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OH has confiscated my cards
RoxieW
Posts: 3,016 Forumite
Hello guys
I haven't posted on this forum for a while as have been put of in the past by malicious posters but I feel I really need to air the relationship side of this problem here.
A couple of weeks ago the poo well and truly hit the fan in our household. After probably years of consistent over spending the money (and the overdrafts) ran out and we were forced to face up to the fact that our income wasn't keeping up with our lifestyle. As I deal with the money I got the blame for this. Yet I have many times tried telling OH that we cant afford something and the he would take no notice. I do take some of the blame though. I have overspent in most aspects - food, clothes, entertainment. Although I sometimes felt pressure from OH to keep up a certain standard of living I admit that I have no excuse for not reining in sooner. But he is also at fault. for example, despite only recently having a conversation about money ( lack of) with him he went out an bought an iPad and dressed it up as a gift for me ( one which I didn't want).
Anyway, he has laid the blame firmly at my door, went mad and confiscated my bank cards. He is now giving me an allowance of £200 per week which is to include everything that isn't a direct debit bill. For example, groceries, clothes, entertainment, the boys clubs etc. Now although I hate the idea of being given an allowance in theory as I find the concept quite demeaning, I've gone along with it as it seems to be actually working. I admit our spending needs to come down and so far I haven't done such a great job, but obviously with this system I can't spend what I don't have. So I've swallowed my pride and have been going along with it.
Until today when he read a message from me to a friend about meeting for a curry. I got a 'what money do you think you.re using for that' and told in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going. Yet where is he as I write this. The pub. He says I have already spent my money for the next 3 months.
To be perfectly honest, I hate him for exerting his control in this way. I look after the children at home and he is the main earner. The only bit of work I do is from home and must fit around the children and doing everything in the house. He says if I don't play ball he will just have all his wage put into his own bank account and leave me with nothing but whatever he choses to give. This would also happen if I try to exert my own power but not doing things such as the cooking, washing etc. I feel totally powerless.
I really don't know how to approach this or what to do? I can see it from his point of view but I feel I am being punished and I hate the feeling of total powerlessness.
Please help.
I haven't posted on this forum for a while as have been put of in the past by malicious posters but I feel I really need to air the relationship side of this problem here.
A couple of weeks ago the poo well and truly hit the fan in our household. After probably years of consistent over spending the money (and the overdrafts) ran out and we were forced to face up to the fact that our income wasn't keeping up with our lifestyle. As I deal with the money I got the blame for this. Yet I have many times tried telling OH that we cant afford something and the he would take no notice. I do take some of the blame though. I have overspent in most aspects - food, clothes, entertainment. Although I sometimes felt pressure from OH to keep up a certain standard of living I admit that I have no excuse for not reining in sooner. But he is also at fault. for example, despite only recently having a conversation about money ( lack of) with him he went out an bought an iPad and dressed it up as a gift for me ( one which I didn't want).
Anyway, he has laid the blame firmly at my door, went mad and confiscated my bank cards. He is now giving me an allowance of £200 per week which is to include everything that isn't a direct debit bill. For example, groceries, clothes, entertainment, the boys clubs etc. Now although I hate the idea of being given an allowance in theory as I find the concept quite demeaning, I've gone along with it as it seems to be actually working. I admit our spending needs to come down and so far I haven't done such a great job, but obviously with this system I can't spend what I don't have. So I've swallowed my pride and have been going along with it.
Until today when he read a message from me to a friend about meeting for a curry. I got a 'what money do you think you.re using for that' and told in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going. Yet where is he as I write this. The pub. He says I have already spent my money for the next 3 months.
To be perfectly honest, I hate him for exerting his control in this way. I look after the children at home and he is the main earner. The only bit of work I do is from home and must fit around the children and doing everything in the house. He says if I don't play ball he will just have all his wage put into his own bank account and leave me with nothing but whatever he choses to give. This would also happen if I try to exert my own power but not doing things such as the cooking, washing etc. I feel totally powerless.
I really don't know how to approach this or what to do? I can see it from his point of view but I feel I am being punished and I hate the feeling of total powerlessness.
Please help.
MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."
