Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Oh we've met - we dont get along (Sorry - this next bit will be long!)

Ex met her on Net in June, They started seeing each other in July and he moved in with her in September. I invited them round when he first started seeing her as Ex wanted DD to be around her (didnt know they had met on net at this point, they told me they went to school together) She came round, didnt say a word to me (at all! I got Nod's of the head when I asked her something) Her DD ran riot and broke a few of my ornaments and was VERY cheeky (I didnt say anything to either of them about this) I invited them to DD's party in Sept and they left.

In August, GF decided that she would put some nasty comments on FB, was texting me off Ex's phone and generally cause trouble (she's 27, Im 26) etc I spoke to ex and said I really didnt want GF to be at DD's party (it wasnt a family party, no family was there, it was a kids party for kids at nursery) Ex agreed because of the animosity.

Anyway, day of party (soft play centre in town) - GF gate crashed it. Didnt say anything to me (or DD - not even "Happy Birthday") She threw (THREW) A card and a present near to DD (who didnt notice) and stomed off, sat with Ex's friend (whose kids were invited) and was giving nasty looks to me and all other parents (who commented on it, so I ended up apologising for her behaviour) When all kids came to sit down to eat, GF's DD refused to and caused a huge scene. GF just said "oh do what you want" and that was that. Ex was following me round constantly saying things in my ear but I just ignored it. Eventually I went outside and asked Ex what GF was doing here and he just said "I invited her" and that was it.

I ended up in tears in the bathroom because everyone was complaining and I thought DD's party was ruined because of the atmosphere.

GF went on FB and put things along the lines of "better watch yout (my) back" I spoke to ex and said I wasn’t happy about it and that if GF had a problem she should come and speak to me about it. He said he would “sort it” - I blocked her on FB.

In Dec DD was going to her dads on a Sunday – But there was an event near to us that had a santa and real reindeer so I asked ex if he would have DD on Saturday instead as I wanted to take DD. Ex refused, but asked if he could go with us. We agreed, I asked if GF and her DD would like to go. Anyway, whole day, she never spoke to me (or my OH) ignored my DD and generally did things to annoy me (like walk up my heels, Let her DD run riot again – she tried to kick a duck!) Didn’t say anything, went home and that was last time I saw her to speak to (she sometimes comes for DD but stays in the car.

Her birthday was in Dec, gave Ex a card and a present to give to her, and at xmas gave him a card and presents, one for him, one for GF and one for GF's DD. Never heard anything back so not sure if he gave her them or threw them or what (was good presents to! from lush!)

I generally don’t like the way she acts around DD and when I found out Ex was shoving DD in front of telly or in another room with GF’s DD I asked if he would try and spend time with DD alone as, after all, she’s going to see him. He wasn’t happy.

The other thing that is bugging me at the moment is that He told me last night that he has been taking DD to see GF’s family. I know this shouldn’t bug me as DD see’s OH’s family but it’s just irritating because he dumps DD in a room and goes elsewhere. I don’t know anything about their family – as I said, he met GF on net so he doesn’t really know them either.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

IMPORTANT
I’m at solicitors in under 3 hours. Does this sound right:
I want a C1 form for Residence and Parental Rights (I’ve read ex can’t stop us going on holiday if i have parental rights – He was saying I needed to ask for his permission to take her out of the country and he’d refuse but with parental rights I don’t have to if we’re going for under a month)
I’m not sure whether I need to fill in the C1A form – ex turning up intoxicated in an uninsured van with no car seat for DD seem's harmful to me but doubt it will be for court Ex is capable of violence (and has been to me) Has been violent to DD once where he smacked her when she was younger and left a bruise but i (very stupidly) told him that if he hurt DD again he'd better sleep with one eye open and he hasn't done anything since.
Maintenance – I will contact CSA on Friday (only free day I have this week)
Access – I won’t allow access without an address – He can have Sunday 9-5 (like we agreed) every week if I have the address (and it’s the right address!) I do not want to waste my money fighting this at the minute in court (I can’t afford to, won’t get legal aid) and if Ex wants to he can take me to court (he can’t – he can’t afford to)
Is there anything else I need to try and discuss? I only have ½ free. Main thing is the first bit. If I get chance I will mention Access but should I really be the one chasing this? I’m not refusing him access, he just isn’t letting me know till the last minute he wants her

angelsmomma

Oh good Lord, this is bringing it all back to me.

I honestly think you should just go to family court to sort it all out. You could end up going on like this for a very long time. It is not fair on your child to have all this going on around her.

I didn't want to go that way myself at the time but it was impossible to deal with each other sensibly (I got over emotional too I admit) I also went down the CSA route and it is so much easier now.

