Flaming Ex - why do i bother?!

Morty_007

I'd be inclined to phone him in the week and let him know that DD has a party on Sunday so she will need to be back in time for you to take her and could he confirm he will indeed be taking her from 9-1.30 (depending on knowing address ) (or whatever).

Then I think it's not a bad idea to regularise the Sunday pick up. Maybe arrange to have a discussion with him, face to face while DD is at party next week. Explain it's unsettling for DD to not know whether he is coming or when and that you find it hard to make plans so late in the day when he informs you late that he is picking her up. Maybe suggest he has her ever other Sunday if every Sunday is too grreat a committment for him. If he doesn't like that idea it reinforces your request that it be agreed that he is coming EVERY Sunday and that you won't be expecting him to call to tell you IF he is coming, he just needs to turn up ... EVERY week.

jellyhead

mommyme wrote: »

I asked why DD couldnt share bed and pointed out that i bet GF wouldnt be happy if DD was to have the bed and let the other child have the floor, apprently its quite a high up bed and DD would hurt herself (I think its similar to a top bunk)

I've looked at those beds - I think they carry a 'not suitable for children under the age of 6' warning? My 5 year old falls out of bed, but is managing okay in his new higher bed, because the rails go almost all of the way down. If we go anywhere we have to take the fol-up bed rails, or he sleeps with one of us. I suppsoe your OH doesn't want your daughter to get hurt, it's quite a drop.

Also, if it's a small room then the slide would fill it up and there would be no room for a proper bed, but as has been said a fol-up bed or futon would probably fit underneath it okay.

I know lots of kids who stay at their dads in small houses, and in most cases the parents make compromises. A child can sleep in the double bed with the father, while the stepmum sleeps on the sofa or on her daughter's floor. Or, stepmum and her own child can sleep in the double, visiting child gets the single bed and the father sleeps on the sofa or bedroom floor ....

Lots of families do it - in the long term he can't expect your daughter to sleep on the floor until adulthood or beyond. Even if they plan to get bunk beds or a high sleeper with a futon when the stepdaughter outgrows her slidey bed that could be a long way off.

jellyhead

mommyme wrote: »

I replied that I already knew his mums address and asked why he didnt know (GF's) address as he lives there and he put

"I do but forgot the postcode"

So then asked if he could tell me address (without postcode - can royal mail that!) but he hasnt replied.

Is he trying to arrange for someone else's address to be given to you instead? It's easy to find a postcode, what is he hiding? Is his girlfriend on benefits?

A relative of mine is 'not allowed' to know the address that her boy's dad stay at. The boy doesn't sleep there though - they don't even allow him back to the house in case he realises what the address is. This relative recently found out the the dad's new GF hasn't told the benefits office that her boyfriend, who earns 30k per year, has moved in with her. Obviously she is worried that my relative might grass on them one day if she's feeling miffed about him not paying maintenance.

If I were you I would WANT to see the house/bedroom where my child would be sleeping - when he gives you the address, offer to drop her off there next time because you want to see the bedroom, so you can think about solutions for her not having a bed.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

jellyhead wrote: »

If I were you I would WANT to see the house/bedroom where my child would be sleeping - when he gives you the address, offer to drop her off there next time because you want to see the bedroom, so you can think about solutions for her not having a bed.

I cannot see them letting me see inside the house if they arent willing to give me the address, as you said, postcodes are easy to find so i wouldnt need this if they gave me street name and town. The GF works so will more than likely have Working Tax and Child Tax Credits. They've never given me a reason as to why I cant have it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

For all you know, there could be $*%& all over the house, your feet could stick to the kitchen floor, mouldy food could be festering and infested with maggots on the seats, there could be spoons for cooking up smack on the cooker and the doors and windows could all be smashed.

They'd be reasons for refusing you the address.

And someone working and claiming child tax credits as a sole earner would be committing fraud if they have acquired a new partner.

Another reason for refusing you the address.

They could have a brother smoking crack pipes with his mates in the dining room. Or breeding pit bulls for fighting purposes.

It could be infested with cockroaches and vermin.

More reasons for refusing you the address.

rincey

ive just read all these posts and cant belive it ....tell him he dosent get her till you have the address and if he doesnt like it see him in court ,theres no way in hell hed take my daughter without knowing where she is and that she has proper sleeping arrangments sorted out also if he doesnt let you no by friday at the latest if hes taking her or not then tuff she doesnt go ....he sounds like he likes messing you about but you are letting him put your foot down n say no ...if he doesnt like the rules then let the court sort it out ,trust me he wont get his own way there, and stop texting him ,its his job to sort out when n if hes picking her up not yours ,....sorry for going on at you but this guy needs a good slap if you ask me but you also need to wise up n stop letting him walk all over you .

jak

Hey sweetie, sorry it's been so long since I posted! I hope you are dong better and trying to stay strong. It's very difficult to do that in your situation but I honestly feel you need to keep a diary of events (dates/times) without emotion of things that are happening, if it goes to court, you'll have a record and it'll stop you getting confused. I also think you should speak to a solicitor and ask for their advice. The citizens advice is a great starting point. xxx

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Well, Ex has found out I am seeing a solicitor (cheers mum) and has texted me to ask if i would not go to court as he can't afford to (? Thought you could represent yourselves now a days?)

He said he is barley surviving and would I help him budget (ha!)

no mention of DD or if he is going to have her this weekend (and provide an address)

On plus side, I took DD swimming on Sunday (dad day) and it was the first time she swam alone (with armbands) was so proud

Caroline_a

I wouldnt worry about whether he can afford it or not. His concerns are not your concern now, you just want clear, laid-out rules about how access will work, particularly as he has messed you about so much. My ex took me to court as he wanted residency of my daughter. I did have a solicitor to advise me (she was brilliant) but couldnt afford to pay for her to represent me in court, so I did it myself. It wasn't that difficult - you speak when you are spoken to or told to speak, and apart from that you stay quiet! (that was the hard bit for me! :rotfl:)

I do think that you need to stop running around for him - multiple texting/phonecalls to find out if he's coming, what time, etc. One contact, whether it be by phone or text should be enough - 'DD will be ready for you to collect on Saturday at 9.00, and I will be home when you bring her back at 5.00' End of. If he wants to see her, then he has to do the running around and contact you. And no contact without an address as everybody has said either!

Stay strong!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Caroline_a wrote: »

I wouldnt worry about whether he can afford it or not. His concerns are not your concern now, you just want clear, laid-out rules about how access will work, particularly as he has messed you about so much. My ex took me to court as he wanted residency of my daughter. I did have a solicitor to advise me (she was brilliant) but couldnt afford to pay for her to represent me in court, so I did it myself. It wasn't that difficult - you speak when you are spoken to or told to speak, and apart from that you stay quiet! (that was the hard bit for me! :rotfl:)

I do think that you need to stop running around for him - multiple texting/phonecalls to find out if he's coming, what time, etc. One contact, whether it be by phone or text should be enough - 'DD will be ready for you to collect on Saturday at 9.00, and I will be home when you bring her back at 5.00' End of. If he wants to see her, then he has to do the running around and contact you. And no contact without an address as everybody has said either!

Stay strong!

Highlighted a few (easier for me to quote lol)

I was thinking along the lines of - If he is broke, how is he going to pay my maintaintence lol

I've been very good and not texted him :T Last we spoke was when I said he'd left it too late to let me know arrangements for last sunday

I expected him to sort out this weekend but he hasnt as of yet

Going to give it till Thursday evening and if I've not heard anything then I'll make plans (DD has a party invite for the Sunday that Ex is unaware of yet as he hasnt asked about contact)