Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

jayII

Oh no!!!! He has totally taken advantage of your good nature, and I echo the others, you are better off without him!

The hurt will fade, no matter how horrible it feels right now, and you will find someone who values you for you!

Use this time to reflect on what you want for yourself, and make those things happen.

It's his loss honey, what a horrible, shallow, loser he has turned out to be. :mad:

Jinx

blushred2 wrote: »

i really have very little confidence, and this guy made me feel a million dollars.

I think you have had a lucky escape from this man!!

I don't know if it is something you would consider but I used to be on a dating site for women size 16 and over and it was a great boost to my confidence. It has a chatroom which was a great laugh and I dated for 2 years, some LOVELY men... all nice, no weirdos and went to a number of nights out with the women and men (members nights I mean, dont go both ways LOL). I dont know if I can name the site... someone tell me to edit if I cant, anyway its datingbbw - have a look if it interests you. I met my now hubby in 2005 and got married recently.

Regardless of internet dating, there are LOTS of men who like larger ladies, you just need to be out there doing your own happy thing and you will meet them, its not too late.

dizziblonde

You've had a lucky escape - he would have destroyed your self-confidence away to zero.

I'm obese (had a very very unpleasant troll on here try to shred me after I shared that in the past), I'm very honest about it - but the only time I've ever shifted the weight wasn't when then-boyfriends tried to put the squeeze on me to do so, or when my mother nagged - it was when I decided from within that I was going to do it. What he was "trying" (sounds like he had his mind made up from the start and was trying to get you to do the dumping so he could play hard done by blokey) to do was never ever going to work anyway - weight you lose for other people has this annoying habit of coming back in multitudes.

The one thing I will say, and I know since you've got (well) rid of him now it's kinda immaterial - is that if you want kids - you're probably going to have to drop a bit of it anyway so it's worth having in mind in the long term plan of things. I've had to drop three and a half stone to get pregnant - miscarried one, concieved again three months later (after three years of trying) so my system's obviously now back to reproductive ticking over ok (assuming this one stays put - it's been sternly warned it's got to). It's just something to have in mind.

Trouble is - when you're large and have no self esteem - you're very very vulnerable for the biggest dirtbag men out there who can tell you nice things, make you feel special, get their claws into you and then try to eat away at you till you're a shell of your former self - I ended up in an abusive relationship because of that kind of pattern (I since realized I was exactly the type my now thankfully very ex preyed on to do this with) - you have to work on your self esteem first, because without that - you won't have the confidence to work on the outside bodysuit if you get what I mean.

If you want to lose the weight - get yourself an UNDERSTANDING doctor (there are some total knobbers out there who'll just yell and huff and puff at larger people) who'll work with you to look at why you overeat, work out strategies for dealing with your trigger moments (for the comfort eating), and if you're in some areas - you can even get referred for exercise programmes on prescription (I know my local leisure centre does this and the staff there who draw up the programmes are fantastic).

Mupette

Put the boyfriends commnents to one side...

why did you not feel hurt when you gp told you to loose weight?

Stop making excuses you can do this, yes do it for yourself.

But in all honesty who would tell you, you are fat, your friends?
would they?

I think i would prefer someone to be honest with me, even if it hurt, at least i knew where i stood, rather than see your partner as shallow hal, perhaps you should see him as someone who could save your life, if he didn't feel anything for you then i doubt he would of said anything.

carolinejane_2

Thats sad OP but I hope you decide to make some changes for yourself now. Become his dream woman and when he comes crawling back tell him where to stick it :)