I know what I am getting each month and despite knowing I could ask for a reasessment since it was three years ago and one of his children has grown up I really can't be bothered rocking the boat. I actually quite like him now since son loves him so much. Still can't stand the gf (now wife) but she stays out of my way and I don't mention her to ex. happy people all round from all out war 3 years ago.


Edit, I did not have a solicitor for the family court. When I went to see one she wanted and I quote "a cheque from yourselves for £1500 to go to attend court hearing" I just wrote to the court myself and represented myself. He had a solicitor but she couldn't bully me, the judge wouldn't let her.

shellsuit

Oh she sounds wonderful...NOT!

To be honest, if that's how she's acted towards you, when you have INVITED her and her daughter along to things, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near her!

When my kids were with their Dad at his ex GF's house once, she called me a 'fluckin' fat cow' in front of the kids. It upset them, so they came home and told me and they never went again. She called me it because their Dad had got photos out for them to look at ~ the GF walked into the kitchen, picked one up of me and the kids and started calling me fit to burn. It's pathetic and childish and out of order.


If your ex doesn't give you the address because the GF doesn't want him to, I'd ask her what the hell her problem is. You have a right to know where your child is going to be staying/sleeping and I'm sorry, but if they won't play ball, I'd tell the ex if he wants to see his daughter, he can spend time with her at your house.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

angelsmomma wrote: »

Edit, I did not have a solicitor for the family court. When I went to see one she wanted and I quote "a cheque from yourselves for £1500 to go to attend court hearing" I just wrote to the court myself and represented myself. He had a solicitor but she couldn't bully me, the judge wouldn't let her.

I'm going for the free advise but there's no way I can afford to go over the odds. If I get legal aid - great, I'll use solicitor all the time. If I dont then there's not much I can do. I was worried ex would get a nasty solicitor which is why I wanted one but as he's skint I doubt that's an option for him.

shellsuit wrote: »

Oh she sounds wonderful...NOT!

To be honest, if that's how she's acted towards you, when you have INVITED her and her daughter along to things, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near her!

When my kids were with their Dad at his ex GF's house once, she called me a 'fluckin' fat cow' in front of the kids. It upset them, so they came home and told me and they never went again. She called me it because their Dad had got photos out for them to look at ~ the GF walked into the kitchen, picked one up of me and the kids and started calling me fit to burn. It's pathetic and childish and out of order.

If your ex doesn't give you the address because the GF doesn't want him to, I'd ask her what the hell her problem is. You have a right to know where your child is going to be staying/sleeping and I'm sorry, but if they won't play ball, I'd tell the ex if he wants to see his daughter, he can spend time with her at your house.

I think in all fairness most of her hatred towards me is because of ex. When he started seeing GF he started cancelling on DD or turning up late because he had thigns to do with GF. And this narcked me big time. I saw it as - He turned up on time when he wasnt with her, must be the GF. And i've realised, actually, it was him. I'd rather DD wasnt near GF when ex has her on a sunday but thats more because I want him to spend time with DD and not fob her off infront of the telly so him and GF can do god knows what

I know he's told GF lies and hasnt told her the truth about us. He's blamed me for his debts (even though I didnt get him into debt and helped pay them off) and he's said im this violent nasty cow (which I can be, have smacked him once but only because he did something to me when I was asleep)

Ex isnt allowed in my house for longer than 5 minutes. OH threw him out other week - Ex didnt know OH was in the kitchen, came in the house and stood calling me names in front of DD, OH over heard him, heard I was getting upset (was crying) , walked in and told him to get out. Ex took DD and left.

Normally OH stays out of it but he knows this has been affecting me esp with the OCD. Have started to scratch myself as well (not realising i've been doing this) and have 2 nice scabs on my leg that im dying to pick at (its a scab! its what you do! lol) OH thinks this is because of aggro ex is causing as I've never done it before. (not allergic to anything, only lavendar and not been near that!)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

1. You're her mother - surely you already have parental rights?
2. Residence - the solicitor will advise
3. Of course it's bloody dangerous for her!
4. How do you know he hasn't hit her again - you don't even know were he is half the time.
5. The threats made by the new girlfriend also suggest violence is a normal part of life there. When is this ever a good place to allow your daughter to go? (PS if you unblock her, you might get some useful screenshots for court)
6. You can ask for a requirement that GF isn't present during contact/request that a contact centre/his mum's house is where he sees her.
7. Anything that protects your child from abuse/violence is never a waste of money.



