Seperating over a dog ?

hitchins

RacyRed wrote: »

.

I'm seeing this differently to other posters.

You sound very unwell and it sounds to me as if your husband must be giving you quite a bit of support while you struggle with your illness?

You agreed to the first dog, then wanted to get rid of her.

You agreed to the 2nd dog and now want to get rid of it too.

You agreed to the second dog knowing that you are currently ill and had problems coping with the first one.

Most of all, you know how attached your OH gets to the dogs before you agreed to the 2nd one.

I'm sorry but I don't see him as selfish in this. I read him as tired and frustrated, maybe because your family life is affected by your illness, so wants the dogs as something he can rely on. Although it isn't your fault, does your illnesss mean he doesn't quite know what kind of atmosphere he will come home to after a day at work?

To me the ultimatums read as a cry of desperation, not selfishness.

I think the suggestions made about getting some practical help to care for the dogs during the day, leaving you to concentrate on your DD, are really sensible. That way your hubby gets to keep the dogs, you have some of the pressure lifted from you and hopefully your family life will improve for you all.

^^^The voice of reason! :T:T

BubblyMumbles

RacyRed wrote: »

.

I'm seeing this differently to other posters.

You sound very unwell and it sounds to me as if your husband must be giving you quite a bit of support while you struggle with your illness?

You agreed to the first dog, then wanted to get rid of her.

You agreed to the 2nd dog and now want to get rid of it too.

You agreed to the second dog knowing that you are currently ill and had problems coping with the first one.

Most of all, you know how attached your OH gets to the dogs before you agreed to the 2nd one.

I'm sorry but I don't see him as selfish in this. I read him as tired and frustrated, maybe because your family life is affected by your illness, so wants the dogs as something he can rely on. Although it isn't your fault, does your illnesss mean he doesn't quite know what kind of atmosphere he will come home to after a day at work?

To me the ultimatums read as a cry of desperation, not selfishness.

I think the suggestions made about getting some practical help to care for the dogs during the day, leaving you to concentrate on your DD, are really sensible. That way your hubby gets to keep the dogs, you have some of the pressure lifted from you and hopefully your family life will improve for you all.

I agree.

Dogs are a proper commitment that you can't just chop and change your mind about. I know how hard work puppies are, I have a large breed as well, just turned 2, it's unbelievably hard work, but you knew what you were taking on, you already had one.

Perhaps you need some more help with managing your illness just now to enable you to cope better? Being out there and walking with the dogs is a great way to assist your health, physical and mental.

I hope things work out for you, and for the dogs, please don't give up on the pup.

RacyRed

hitchins wrote: »

^^^The voice of reason! :T:T

Thank you

deedardingle

Hi Bella79,

On first reading your OP, I felt your husband had railroaded you into making a quick decision about getting another dog:

Bella79 wrote: »

4 weeks ago dh decided he would like another dog of the same breed (large) although i was initially recluctant didnt think i would be able to cope daily etc i eventually agreeed cos i could see how much dh wanted this. But boy i was wrong im really struggling we have had the 2 dogs 4 weeks now and i just cant cope with them

But on reading this post:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2701945

I see that I was wrong and it wasn't a rash decision and that at that time, you was excited and looking forward to the arrival of the new pup.

and from this thread:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1354303

I get the impression that you are experienced at handling large breed dogs.

How long after the new pup arrived did you start to feel that you couldn't cope with him? I know it must be very difficult for you with a toddler, two dogs and your illness as well, but you've only had the puppy for four weeks so couldn't you give him a little while longer to see how you get on? If you have been feeling particularly low recently, it could be that you will soon be feeling better and more able to deal with things. Could you have a dog shelter and pen put up in the garden so that you have somewhere safe to place the dogs when they get too much for you during the day while your husband is at work?

It would be such a shame for this to cause such a rift in an otherwise good marriage so I hope you and your husband can soon sort things. Good luck!

Any

grey_lady wrote: »

Is it possible that he's a bit fed up with you being poorly, that in a way he wants you to get better but by getting rid of the puppy then that proves your not getting better e.g. "you can't cope with anything"

How long have you been on medication/counselling for the depression & anxiety? if its been a while then maybe he's hoping he can nudge you on a little bit.

Is he otherwise loving and supportive? sounds like he is.

I also get the feeling that the DH is trying to help in his own way...
As OP says herself, she wanted to give the older dog away as well - and the DH might just think that she needs to overcome this constant "I can't do it".
Especially as it doesn't seem the OP actually has to do much with the dogs - she doesn't walk them.

I am not lightning the OP's feelings in any way, I am just trying to also see the other side. I am sure if it actually came to it the DH would not leave them. He otherwise seem quite caring.

Bufger

So he wants a dog but you're the one home all day to look after it + your other dog and your daughter. Sorry but i'd firm up a bit and give him some home truths. tell him: If he loves you and appreciates you he will understand that you cant cope with the new dog, you're sorry that you thought you could but you cant. You're the one there all day holding the fort WHICH IS A FULL TIME JOB so you hope he understands.

Quite frankly if he threatens to walk over keeping a dog i would chuck him in the kennel and let the dog support you. (and im a bloke saying this!)

ameliarate

I'm a bit confused as to what exactly you can't cope with. If he is walking both dogs and you just have to let him out in the garden occasionally then surely the rest of the time the pup will just sleep or play with the other dog. What is it that you have to do with the dog that you can't cope with?

thorsoak

Can I suggest that your OH builds a kennel/run in the garden for both dogs, which they can go into during the day when he is at work - with a dog walker coming in to walk them during the day until you feel more able to cope?

It's not an ideal situation for any puppy - but as you said, you wanted to get rid of the first when she was a puppy and you couldn't cope at that stage, but then you felt better, she grew up, and you now love her!

It would be a shame to split up over a dog - your relationship must take precedence over that of the puppy - as an occasional breeder, I would not hesitate to take back a puppy in the circumstances you've set out.

Fang_3

I'm seeing this differently too. It sounds to me like he has one thing in his life other than his family that he enjoys and you want to remove it because you can't be bothered to open a door twice a day. I'm sorry, but you need to get a grip and understand that it isn't all about you, because all I'm hearing from you is how everything affects you.

cte1111

Fang wrote: »

I'm seeing this differently too. It sounds to me like he has one thing in his life other than his family that he enjoys and you want to remove it because you can't be bothered to open a door twice a day. I'm sorry, but you need to get a grip and understand that it isn't all about you, because all I'm hearing from you is how everything affects you.

Feel shocked that someone who is quoting from the bible in their signature is being so un-Christian to the OP who is ill and suffering.

I'm really disturbed by the turn this thread has taken. If you have ever suffered from depression then you will know that advice to 'get a grip' is cruel and hurtful. It's not that easy.

I was trying hard when I first read this thread to see the husband's POV as my initial reaction was that he was being absolutely awful. I guess others are finding it easier to see his rationale so that was interesting.

To the OP - I can entirely understand why you can't cope with a lively puppy. They are hard work to train and look after, it's not just walking them but bringing them up and generally dealing with their need for entertainment and discipline 24 hours a day.

Have you been able to talk to your OH further about this? I hope you are able to reach some resolution. Perhaps you would be able to write down exactly what it is that you are finding hard to deal with, so your OH will understand more.