You are best of without him for sure

butterflylady131

I'd like to share my story, if I may? I was living with a very controlling fella for 7 years, and through all that time, he emotionally abused me, and shredded my confidence to bits. It started off with him telling me to loose weight, and that it was because he loved me, and he wanted me to be attractive to him again. He liked "slight" girls who were, blonde, small and ditzy. I was and still am, largish, brunnette and intelligent. I tried for him, but when it became clear that I was doing it for the wrong reasons, and I would never be his perfect woman, he cheated on me with someone he worked with, kicked me out of the home we owned together, moved her in the same week, and got her pregnant within 3 months, after I'd had a miscarriage with him.
By him telling me to lose weight, it was the start of his very controlling and mainpulative behaviour. I am thankful every day for the man I am now married to, who is the complete opposite of the useless twonk I was with.
Do not let anyone tell you to lose weight, even if they claim it is for your own good. It is your body, your life, and only you are accountable for it. When you make the decision to lose weight, it will come off easily becaise you will be commited to it. It's your issue, your journey.

Hope you find peace. XX

Pixiechic

Hi blushred,

I am sorry to hear how upset you are but it sounds like it is for the best. You sound lovely but I have to be honest.

He had made it clear to you that he wanted children and your doctor made it clear to you about the state of your health. You say 'he was my last chance to have kids, i'm 43. and just need to accept and move on.'

Thing is, at 43, morbidly obese and with high blood pressure, you weren't in the best shape to have a child. He was trying to urge you to get in shape as you had both agreed to try for a baby.

He obviously was harsh because he felt he needed to be, maybe other softer hints had fallen on deaf ears? If you are happy how you are then that is your decision. I don't think anyone can blame him for seeing that maybe children are not the option that he thought they were so he ended it.

If my partner was morbidly obese with weight related health problems and didn't do anything to improve it. I would leave. I would support therapy and any help needed but the change has to come from you.

You do sound lovely and I am sure that you will find a man who will love you just as you are. You need to learn to love yourself and then maybe you will take better care of yourself. You are more than worth it.

dmg24

blushred2 wrote: »

i really have very little confidence, and this guy made me feel a million dollars.
the 3rd date or so he called to my house to collect me.
when he got out of his car to come to the door, i nearly fainted.
this guy is tall, blonde, incredibly handsome, beautifully dressed.
the kind of guy i'd only dream about.
he said all the right things, we hardly were apart.
it was 5 months of the most lovely time i've ever had.
followed by a month, of not such great time.

I have no doubt that you are the kind of woman many men (and women!) dream about.

Teenie_D

Oh blushred I am so sorry, never seen that coming. You will feel better eventually, and at least you will be losing the weight for yourself now. There is someone out there for you x

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi blushred,

I am sorry to hear how upset you are but it sounds like it is for the best. You sound lovely but I have to be honest.

He had made it clear to you that he wanted children and your doctor made it clear to you about the state of your health. You say 'he was my last chance to have kids, i'm 43. and just need to accept and move on.'

Thing is, at 43, morbidly obese and with high blood pressure, you weren't in the best shape to have a child. He was trying to urge you to get in shape as you had both agreed to try for a baby.

He obviously was harsh because he felt he needed to be, maybe other softer hints had fallen on deaf ears? If you are happy how you are then that is your decision. I don't think anyone can blame him for seeing that maybe children are not the option that he thought they were so he ended it.

If my partner was morbidly obese with weight related health problems and didn't do anything to improve it. I would leave. I would support therapy and any help needed but the change has to come from you.

You do sound lovely and I am sure that you will find a man who will love you just as you are. You need to learn to love yourself and then maybe you will take better care of yourself. You are more than worth it.

Didn't give her much chance to show that she would lose the weight after his little chat though did he?! Surely if he he loved her he would have started supporting her, not dumping her making her feel even worse about herself

JodyBPM

I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me the way I was, overweight or not.

The shape up or ship out message rings alarm bells to me - if you love someone, you love them however they are. I think its reasonable to be concerned about someone's weight if you love them, because you are perhaps concerned that the time that you will have with them may be limited, so you encourage them to be healthier, to lose weight, because you love them and want to be with them for as long as possible. But you don't say that you will leave if they don't.

I'm not sure this guy is really into you - if he was, the idea of leaving you would never cross his mind. He'd prefer to have 10 or 20 years with you overweight, than leave you and have no time with you at all.