8. Put plasters over your scabs. It's horrid picking at scabs, as they will not heal properly that way.

shellsuit

mommyme wrote: »

IMPORTANT
I’m at solicitors in under 3 hours. Does this sound right:
I want a C1 form for Residence and Parental Rights (I’ve read ex can’t stop us going on holiday if i have parental rights – He was saying I needed to ask for his permission to take her out of the country and he’d refuse but with parental rights I don’t have to if we’re going for under a month) Like Jojo said, you already have parental rights, so I'm confused as to what you are actually asking for/want.
I’m not sure whether I need to fill in the C1A form – ex turning up intoxicated in an uninsured van with no car seat for DD seem's harmful to me but doubt it will be for court Ex is capable of violence (and has been to me) Has been violent to DD once where he smacked her when she was younger and left a bruise but i (very stupidly) told him that if he hurt DD again he'd better sleep with one eye open and he hasn't done anything since.
Maintenance – I will contact CSA on Friday (only free day I have this week)
Access – I won’t allow access without an address – He can have Sunday 9-5 (like we agreed) every week if I have the address (and it’s the right address!) I do not want to waste my money fighting this at the minute in court (I can’t afford to, won’t get legal aid) and if Ex wants to he can take me to court (he can’t – he can’t afford to)
Is there anything else I need to try and discuss? I only have ½ free. Main thing is the first bit. Why, you already have those rights? If I get chance I will mention Access but should I really be the one chasing this? I’m not refusing him access, he just isn’t letting me know till the last minute he wants her You are refusing him access though but only because he won't give you an address.

It's too late now as you will have already gone. Hope it went OK for you.

jellyhead

He still hasn't given you an address - I think it's also reasonable to ask for proof that he is living there, a bill in his name for example.

For this reason if nothing else, I think I would be asking for contact to be in an approved centre only.

This won't help because you've already gone, but good luck!

If it's any help, somebody once told me to use lanacaine to stop me scratching my manky wrists (started off as eczema but I had a cutting habit back then and scabs are ever so itchy). She told me it was a local anaesthetic cream, and would numb the scabs so I would leave them alone. The pharmacist told me it was a remedy for piles! It worked though I don't know if they still sell lanacaine, or if piles cream still works in the same way though, this was 20 years ago.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sorry! was rushed trying to sort a few things outs - I meant the residence bit (got confused!)

Ok, dont qualify for legal aid so having to pay :eek: but this may change (waitng on reeval from tax office so this might knock me below the "limit")

Solicitor has told me that because Ex has always mentioned taking me to court for DD I can not get a residence order BUT she is writing him a letter. Letter will state the following:

1. Solicitor wants ex to confirm in writing that DD lives with me and that he does not dispute this (not sure if this will be useful?)

2. Ex has contact with DD every other sunday 09:00 - 17:00 starting 6th Feb but ONLY if he provides an address and that he must text me every friday to say he is having DD. He must also drop/pick up promptly on time

3. DD to get one to one time with her dad and to be treated equally

4. I will inform ex of Holiday plans (taking DD abroad etc) and provide county and area of where we are visiting, and dates we are visiting.

I've had to send this to his mums house as obv i dont know his address.

I've rang ex to tell him letters going to his mums (his mum wouldnt of told him) Ex isnt happy. He thinks i've done gone to a solicitor to "be a b**ch" HE said to me he will give me £30 maintainence a week
"because that's what (GF) gets from (GF's DD's) dad" I said that we needed to agree maintainence and that if it went through CSA I could get it reviewed every year, he replied "er, no you cant! (GF's) had same claim for 3 years!" my reply "well maybe her ex has been in same job for 3 years on same wage - YOUR wage varies month to month!" he hung up lol

I texted Ex's mum, put "hi! can you let me know when your home, need to speak to you"

I was going to ask her if she wanted to see DD on her day off work because Ex now won't have time to take DD over.

Got a shirty reply with the words "i already KNOW what you've done"

sent one back saying

"actually, I didnt want to talk to you about (ex) I wanted to talk to you about you seeing (DD)"

No reply. Might call her, interested to see whats' been said

I did notice something though. Christmas falls on a sunday this year. Can I request that I have DD and he has her boxing day (or New Year's day - we normally go away on boxing day)

TY all for everything - Me x

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

LOL

Ex has rang me. Wanted to talk about maintainence. I asked what he intended to pay. He said he didnt know and asked what I wanted. I told him CSA would go by what he's earned and not his contract, told him that they would take XX months, work out his average weekly pay and work it out from there. Ex asked if we could keep it out of CSA so I said "right, well bring your wage slips through and we'll talk"

GF shouted in back ground "DONT TELL HER WHAT YOU EARN!!"

lol ringing CSA tomorrow.

Ex reackons im telling him lies and that I haven t been to solicitor and that CSA won't go by his earnings. He dropped himself in it, He's had a pay rise!!!! :rotfl:

OH is actually peeing himself with laughter. 4 times I told ex we will deal with this through solicitors and CSA and he never listened. GF was listening in and chipping comments in, my OH was just laughing because i kept repeating myself. where was my support eh lol