Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

Mojisola

blushred2 wrote: »

I'm sitting at work, trying really hard to think about the pile of work in front of me.
But all i can think about is a chat i had with b/friend last night.

A little background. I'm just over 40, no kids, never been married.
overweight by about 5 stone ( morbidly obese according to doc)
female with high blood pressure.
been seeing this lovely guy for about 6 months. he's recently divorced with a child.

He had a bit to drink by the time i called last night, and said he
felt it was time he laid his cards.

He said he felt like Shallow Hal for saying it, but i was too fat.
and if i wanted to continue seeing him and have a future with him that i needed to loose weight... a lot of weight !

He said it would make him proud if i lost the weight, i'd be more desirable. And in a better shape to have kids... something we would both like.

According to him, i wasn't his normal type, but that he had been drawn by my personality, kindness, pretty face etc.

Poor guy! He's told you that you are so lovely and likes you so much that he saw past your weight (which would normally have put him off) and has got to know you so well that he wants to stay with you and have a family and it feels like the only thing you heard was "You're fat!"

And yes i know that i need to lose a lot of weight
But felt somehow he was just a bit too honest.

He might not have expressed it very well but wouldn't you prefer him to be honest and show he wants to stay with you than to walk away because he's worried how you would react if he said the word "fat"?

My doctor has advised me to loose weight, and i've started walking more and i can be so good, then i get annoyed or upset and comfort eat !!

He said that if i didn't slim down then he would have to find someone else as he could not see us being together if i wasn't willing to make the effort.

A case of shape up or ship out.

Not as well phrased as possible but he's probably right - if after six months he has seen no sign of you reducing your weight, knowing that the GP is concerned about your health - are you really going to do it? He wants to have a family with you and there's been a lot in the press recently about the problems for pregnant overweight women. If your problem was drinking or gambling rather than overeating, most people would be on his side.

Yes its made me detirmined to succeed, but also a little sad that
he was so to the point
I know that honest is important, and i should respect him.
but also feel like i've been kicked in the teeth.

More relationships split up because of couples not being honest with each other!

My head is all over the place. I love this guy.

You love him but do you really love yourself? If you know your problem is overeating when you are unhappy, then dieting and exercise alone won't do it. You should see someone who will help you identify why you need to comfort yourself.

See yourself through his eyes - he can see all your wonderful qualities!

Take this chance to sort out whatever is making you unhappy and look forward to a great future with a man who really loves and cares for you.

blushred2

Thanks.

No i haven't loved myself for a long time.

but today is a new start.
I am good as anyone.

And if he said it because he cares... fantastic, lets hope we go
onwards and upwards.

whatever happens he has done me a big favour !!!

NAR

blushred2 wrote: »

I'm hoping his chat was meant as a wake up call.
And we can move forward, but if not he has done me a favour, i'd only really been playing with the idea of dieting. I want more out of life now.
I do want to be healthy and 2 have a child would bring me such happiness.
And if its with him, that would be wonderful.
but as someone said earlier, happiness is in your self.

And today is the rest of my life.

Good for you for taking all the positives out of this situation. :T

I wish you all the best in achieving your goals.

ailuro2

Tell him you can no longer be with him as you can't put up with his small penis any longer, you thought you could live with it but he just doesn't measure up to previous lovers.

Then when you've met someone who REALLY loves you and isn't just after someone to bully like this, you'll look back and wonder WHY you were willing to listen to someone as shallow as him.

If he had said he was worried about your health and didn't want to think of a future without you that might have been different. But he didn't. I need to lose weight too so know how difficult it is.
What does he do to support you when you're together, does he encourage you to go for walks with him, or does he prefer to go out for meals and drinks, or sit in watching DVDs with a pizza?

tbh I think you could do with losing around 11 stone - or however much this boyfriend weighs.;)

Best Wishes -to me, this reeks of those all too common situations where women end up having a 'victim mentality' and end up attracting the wrong type of guys, who go on to control them adfter a first few months of appearing to be kind, generous etc, I hope that this isn't the case with you.

clairehi

No I dont think he was "too" honest. Better that he is realistic with you about what he is willing to take on, and what he isn't.
Far too many people beat around the bush when it comes to weight issues.

A sad story for you. My late MIL was massively overweight for 20+ years and my FIL would never confront her, in fact he made it worse by "helping" her to lead a unhealthy lifestyle.

She never walked anywhere other than from the house to the car, FIL would give her a lift to the end of the road etc. She used to blame it on "asthma" and "bad legs" but would never go to the doctor about these problems, strangely.

