Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

Pixiechic

Hi again,

I can understand what he is saying even though he said it the wrong way. He was drunk but sometimes as the saying goes, 'a drunk man speaks a sober man's mind'

If you and your partner got together and discussed wanting to have children together. Well, I am not being rude but you are over 40 and morbidly obese with high blood pressure, not exactly in the ideal place. Being over 40 might put extra strain and stress on you and delay. Being morbidly obese is in no way going to help.

So he got drunk for some Dutch courage to probably say that he really wants more children like he thought you did. Yet your Doctor has told you that you need to lose weight in order for this happen and you haven't. Therefore, he is now wondering if you and he will ever have children.

I am not saying that he was right to say it in the way that he did but he wasn't wrong to express how he feels. I think I would feel the same in his position. When you got together you confirmed that in the future you would like children, if you had said you didn't at the beginning, he might not have bothered with the relationship. You said you did, therefore he continued to be with you because he loves you. Yet now he is wondering and worrying if it will ever happen.

You need to take your health seriously, for you and your chances of conceiving.

Good luck

Any

pinkclouds wrote: »

You are morbidly obese. You are at serious risk of dying sooner rather than later. It is not love to enable someone to eat themselves into an early grave. The man was drunk. The only reason it hurts is because you care more about what your boyfriend thinks than what your doctor says. Whether you dump your boyfriend or not, I really do hope you lose some weight soon.

I have to agree with this.

You are most likely comfort eating because of low self esteem (also judging from the darkest thoughts possible after he told you). Low self esteem is brought on by being overweight very easily.

Person can be a lovely person 80% if a time, but person with low self esteem and constant nagging can bring sane person to the edge of sanity.

We cannot see everything that is going on in the relationship. I see the other side - my sister is overweight. She constantly goes on about it, about having nothing to wear, how people look at her etc and loads of other stuff-I seriously walk out the moment she just looks at herself... but she never does anything about it. But if someone suggested that she is actually fat... OMG!! That would be the end of relationship/friendship!!! Immediately!! Just like nearly everyone on this forum..

I can walk out depressed after just an hour visit to her house if she is in one of her "fat" moods.

I think this bloke might have some balls to say that. I also think it was just the alcohol talking so blunt. maybe it is just being cruel to help.

It might be that he is controlling as well though... From all you said I doubt it though.

pinkclouds

Pixiechic wrote: »

I am not saying that he was right to say it in the way that he did but he wasn't wrong to express how he feels. I think I would feel the same in his position. When you got together you confirmed that in the future you would like children, if you had said you didn't at the beginning, he might not have bothered with the relationship. You said you did, therefore he continued to be with you because he loves you. Yet now he is wondering and worrying if it will ever happen.

Totally agree with this. It's definitely my interpretation of events.

Any

By the way I said to my OH once that unless he stops throwing money around (that he/we don't have) I am leaving. I am also trying to change him in a way...

I suppose I don't love him either then.

There are moments where you have to look at your future and what you want and whether you are willing to compromise.

He probably wants children a lot.

Everyone jumped on a band waggon only because truth sometimes hurts and weight is for many people very sensitive (touchy) subject.

Nixxx

Has he mentioned to you before to lose weight? Had he mentioned it at all in the past? Were you proactive? Did you do anything?
I can see how it could be shocking and upsetting if it just came out of the blue from him, but do you think he has tried several times to help and encourage you to lose weight in the past but felt like you didn't listen?

Like others have said, I don't necessarily agree with his methods, but maybe he has exhausted all other ways of telling you.

yummymummy79

Slightly different situation I guess, but I would rather be told that I was getting a bit porky and OH had an issue with it, rather than him just getting quietly annoyed with the situation and going off me etc. I have always said to bfs to tell me if I look dodgy in something or are getting a bit porky so I can do something about it.

If he got with you when you were the same size then that makes it a bit different. Maybe he thought he could see past your size but has now realised he can't. I don't think it was wrong of him to say it, perhaps a bit more tact would have been an idea, but then sometimes just saying it is better than faffing around the subject.