0
Comments
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Ps I posted on the DFW board with an SOA etc and am currently doing a diary to help me keep on track with my spending. So I have tackled the spending side as best I can. I have also ebayed lots of things - my own things - and out the money into the bank account. So I am trying to make the situation right from a money point of view but I don't know where to start with the damage it is doing to my relationship.MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."0 -
Your problem isn't money (well, not your only problem) its the double standard your OH is trying to impose.
You need to add up what all your necessary expenses are each month, including food and your children's activities, pay that out of your joint incomings, and from what is left both of you take a small allowance (the same amount) for fun stuff etc. and spend the rest paying down your debts or saving. Neither of you gets any say or has the right to complain about what the other spends their allowance on.
That's what I'd want to do anyway.
Example:
Incomings:
Wage 1 - 1000
Wage 2 - 1500
Outgoings:
Bills, Food, Repayments, Rent, Petrol, Kids hobbies etc. - 1500
Remainder - 1000
Allowance - 250 each
Save/repay - 500
That's just imaginary numbers to illustrate my suggestion as I'm not sure how clear I was!0 -
That is what we used to do but he says because I've overspent I'm having nothing now until he says so. He's also overspent but on different things. Mine was mostly clothes so easily to pinpoint to me. He would overspend on takeaways etc but say that's for both of us even though he's the only one that wants it IYDWIM. Or gadgets that he can say are for us both but actually it's just him.MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."0 -
......................................Person_one wrote: »Your problem isn't money (well, not your only problem) its the double standard your OH is trying to impose.
You need to add up what all your necessary expenses are each month, including food and your children's activities, pay that out of your joint incomings, and from what is left both of you take a small allowance (the same amount) for fun stuff etc. and spend the rest paying down your debts or saving. Neither of you gets any say or has the right to complain about what the other spends their allowance on.
That's what I'd want to do anyway.
Example:
Incomings:
Wage 1 - 1000
Wage 2 - 1500
Outgoings:
Bills, Food, Repayments, Rent, Petrol, Kids hobbies etc. - 1000
Remainder - 500
Allowance - 100 each
Save - 300
I don't think your sums add up ---but I get the jist...LOL:rotfl:
That's just imaginary numbers to illustrate my suggestion as I'm not sure how clear I was!0 -
Mrs_justjohn wrote: »......................................
Only out by a grand, what's the problem?!!!!
Fixed it now, hopefully!0 -
Person_one wrote: »Your problem isn't money (well, not your only problem) its the double standard your OH is trying to impose.
You need to add up what all your necessary expenses are each month, including food and your children's activities, pay that out of your joint incomings, and from what is left both of you take a small allowance (the same amount) for fun stuff etc. and spend the rest paying down your debts or saving. Neither of you gets any say or has the right to complain about what the other spends their allowance on.
!
Yes I agree with this post. It does not seem (if your OP is to be believed) that you OH has taken his share of the 'blame' for the situation you are in.
You really should work together to sort it out as you are both responsible. I could understand his actions (sort of) if it were you that had run up all the debts and he had no knowledge of it. However it would seem this is not the case.0 -
Person_one wrote: »Only out by a grand, what's the problem?!!!!
Fixed it now, hopefully!
PMSL....£1000 is a lot of money a month to lose - especially if you are in debt...Only kidding:D I have actually posted that I agree with your post (maths aside) That is exactly would I would do with my OH but OP's OH does not seem to be very reasonable0 -
You could ebay a few things and use the money to fund the curry
Seriously if your efforts aren't being noticed then this might bring them to the fore...0 -
That is what we used to do but he says because I've overspent I'm having nothing now until he says so. He's also overspent but on different things. Mine was mostly clothes so easily to pinpoint to me. He would overspend on takeaways etc but say that's for both of us even though he's the only one that wants it IYDWIM. Or gadgets that he can say are for us both but actually it's just him.
Well I would say that is unreasonable....When he wanted a takeawy did you actually say to him that you didn't think you could afford it or did you go along with it?0 -
I would regularly say that we cant afford but he didn't listen if it suited him not to.
I cant even access the eBay money as it goes into the bank account and I have no bank cards to access it.MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."0
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