Eventually she did get so ill she became virtually immobile (had to get a mobility scooter) and FIL took over all cooking and looking after the house. this made things worse as he used to serve up massive portions of food and she would eat everything on her plate. she was stuck in the house with little to do except snack.

In the last few years she had serious health problems which stopped her from being able to play with her grandkids and take part in normal activities. Sadly she died not long ago age 61 from health problems as a result of her weight, she has missed out on so much. One of the last things she said to DH was "Don't make the same mistakes as me".

Ironically My FIL now has a new partner who encourages him to go swimming twice a week, go for long walks and says no when he offers her more food - as a result he has also lost several stone.

His turning a blind eye to MIls weight and health issues and "loving her for herself" contributed to her going to her grave early.

nikki702

If you need to lose weight do it for yourself and your health not him!

How dare he say that to you? when he met you he accepted you for YOU he has no right trying to change you now :mad:

red_devil

when i met my partner years ago i smoked he hated it and moaned and complained all the time. After we had been together for about 5 years i gave up. I think i gave up for me but that pressure from him did help if i am honest?

It used to annoy me but now i havent smoked for years. It was the thing i did for my health and wealth and also our relationshi. There is no problem anymore smoking is not an issue. It was the best thing i did giving up and if my partner did help me to give up so what he was right and its for the best.

*max*

blushred2 wrote: »

He said he felt like Shallow Hal for saying it, but i was too fat. and if i wanted to continue seeing him and have a future with him that i needed to loose weight... a lot of weight !

He said it would make him proud if i lost the weight, i'd be more desirable. And in a better shape to have kids... something we would both like.

According to him, i wasn't his normal type, but that he had been drawn by my personality, kindness, pretty face etc.

I would never EVER be able to forget the things he said, I would be way too hurt. It would constantly be playing on my mind, ie "he finds me unattractive, always has but thought he could change me...etc".

You know you need to lose weight, and you are already trying. Did he not think you knew, that he felt he had to point it out??? He knew you were trying, now all he said will achieve is to make you feel judged and scrutinised while you do it, instead of excited to be making a big change to your life and getting support from the man you love.

This is emotional blackmail. He should love you for WHO you are, all of you, not for what you COULD look like. Now if you're anything like me, you won't be able to eat in front of him without feeling guilty, you won't feel confident being intimate. Do you really think you can cope with this? I couldn't. I'd rather be single!

There's a fine line between honesty and cruelty, and he has crossed it.

It would be easy to blame it on the drink, but the damage is done: now you know how he feels and his words will be ringing in your ears for a long time.
Don't be a pushover. Keep on trying to lose the weight, for you. In the meantime, try to rebuild the confidence this man has taken from you. You WILL find someone who will love you for who you are, and who YOU want to be, and support you without judging. He's not it.

Perdi

Pixiechic wrote: »

You got that right blushred2

You deserve to be happy in your life and within yourself too.

I think that he meant well albeit misguided in his delivery. You know what you need to do in order to get what you want.

I wish you all the best and think of yourself now and your future. Everyday is a chance to change tomorrow.

OP I have my fingers crossed for you too. I hope you can work through your issues.
However ineptly, your Bf has tried to commuicate with you, please keep that going and tell him how you are feeling, what your goals are and how you need him to help you. I'm in the camp of he does care for you, but his actions from now on shouldindicate whether he was truely trying to help or just trying to give himself an excuse for leaving.

I will echo what was said before, you need to get to the root of your comfort eating or no amount of dieting and exercise will help. I have a friend who was very overweight and was always on some diet or other that didn't work. Sadly I can't remember what program she went on but it was the first that required her to get counselling over her eating not just count the calories. I'm sure her bmi is probably still 'overweight' but it has completely changed her confidence in herself and you can tell - she looks fantastic, really curvy, she has swishy hair and always has a smart tailored suit on, she is so much more comfortable in herself and started dating again.

I hope you can use your current positive attitude to start down this path x

Catblue

I would need to speak to him about this, and face to face.

He has been cowardly in speaking to you about this over the phone. And drunk as well? How nice.

I would also lay the cards on the table and give him an honest appraisal about his own imperfections. For one thing, he is a mean drunk, no mistake about it. Speak to him about this calmly and rationally and see how he takes it. Tell him that major things between you need to be talked about face to face and sober.

If he accepts what you say and states that he intends to improve this aspect then fine. If he gets defensive and tries to turn it back onto you then this honesty of his is obviously only going to be used on other people and not himself.

How he reacts to having the tables turned on him is going to determine whether this relationship is actually going to work or not.