet

Going to give it till Thursday evening and if I've not heard anything then I'll make plans (DD has a party invite for the Sunday that Ex is unaware of yet as he hasnt asked about contact)

Thanks for keeping us updated! Keep your chin up and stay strong which I know is easier said than done.

We just beg you to get proper contact details before your DD stays there again PLEASE!! You could offer to drop her off, or if its going to be a regular thing, get a contract drawn up with a solicitor and you will need their address to send it to:D

PP
xx

jellyhead

I'm going against the general opinion here, I realise, but I actually think you could have handled last Sunday a little differently. If I were the child and I met my Dad when I was older and he showed me a text message sent before bedtime on a Saturday, then my mum's reply saying it was too late to arrange Sunday access, giving him no chance to have me after swimming I would not be impressed.

He made contact before bed on the Saturday, it's not as if he called and asked to have her in 5 minutes time. Although I agree with what others have said about you doing all the running and too much texting I do think you could have added a bit more information in yours, such as 'We have made plans but you can have her after lunch (or pick her up at 11 from the pool) if you want to.

I think it would be fair to finalise an agreement about every Sunday or whatever, give him a chance to stick to the agreement, but then if he doesn't stick to it you need to stand up to him.

You could offer him Saturday access this week, or a couple of hours which don't interfere with the party - BUT only if you are satisfied that he's not lying about his address.

I hope I don't sound like I'm having a go at you, I'm honestly not. It's a difficult situation for you, and I hope this thread helps you through it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Still go to the solicitor. His text - which I presume is the first civil word he has said to you in a very long time? - has only come once he realised that you were seeking assistance from someone who could see through all his bullying BS. It's not your problem if he can't afford to pay - he afforded the drink to get drunk before driving down to pick her up, didn't he? He can afford to go out with his GF and her child. If he's really on that low an income, he will get legal aid. If not, he can afford it (or represent himself).

He's trying to charm you round now shouting at you isn't working. As soon as the solicitor 'threat' is gone (in his eyes), he'll be back to normal.

So see the pit bull.

(and jellyhead, you do realise this is regarding a 3 year old, don't you? She's not going to be in a position to read text messages for a very long time yet- not withstanding the drunk driving, the lack of a bed and the fact she could be taken anywhere without an address. I also presume that you don't drop everything at a moment's notice and abandon your plans - most of us know what we are doing, especially with children - with slightly more than 24 hours' notice - that's why birthday invites are sent out more than a day before, for example. I appreciate you are not being unpleasant to the OP, but you are disagreeing with the 'norm' of the posts because - I believe - you are wrong in this case )

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

jellyhead wrote: »

I'm going against the general opinion here, I realise, but I actually think you could have handled last Sunday a little differently. If I were the child and I met my Dad when I was older and he showed me a text message sent before bedtime on a Saturday, then my mum's reply saying it was too late to arrange Sunday access, giving him no chance to have me after swimming I would not be impressed.

He made contact before bed on the Saturday, it's not as if he called and asked to have her in 5 minutes time. Although I agree with what others have said about you doing all the running and too much texting I do think you could have added a bit more information in yours, such as 'We have made plans but you can have her after lunch (or pick her up at 11 from the pool) if you want to.

I think it would be fair to finalise an agreement about every Sunday or whatever, give him a chance to stick to the agreement, but then if he doesn't stick to it you need to stand up to him.

You could offer him Saturday access this week, or a couple of hours which don't interfere with the party - BUT only if you are satisfied that he's not lying about his address.

I hope I don't sound like I'm having a go at you, I'm honestly not. It's a difficult situation for you, and I hope this thread helps you through it.

Sorry I thought I put it in my reply - I told him he could see her at 2pm - 4pm but he said he had made plans with his GF then.

I know your not having a go I'm in two minds whether to text him about Sunday but then its me chasing again so either way, im stuck

damned if i do, damned if i dont

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

.

