Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

balletshoes

mommyme wrote: »

Ex has rang. He cant afford maintainence so is "going to the bank to sort it" I dont know if that means he isnt paying at all or if he's just reducing it. I asked - He said "i'll sort it"

Now - He does pay over the odds on maintainence. He's been paying £350 to me a month and putting £40 in an account a month for DD (I put same amount in also)

He is on a good wage but its all classed as "over time" he's officially on 18,000 a year, but actually earns £25,000 (and always has) When we broke up he said he would give me £200 a month maintainence and pay half to DD's out of school and added activites in school - She does Yoga, Tennis, and french at school (well day care - its payable lessons) and does Gymnastics, Dance and piano lessons (and now swimming!) outside of school. He's now saying that he needs to give his GF £XX, Debts are £xx, Bank loan is £xx, which leaves him £XX to go out (drinking) and then that leaves him £xx a month to live on and he ends up giving me £350. (for the record, he doesnt pay anything for work - they pay his petrol, car tax/insurance and they make him dinner so he doesnt have "pack up" to buy) I cant afford DD's extras so she'll be stopping them (which is a shame but they arent necessary)

He said he cant afford for me to go to court (not my problem) and asked why i was going and if i could wait. Said i just needed to sort a few things out to ensure DD's care.

Not once did he ask about DD or how she was or if he was picking her up this weekend (and i didnt ask - wanted to see if he was bothered)

He slipped up and said he's going to Butlins in March for a lads holiday (that'll be nice - spending DD's maintainence on beer)

He found out a few personal things and asked me about them but i refused to comment.

He told me his wages had dropped from 18,000 to £16,000 which i dont believe.

Anyway - no point to this post, more of a rant as i dont want to tell OH any of this.

Ohh . . . and apprently I've been "flashing cash" - I've been and brought a new car (I say me - My dad brought it, I have to pay him back) so ex says i cant need maintainence that much. OH said other week he'd do this and said that OH would pay for DD and to tell ex to go do one.

grrrrr

Off to bed, up early tomorrow and may kill someone

Night x

This is yet another tactic of his to control you, by attempting to control your money and how you spend it.

If you haven't already, start down the CSA route - unless you have an enforceable child maintenance order laying down how much he has to pay for maintenance and how often, he'll be playing this game with you for years to come. He's really not helping himself with this nonsense, but thats not your problem - you need regular maintenance so you can budget for providing for your DD.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Well, Its works, am at work absolutley terrifed.

He's telling me that although he earns over £25k a year, because his contract only says £18,000 then it'll go by that? Is that right?

He's also said that the claim will be less because of GF's Child Benefit (?!)

Ex said he'll give me £30 a week. OH has told me to tell ex to erm . .get lost and that OH will support us fully (not really his job)

urgh!

Penny-Pincher!!

Hi Sweet

Just tell him "not to worry" as the CSA will sort it all for him and look back over the past 1-2 yrs earnings and base their award to you on that.

On £18.000pa, you will probably see approx £250pcm.

Chin up and well done for staying strong!

PP
xx

jellyhead

Hmm ... I can see why your OH said that but in the long term you might need the maintenance. If your OH doesn't want it to be part of the household budget what about setting aside the maintenance for the piano lessons or whatever? That way your OH will still as if he's supporting his new family and your ex will be paying for whichever extras you decide on (you said earlier that those will have to stop because you can't afford them now).

I don't know much about maintenance but I think there's a section on MSE for it, or someone else will know where to point you to. I know that at the time my sister and her ex worked it out they took 15% of the wage for 1 child and 20% of the wage for 2 children, but I have no idea if that is net or gross wage, and it may be true that they don't take any overtime into account. I have no idea if it's true that they would reduce his payment towards you due to his new GF having a child. It's not his child, so shouldn't her own father be paying maintenance for her?

Perhaps it would be worth starting a thread to find out what other people think the CSA would ask him to pay, and then deciding if it's best to take the £30 he is offering. My sister and her ex decided to just sort it out between themselves in the end, but, and this is a big but - her ex is 100% reliable and she knows without a doubt that he will always pay it. If you think your ex might be unreliable, or might with-hold payment if he is in a mard about something then perhaps the security of the CSA might be a better bet.

