Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

SugarSpun

ljaneyr wrote: »

Hi,
I'm not overweight but I think anyone can imagine how you are feeling right now. If my OH had suggested early on in our relationship that I needed to get rid of the cellulite or clear my skin or something I would feel pretty low as you would hope they see past your flaws. I guess the difference is that he says he is worried about you and wants a life and kids with you and wants to support you to be healthy. You need to figure out if he is the kind of person to be unkind, damage your self-esteem and try to change you, or was he just being completely tactless and thoughtless as (some) people can be sometimes. From what you told us he was echoing your own feelings and thoughts on the matter so he may just have been trying to be supportive but got drunk and said it really bluntly?

If you decide to stick with him it may be worth letting him know (perhaps when you've calmed down about it) that he hurt you by the way he said it but that you know you need to lose weight. It is unlikely he is in perfect shape so suggest walks and healthy activities and cooking together. Support each other.

I really hope it all works out for you hun,

Lxxx

Exactly this. Excellent post.

It sounds like he was just a bit drunk and a lot tactless. I wouldn't hit back with spite - he's echoing your own thoughts and trying to give you the impetus to get started.

Good luck.

treetrunks

In the blokes slight defence how many men/women have probably ran away from a relationship and have given pathetic excuses because they couldnt feel they could tell the truth. He couldnt certainly have been a lot more tactful but i dont know if there is an easier way to say this sort of thing. As horrible as it is, if it is indeed a "deal breaker" for him then at least he respects you enough to be honest and not just run away.

carolinejane_2

I would speak to him sober about why he brought this up now and let him know how it hurt you. On the other hand I also think that honesty is important with people we care about you have a lot of weight to lose and maybe not having children because of your weight would be a deal breaker for him.

Of course you could lose all the weight and then dump him because you can get better .....

Teenie_D

treetrunks wrote: »

In the blokes slight defence how many men/women have probably ran away from a relationship and have given pathetic excuses because they couldnt feel they could tell the truth. He couldnt certainly have been a lot more tactful but i dont know if there is an easier way to say this sort of thing. As horrible as it is, if it is indeed a "deal breaker" for him then at least he respects you enough to be honest and not just run away.

But if he had felt like that, he shouldn't have started the relationship in the first place!

brians_daughter

ok so his wording wasnt great, but maybe the last few months he has spent with you has made him realise what a great person you are and he loves you...but he is worried about your health, as is your GP.

Now i am no skinny minne - infact i am about 3st above my ideal weight but i am healthy and fit. I ran the great north run in less than 2hr 30 last year and i was training in preperation for the London Marathon prior to finding out i was pregnant.

I bought a 2nd hand airwalker from ebay for about £15 and i used it everyday to start me off. If you have done no physical activity in a while you need to be careful as to what you do. As you are clinically obese your GP can refer you to a gym free of charge, also ask to see a dietician to go through the food groups with you etc.. just to educate yourself.

If you want kids then childbirth is the most physical thing any woman can endure... to ensure the best pregnancy and labour for you and any baby you need to be in some kind of decent shape. By loosing 5% of your body weight you gain many benefits... 5% isnt a lot of weight really in the grand scheme of things... if you weigh say 17st you are looking at around 12lb off the top of my head. It can be easily done, but being healthy is more important than being thin! And if you are obese by loosing weight you can increase your fertility!

If you want to do this you can, but you need to do it for you, not for him!

ETA I would defo be having a conversation with him to see if this is about health or looks.... if its 100% looks based show him the door, if he is worried about your health then ask him is he going to support and encourage you.

gratefulforhelp_2

I'm with lilacpixie. I would be worried about the real issue, which to me is that he is trying to change or control you. Also maybe get the "upper hand" why did he need to say "I'll have to find someone else if you don't"?

I would dump the guy then lose the weight.

pinkmexican

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

I'm with lilacpixie. I would be worried about the real issue, which to me is that he is trying to change or control you. Also maybe get the "upper hand" why did he need to say "I'll have to find someone else if you don't"?

I would dump the guy then lose the weight.

No - lose the weight then dump him far more satisfaction!:rotfl:

P

blushred2

He knows that i am trying to loose weight, as i've recently booked some sessions with a personal trainer. And my increased walking etc

We had talked about children, and with me and my family history i went to the doc's for advice. The doc said big risks but to loose as much weight as possible to be in as healthy a shape for a pregnancy.


I keep thinking i must be repulsive to him now..
and no he definitely did not say that.
just my head running away with me.

i'm hoping its a case of time is moving on and he wants to give me the impetus to succeed.

I will be checking with him, to clarify some details. He normally is a really nice guy.

blushred2

He said he really wants more kids, preferably with me.

but if i wasn't willing to change then it would be better to seperate and him to find someone else.

I do think some of his mates have been ribibing him.


I'm 15 stone, so i've a good 5 stone to loose.

Just gota remember it didn't go on overnight, it will come off eventually.
And at the minute, he has given me the biggest motivation, get healthy, hopefully be able to conceive, and have the wee family that i've always !! always yearned for.

thank you for your lovely replies

nzmegs

You need to think about whether you can handle what is likely to happen in the future. Imagine this scenario. Boyfriend asks you out on a date for a meal out. you make some allowances during the day to ensure that you can have a little blowout at you meal. you decide to have a dessert as a treat, boyfriend questions "should you be eating that?", this upsets you, you find you can't justify it to him. Argument...beleive me this scenario will play out over and over.

You will have at east 6 months to a year ahead of you where you will unable to eat want you want, will have to limit alcohol, will have to convince the boyfriend constantly that you are staying on track. you will be doing it for him and feeling guilty if you can't manage it. if you fail (and lets face it most people do - a few times on their way to success) it won't be you who has been let down but him. He will hold it against you and ask why couldn't you do this for me?

My advice is to say to your boyfriend that you feel it would be better to take a 6 month break from each other to give you time to see if this is something you can do alone. Losing weight for another person is a road to failure. Only if you use your health as an incentive and your own well being will you succeed.