(and jellyhead, you do realise this is regarding a 3 year old, don't you? She's not going to be in a position to read text messages for a very long time yet- not withstanding the drunk driving, the lack of a bed and the fact she could be taken anywhere without an address. I also presume that you don't drop everything at a moment's notice and abandon your plans - most of us know what we are doing, especially with children - with slightly more than 24 hours' notice - that's why birthday invites are sent out more than a day before, for example. I appreciate you are not being unpleasant to the OP, but you are disagreeing with the 'norm' of the posts because - I believe - you are wrong in this case )

To be fair to jellyhead, in past experiences i would of let him have DD, When he used to have DD over night me and OH would arrange plans, now we arent sure if he's having DD we include her in her plans. DD also has a problem going to the toilet (not related to me and ex breaking up, shes always not gone) so we introduced a star chart. I've told her if she has no accidents in the week then we can do something special as a treat. I gave her the choice of a play centre or swimming, she's chose swimming and the only day i could take her is Saturday (dads/party on sunday)

I can see it from both points of view but as others have mentioned, I shouldnt chase.

Morty_007

Doing great OP. Stay strong, stay in control. Agree that you need to be able to make plans and it's quite reasonable to expect to be able to do that. It's not like you are making arrangements 4 days before!

Do still see the solicitor, totally agree that he is probably trying the nice approach because he knows you are seeing one. Who knows, maybe it might bring out the best in him For that reason alone, don't cancel the appointment! You need his address too, and a solicitor may halp with that.

Hope you have a lovely weekend with your DD xx
(sorry i'm not very eloquent tonight, desperately tired!!)

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Ex has rang. He cant afford maintainence so is "going to the bank to sort it" I dont know if that means he isnt paying at all or if he's just reducing it. I asked - He said "i'll sort it"

Now - He does pay over the odds on maintainence. He's been paying £350 to me a month and putting £40 in an account a month for DD (I put same amount in also)

He is on a good wage but its all classed as "over time" he's officially on 18,000 a year, but actually earns £25,000 (and always has) When we broke up he said he would give me £200 a month maintainence and pay half to DD's out of school and added activites in school - She does Yoga, Tennis, and french at school (well day care - its payable lessons) and does Gymnastics, Dance and piano lessons (and now swimming!) outside of school. He's now saying that he needs to give his GF £XX, Debts are £xx, Bank loan is £xx, which leaves him £XX to go out (drinking) and then that leaves him £xx a month to live on and he ends up giving me £350. (for the record, he doesnt pay anything for work - they pay his petrol, car tax/insurance and they make him dinner so he doesnt have "pack up" to buy) I cant afford DD's extras so she'll be stopping them (which is a shame but they arent necessary)

He said he cant afford for me to go to court (not my problem) and asked why i was going and if i could wait. Said i just needed to sort a few things out to ensure DD's care.

Not once did he ask about DD or how she was or if he was picking her up this weekend (and i didnt ask - wanted to see if he was bothered)

He slipped up and said he's going to Butlins in March for a lads holiday (that'll be nice - spending DD's maintainence on beer)

He found out a few personal things and asked me about them but i refused to comment.

He told me his wages had dropped from 18,000 to £16,000 which i dont believe.

Anyway - no point to this post, more of a rant as i dont want to tell OH any of this.

Ohh . . . and apprently I've been "flashing cash" - I've been and brought a new car (I say me - My dad brought it, I have to pay him back) so ex says i cant need maintainence that much. OH said other week he'd do this and said that OH would pay for DD and to tell ex to go do one.

grrrrr

Off to bed, up early tomorrow and may kill someone

Night x

jellyhead

mommyme wrote: »

Sorry I thought I put it in my reply - I told him he could see her at 2pm - 4pm but he said he had made plans with his GF then.

I know your not having a go I'm in two minds whether to text him about Sunday but then its me chasing again so either way, im stuck

damned if i do, damned if i dont

Sorry, I didn't notice that bit. As jojo said, I'm probably wrong on that one anyway. And he hasn't given you an address anyhow. The star chart thing makes sense

His problems with maintenance aren't your problem. The CSA would probably ask him for less actual maintenance, perhaps someone on here will know how they would calculate it. There's no reason for him to mention going to the bank though - is he trying to make you feel guilty? Don't let him - you are providing enough for your daughter, it won't harm him to contribute. It doesn't matter if you are well-off, or even flashing the cash, he should still do his bit. I am speaking from bitterness though, my dad didn't pay for us 4, and my eldest's dad has never paid.

If he does give you an address, can you check the electoral roll to see if he lives there? If he moved in too recently to be on there, then at least his girlfriend's name should be on there.

If you are satisfied with the address then it's up to you if you offer him a bit of access this weekend, but don't let my post make you feel as if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. He hasn't given you an address yet anyway.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Doesn't sound like he's skint to me.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Doesn't sound like he's skint to me.

Thats exactly what i thought :rotfl: