OH has confiscated my cards

RoxieW

*Louise* wrote: »

What a situation. I guess you're not so much bothered by the fact that your money is restricted as the fact that HIS isn't!

Sounds like he is just trying to pass the buck, and I don't blame you for not liking the way he is doing it

If it were me, I would let him get on with it for now - he will either sink or swim.
I would oppen a second bank account, put the £200 p/w in there (that IS a decent amount of money imo) transfer the child benefit/and tax credits to there and not let him touch use it - he wants £15 for a taxi? Wouldn't be coming out of MY budget

But if I start to get tit for tat then theres no way I can win. He would, I'm sure, be more than happy to let me try manage on the child benefit etc and keep his wage for himself :rotfl:He is a pretty high earner. I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I am starting to panic that if things went sour I have nothing. I gave up my career for the family and supported him while he has climbed the career ladder and tripled his wage. Yet I could be left with nothing while he skipped off an lived the high life in a swanky city apartment (something he has 'joked' about). More fool me but I thought we were a team for life.

Person_one

RoxieW wrote: »

But if I start to get tit for tat then theres no way I can win. He would, I'm sure, be more than happy to let me try manage on the child benefit etc and keep his wage for himself :rotfl:He is a pretty high earner. I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I am starting to panic that if things went sour I have nothing. I gave up my career for the family and supported him while he has climbed the career ladder and tripled his wage. Yet I could be left with nothing while he skipped off an lived the high life in a swanky city apartment (something he has 'joked' about). More fool me but I thought we were a team for life.

You've been married for ten years and have three children, so leaving you with nothing is not an option for him. If you separated then no, you wouldn't have his higher wage, but your children would receive some of it as child support and you and they would probably have the right to stay in the house they've grown up in until they are 18 or leave education.

Obviously you want to save your marriage, and I really hope he changes his mind about counselling so you can but if he doesn't change or gets even worse, please don't stay for the sake of security and habit. Think about the kind of marriage you are showing your children is 'normal'. Would you want them to treat future partners the way your husband treats you? Do you want them to accept that sort of treatment from a future spouse?

Pixiechic

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi,

I was wondering, how much of the debt would you say is down to your personal shopping? For example the lot of money you spent on the wedding that you went to. How much of the 3k debt would you say was down to you?

Quoted it is as not sure if you saw it!

RoxieW

Dave101t wrote: »

observation: crap relationship.
im married and we still split our finances. bills split down the middle, and no one has 'authority' over the others finances. its amazing people still function like this, knowing the ongoing problems it causes.

For ten year we have had joint finances but Ive been the one with financial responsibility ie paying bill, budgeting etc. Unfortunately we have crept up into overdraft and this is why he has taken the responsibility from me. I understand that. But in his mind he has now apportioned all of the 3k debt to me. This isnt the case - he wanted to have the bathroom done for example which we decided not to take a loan out for and just try to cut down to claw that expense back. That hasnt happened. We also had a holiday which he was happy to enjoy. He had a holiday with the boys, then bought me an expensive bday present. That probably would add up to the amount we owe right there. But no, I didnt cut down our everyday spending to account for it so that is my fault.

He has got a bee in his bonnet about me spending £500 in clothes. But actually it was more like £250 and that included an outfit for his friends wedding and a bag which I have now sold. He added everything that was a clothes shop up and apportioned it to me - ignoring the fact that we kitted 3 boys out for summer from Next, Debenhams etc. He had about £100 in clothes on the same month. £250 is not the norm that I would spend on clothes but I had gone OTT that month I admit. But in his head that has somehow become that I have run up 3K worth of overdraft.

RoxieW

sorry pixie, see last paragraph above,

RoxieW

We have about £100 a month budget for clothes each. I would normally stick to that or there abouts. Not normally more than £150 certainly. But I did spend more than that on the month before the poo hit the fan - about £250.

RoxieW

I am happy to stick to the £200 budget. I have been doing the £10 a day challange and ebaying to try to make up for my part in this. So far I have made/saved £300. I have trudged heavy items up to the post office in the rain with 3 kids in tow. I am selling my own bags/purses etc. I pointed this out yesterday and he laughed 'wow. thats not 3K though is it'. I am doing what I can but am still being punished I feel.

I've got the boys 24/7 at the moment and just wanted to meet a friend to have a break out of the house but I'm not allowed. That is what I cant swallow.

ariarnia

RoxieW wrote: »

Hello guys

I really don't know how to approach this or what to do? I can see it from his point of view but I feel I am being punished and I hate the feeling of total powerlessness.

Please help.

http://www.welshwomensaid.org/whatis/financial.html

Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying your ability to do so or obstructing you.

neneromanova

So where is YOUR iPad? I'd say to him that as you're both in debt, and it was bought for you that you are selling it to recoop some of the profits and see what he says about that

WhiteHorse

Confiscating your cards was a good thing. Now you confiscate his and it'll be even better.