On similar lines, a forum I am a member of (bodybuilding) had a similar thread entitled 'Help, my missus is getting fat' and there were lots of varying opinions. Some saying he should love her for what she was inside and out, and others saying that she should make efforts to sort it out if he wasn't happy (but was fairly clear that she wasn't happy either). There isn't a correct answer for what to do, but at the end of the day, losing weight is likely to do a lot more good than harm on lots of different levels so it really would be a good idea to take it all on board and do it, as it seems you are planning to.

eleanora_

nzmegs wrote: »

You need to think about whether you can handle what is likely to happen in the future. Imagine this scenario. Boyfriend asks you out on a date for a meal out. you make some allowances during the day to ensure that you can have a little blowout at you meal. you decide to have a dessert as a treat, boyfriend questions "should you be eating that?", this upsets you, you find you can't justify it to him. Argument...beleive me this scenario will play out over and over.... <snip>

I disagree. Why hypothesise and analyse conversations that haven't happened and (from what the OP has said about her BF) are unlikely to happen? Deal with things as and when they come up, don't beat yourself up with "what-ifs" and worst-case scenarios.

I agree with those who have said that he meant well but worded it clumsily. Men can be very blunt sometimes, but it seems to me that he was trying to be helpful and supportive

blushred2

I made myself morbidly obese.
yes every single fresh cream bun, chocolate bar, take away meal was consumed by me. And i enjoyed every mouthful.
But it was mostly comfort eating.

I nursed my mum for 18 years until she died from diabetes related
illness.
Have had 2 long term relationships, the 1st with a guy who was an alcoholic, and before i had the guts to leave started to beat he crap out of me, cheated on me and took out cards and loans in my name.
all before mse. so i worked 2 jobs for 7 years to pay it all offf.

Did i comfort eat more, too right i did !!

2nd guy, lovely, but still a boy, did not want the relationship to progress towards marriage and kids, i ate more becasue i could see the time passing by and nothing changes.
but like the previous guy i loved him and stayed.

After that ended dad took sick.
Its only in the last year that i feel like i've come out the other side.

This new guy is so unlike anyone i've ever met.
yes he isn't perfect, because no one is.

i'm hoping his chat was meant as a wake up call.
And we can move forward.

but if not he has done me a favour, i'd only really been playing with the idea of dieting. I want more out of life now.
I do want to be healthy and 2 have a child would bring me such happiness.
And if its with him, that would be wonderful.
but as someone said earlier, happiness is in your self.

And today is the rest of my life.

Pixiechic

blushred2 wrote: »

And today is the rest of my life.

You got that right blushred2

You deserve to be happy in your life and within yourself too.

I think that he meant well albeit misguided in his delivery. You know what you need to do in order to get what you want.

I wish you all the best and think of yourself now and your future. Everyday is a chance to change tomorrow.

laurenjs88

Pixiechic wrote: »

Oh, so it's okay then that she is morbidly obese with high blood pressure? Her partner shouldn't be concerned and should just ignore it? That rather than lose the weight she should just lose the guy who she wants have children with?

Some people might say that they can't believe that someone has such little self respect to get themselves morbidly obese and unhealthy. Its down to opinion, but ultimately, should we really encourage her just to carry on how she is? Is that really responsible when even the Doctor has raised concern?

Whatever the reason that the OP is morbidly Obese is something that she will have to deal with, I too have been on the end of "support" by Doctors telling me to lose weight but not givng a cr*p why it went on in the first place, which you expect from a doctor. Not from a partner who supposedly wants children with you!

OP I think it is very brave you posted this, however I stand by my previous post.

If you're anything like me, your wieght isnt due to being lazy or just eating the wrong things all the time. Its a cycle of self-descruction and sabotage. You comfort eat to deal with any kind of negative emotion and in a "sick" kind of way you do it to punish yourself more for what has happened.

Why you do that and how you can make the steps to stop doing it begin and end with you. You will only lose weight successfully if YOU want too.

The fact that your partner of 6 months on one hand gives you an ultimatiom and on the other tells you he loves you, makes you wonder if he even loves you at all.

Once you've been with someone 6 months and you really care,you just know how to deal/talk with them, what makes them tick etc..

I'm not saying people don't mistakes from this point forward, but that wasnt a mistake it was a festering deliberate action, thats not something that just popped out of his mouth its been stewing for a long time. And honestly can you be with someone who says they "love you" when its obvious that they havent been "loving you" for aslong as they've been letting that eat away at them?

Yes I am fat an I weigh alot more than you! and untill you realise that you alone are worth losing the weight for, you will lose and rebound.

I wish you all the best in the world it is a terrifying experience to take a really good look at yourself and start sorting it out.

At the end of the day, you only have to answer to yourself xxx