Why do you say you're terrified? Is it the money situation you are worried about, or is it not knowing whether you're doing the right thing all the time? It must be very stressful If it's money you could ask for help with budgeting on MSE.

shellsuit

mommyme wrote: »

Well, Its works, am at work absolutley terrifed.

He's telling me that although he earns over £25k a year, because his contract only says £18,000 then it'll go by that? Is that right?

He's also said that the claim will be less because of GF's Child Benefit (?!)

Ex said he'll give me £30 a week. OH has told me to tell ex to erm . .get lost and that OH will support us fully (not really his job)

urgh!

Yes it will go by what's on his wageslips. If he lives with the GF and she has children, he will pay less. He'll also pay less if he has her overnight on a regular basis.

I get £40 a week for 2 children. :cool:

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Well - Am a worrier - I'm one of those that will look on the world in a bad light

I've got a spreadsheet going for bills etc. From looking at my spread sheet I will be fine (without Maintainence), but the figures dont quite add up correct what I write them down (dont know why!)

My WTC and CTC is being reassessed. Without taking WTC/CTC and maintainence into account im £100 short. OH said he will give me a bit extra money (he gives me £280 a month for basic bills - he doesnt pay towards my car insurance etc so my outgoing is more than his atm)

Will CSA go on what his contract says or what he actually earns? He's worked at the company for 6 years and has never ever earned his basic pay, always been in the regin of £25k

shellsuit

mommyme wrote: »

Well - Am a worrier - I'm one of those that will look on the world in a bad light

I've got a spreadsheet going for bills etc. From looking at my spread sheet I will be fine (without Maintainence), but the figures dont quite add up correct what I write them down (dont know why!)

My WTC and CTC is being reassessed. Without taking WTC/CTC and maintainence into account im £100 short. OH said he will give me a bit extra money (he gives me £280 a month for basic bills - he doesnt pay towards my car insurance etc so my outgoing is more than his atm)

Will CSA go on what his contract says or what he actually earns? He's worked at the company for 6 years and has never ever earned his basic pay, always been in the regin of £25k

Will you be entitled to WTC with your OH working?

The CSA will calculate what the ex should pay using his wage slips, so they will ask him to provide them with them.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

jellyhead wrote: »

Why do you say you're terrified? Is it the money situation you are worried about, or is it not knowing whether you're doing the right thing all the time? It must be very stressful If it's money you could ask for help with budgeting on MSE.

Money side of things. Ex got into £32k worth of debt (which i helped pay off!) and now im a tight fisted penny pincher lol I dont want to ever get in the situation again where baliffs are knocking on the door.

Luckily, I only have 2 "official" debts which are catalogues (They are being paid off monthly and off the top of my head they are nearly paid off) other than that I owe my dad £1k for a car that he's just brought me (mine broke, needed one for work) but he has told me that he isnt desperate for it back, as long as i pay it back, and to sort me and DD out first.

I've always gone on MSE's debt free wannabe and checked my budget, The thing that gets me is my mobile and grocery shopping (this is OH's fault, he used to work in a kitchen so is a fussy eater!)

Bills generally aren't high - not in arrers with anyone. Monthly I pay £697.73 out (not inc DD's Nursery or extra's), thats rent, council tax, tv licence, sky, car insurance, contents insurance, house phone, internet, 2 catalogues, mobile phone (which is a baddy, it's £50 a month but is really the only luxery i have, dont smoke/drink/go out) water, gas and elec.

I'm just a worry wart

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

shellsuit wrote: »

Will you be entitled to WTC with your OH working?.

Yes, me and Ex got WTC and CTC and he was on a much higher wage than OH. They've said im entitled but they havent sent the paperwork through yet (I only work P/T)

Bloomin_Freezing2

The csa will go by his wages slips, not his contract, and if it's regular overtime they will use that too. Will they really reduce hispayments if h lives with GF daughter that is not his own?? Surely her own father should pay maintenance to cover her. You will sadly not get 250 pcm for 18,000 salary. Lets assume for a minute that he has no responsibilty for GF daughter who lives with them. HE will have to pay you 15% of his take home pay (what he's earnt after tax). If he is accountable for GF daughter (I really don't see he should be) they would take 15% of his take home pay and then do 15% of what's left from that to give to you. If he tries to mess them about, of you think he's trying to tell them he earns less they can go direct to his employer and take money from his wages before he even gets paid if need be.