OH has confiscated my cards

gratefulforhelp_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I'd transfer my wages into my own separate account and then ask him whether he thinks he could afford solicitor's fees and maintenance. And then see it through he appeared convinced he would manage.

She's got a point. Sounds like he kicked off over the curry money because you were meeting a friend. Is he trying to isolate you? This is another red flag.

nzmegs

Some men seem to think that staying at home with kids is something you should be grateful for. I am sure that your husband feels that HE earns the money therefore he can spend it how he likes. he appears to love the control that he has over you with regards to money and that you having a job outside the home would jeopardise that.
If this was just about the money, then why couldn't he just insist that you keep your spending to £200 a week but not take away your cards. Surely as a grown-up you are capable to being trusted to that extent.
My husband and i have an agreement where if EITHER of us want to spend more than £20 on any one transaction on ourselves (not including food or essentials)then we must inform the other. It is not asking permission, it is simply checking that we have the money and having enough respect for each other to not spend our money will nilly.
For a long time i was not earning anything as a SATM but now I earn the same as my husband. But things have not changed at all. We still share all the money equally and share in the debts too!
You either need to point out to your husband that you feel powerless in the marriage and that he needs to examine his own feelings about that. if he really is happy to treat his wife in this way (give him a while to think about it) then tell him you will leave. he needs to know that a marriage is apartnership and that you having no control over the fianances means that you are less responsible for your spending.the more knowldege you have the moe likely you are to keep it under control.

paddy's_mum

Although I can see that this might be a control thing, could it also be the actions of a desperate man who has not yet been able to find a way to put the financial brakes on his wife?

Perhaps they should both starting acting like grown-ups, drop the resentment, communicate properly and handle their problems responsibly instead of this school playground style of childish tit for tat!

I agree wholeheartedly with an earlier suggestion that Relate might be a good way forward because clearly this marriage is in deep trouble if the couple can't even agree a basic such as the family finances.

babyfruitella

I'm sorry but you dont have a husband. You have somebody who wants to control you & everything you do. My husband earns double what I earn, but the money goes into 1 account. I pay all the bills, & do all the budgeting, & whats left is left. If we want days out or to treat ourselves it comes out of that money. My husband would never turn 'round & tell me that I couldnt have anything because he earned more or whatever.

Its a classic case of double standards. He can p*ss his money up that wall but you cant do anything??

And another thing, why was he reading your messages anyway? I sense a loss of trust in this relationship. And if there's no trust, there's no relationship.


(((((hugs)))))

JoJoB

Do you realise that financial abuse of this nature is actually classed as a form of domestic violence? I'm not saying this to make you think badly of your husband - he may simply be panicking and over-reacting and see your point of view after some discussion. But if he steadfastly refuses to give any ground on the matter and continues to control you in this way it is actually abuse on his part.

babyfruitella

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Although I can see that this might be a control thing, could it also be the actions of a desperate man who has not yet been able to find a way to put the financial brakes on his wife?

He needs to take responsibility himself. He cant expect her to reign in her spending while he's still flitting off to the pub!

Dave101t

observation: crap relationship.
im married and we still split our finances. bills split down the middle, and no one has 'authority' over the others finances. its amazing people still function like this, knowing the ongoing problems it causes.

Person_one

OP, how are you feeling about things today?

*Louise*

What a situation. I guess you're not so much bothered by the fact that your money is restricted as the fact that HIS isn't!

Sounds like he is just trying to pass the buck, and I don't blame you for not liking the way he is doing it

If it were me, I would let him get on with it for now - he will either sink or swim.
I would oppen a second bank account, put the £200 p/w in there (that IS a decent amount of money imo) transfer the child benefit/and tax credits to there and not let him touch use it - he wants £15 for a taxi? Wouldn't be coming out of MY budget

RoxieW

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Although I can see that this might be a control thing, could it also be the actions of a desperate man who has not yet been able to find a way to put the financial brakes on his wife?

Perhaps they should both starting acting like grown-ups, drop the resentment, communicate properly and handle their problems responsibly instead of this school playground style of childish tit for tat!

I agree wholeheartedly with an earlier suggestion that Relate might be a good way forward because clearly this marriage is in deep trouble if the couple can't even agree a basic such as the family finances.

I've admitted that Ive overspent but he was happy when it was being spent. He was happy to lead a certain lifestyle even when I said there was something that we couldnt afford. We have both got into a bit of a mess and we both want to do something about it. But it seems that I am being punished.
I have tried to talk to him. It doesnt get me anywhere apart form an arguement or the silent treatment. Or both. Yesterday was the arguement, now the silent treatment.
He wont go to relate. I am seeing a counsellor on my own for post natal depression. She has flagged up alot of things to me about him. I try to get into a more positive mindset but he is a constant source of criticism on my shoulder.
I agree I think our marriage may be in trouble. He is forcing me into a corner where I have no option other than accept being treated like a child or - well, I dont feel I have an alternative. I dont want to break up our family over this. I have 3 boys to think about. And we have been together for ten years. Alot of it good. But he is pushing me into a corner. If I just go out on Thursday he has the power to leave me with nothing. If he puts his wage into his bank account then things are going to disintegrate very quickly.