OH has confiscated my cards

Barneysmom

I think he's being selfish.
He's helped get into problems but won't work together to sort it out.
He's using money to control you.
I think next time he says he fancies a curry tell him to have one and whatever he spends you'll have the cash instead.

Mrs_justjohn

My OH has just said that unless you admit that you are in debt AND responsible for it, then you are never likely to sort it out. You seemed to have admitted and taken responsibility yet your OH hasn't. Therefore no matter how much you scrimp and cut back the problem will never fully go away as your OH has not taken responsibility. He has shifted responsibility for the debt and the debt recovery plan onto you...so he doesn't have to change EVER!!

Soubrette

If you are unable to sit down and sensibly discuss this with him - sell 'your' ipad and go for the curry.

Keep a track of both your spending starting with how much he spend down the pub - I assume you still have access to the bank statements etc and try again in a few weeks (to have a sensible conversation I mean).

ifonlyitwaseasier

and maybe if you are home when the post comes and he isn't pop to the bank as you have "lost" your card......

RoxieW

I like that idea but i am totally powerless as if i dont do as he says he will have all his wage transferred into a bank account just for him.

RoxieW

i agree he is putting all the blame and responsibility on me. i just dont know what i can do about it.

Pixiechic

Hi RoxieW,

In the situation that you are in, I would just bide my time. For example, if, as you say you have no access to bank accounts and you have a set £200 a week. You DH has set that for you as he seems to believe that a lot of the debt has been run up by you.

If though, he is still spending and not keeping to any such budget. Then I believe that it would then be right to assume say in about 3 months, if the debt has not gone down, then he would have to look at his own spending.

After a few months of him being strict with you, he will have no one else to blame but himself. I would go along with it and bite my tongue. Then, when he brings it up, mention to him how he might be able to cut back in order to reduce the debts.

Annoying though that he then goes and splashes out on an ipad!!!!

Soubrette

RoxieW wrote: »

i agree he is putting all the blame and responsibility on me. i just dont know what i can do about it.

First of all open your own account and put your £200pw in there. If he asks to dip into your £200 then say no, it's all budgeted for.

Could you consider getting a weekend job? This means you'll have a bit of extra money, a bit of independence and will give him a taste of all the things you do while he is at work.

gratefulforhelp_2

Person_one wrote: »

Your problem isn't money (well, not your only problem) its the double standard your OH is trying to impose.

You need to add up what all your necessary expenses are each month, including food and your children's activities, pay that out of your joint incomings, and from what is left both of you take a small allowance (the same amount) for fun stuff etc. and spend the rest paying down your debts or saving. Neither of you gets any say or has the right to complain about what the other spends their allowance on.

That's what I'd want to do anyway.

Example:

Incomings:
Wage 1 - 1000
Wage 2 - 1500

Outgoings:
Bills, Food, Repayments, Rent, Petrol, Kids hobbies etc. - 1500

Remainder - 1000

Allowance - 250 each
Save/repay - 500



That's just imaginary numbers to illustrate my suggestion as I'm not sure how clear I was!

This is the answer, to the money issue...

but thats not the only thing, is it?
There doesn't seem to be much dialogue here, and he seems to be being very domineering about this.

Hand on heart, have you really spent way way more than him?

If so, he just may have a point, but the way he's going about it is ringing warning bells.

I think you need a deep and meaningful about the whole setup between the two of you.

RoxieW

im on the go all week with the children and also working 3 hours a day from home. All the housework/cooking etc is my responsibility. I don't sit down most nights till 9pm. i think a weekend job would tip me over the edge!
Although I am considering a full time job and putting the little one in nursery just to get abit of financial and emotional independence. he says if I do this then i have to pay childcare out of my wage and he will keep his wage for himself. We will then keep our money separate and he earns way more then I could having been a mum and housewife pretty much for the past 8 years.