Think he was just a wee bit 2 honest. ( long, sorry)

Bitsy_Beans

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Is he really saying "lose weight or ill leave" or is he saying in the future i want a partner who is happy healthy and able to safe carry a baby and be an active parent.

We all have these conversations early in a relationship and yes maybe he should not have done it drunk, its still a conversation that has to happen if the relationship is to progress. These conversations cover many topics, while a couple finds compatible atiittudes to money/debt, drugs/alcohol, cats or dogs, etc etc.

The guy is right to put his cards on the table and it is up to the OP to respond, does she want the same things in life and does she want to work towards it or not?

If the op came on saying my bf wants me to stop taking recreational drugs/stop smoking/stop drinking/stop harming myself and live a healthy life so much would he be getting slated?

In truth probably not but if it was about health why the need to mention "be more desirable" and if what OP has posted is correct the first thing he says?

I think for me there is a little too much blackmail. It comes across to me as I will stay with you if you succeed but not if you fail. I don't find those comments supportive at all.
What if the OP loses weight but it's not enough by her bf standards. Does he chuck her because she's not done well enough by his expectations.

Fuzzy_Duck

jojo90 wrote: »

I love the way the girls on this thread think they really know what goes on in a guy's brain . Trust me, we are masters of deception when it comes to getting in your knickers .

Put it this way, if you stood any of those guys in front of their long term porky parter, then stood an attractive, slim, pert, and perky girl next to her... then offered him the choice?

KeeeeeeerCHING!!! UPGRADE!!!

Ah, like you are you mean? You can't speak for the whole male population- maybe the majority of Nuts magazine readers would agree but there's still plenty of men who don't want to date the women they're 'supposed' to be attracted to. If we all had such high standards none of us would get a date!

blushred2, you know your boyfriend better than we do. Personally I don't think you should dump him for an ill-informed comment. If he continues to make you feel bad, then yes, you deserve better, but I'm hoping that he said this because he was worried about and wanted to 'shock' you into losing weight.

There's no doubt that you do need to lose some for your health, especially as you want kids, so hold your head up high, keep doing what you're doing (well done having that kiwi!) and if he continues to nag, nag him about something he's sensitive about and see how he likes it

Any

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

In truth probably not but if it was about health why the need to mention "be more desirable" and if what OP has posted is correct the first thing he says?

I think for me there is a little too much blackmail. It comes across to me as I will stay with you if you succeed but not if you fail. I don't find those comments supportive at all.
What if the OP loses weight but it's not enough by her bf standards. Does he chuck her because she's not done well enough by his expectations.

If my husband failed to stop messing money about so we couldn't have a lifestyle (ie child and family life) I would split up with him as well.

The OP's partner want a child.

Why one person can be selfish (ie no I won't loose weight for yo, can't be bothered) but the other can't? (ie I will stay with you no matter what, even if you can't be bothered to do this for me).

It can be viewed from both sides...

It might be the situation, it might not. Only OP knows.

But she needs to be honest with herself - at first she said he is the best thing since sliced bread and she feels happy around him and next he wasn't and she was down...

She needs to decide when was she kidding herself - when she said he is all that good and she is hurt because truth sometimes hurts or she felt hurt because he is controlling bully.

ecgirl07

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

In truth probably not but if it was about health why the need to mention "be more desirable" and if what OP has posted is correct the first thing he says?

I think for me there is a little too much blackmail. It comes across to me as I will stay with you if you succeed but not if you fail. I don't find those comments supportive at all.
What if the OP loses weight but it's not enough by her bf standards. Does he chuck her because she's not done well enough by his expectations.

as i said this is a 6 month old relationship where the couple are finding out if their future is compatible - its not so much blackmail as are we travelling down the same road? OP says she is 40 so assuming bf is similar then biological clocks are ticking if both parties want a partner they can have kids with.

From his point of view then - me and my gf are early 40's i think im falling for here but i want to settle down and have a family. Her doctor has told her she is obese and im worried that we might not be able to have kids along with being worried her general health. I dont want to waste a few years with her if she is not serious about getting healthy as i am getting older. I had a stupid drunken conversation with her last night where i might have a crossed a line but i said what was on my mind in the worst way while trying to tell my concerns are positive. what should i do?

**confuzzled**

blushred2 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I rang him, and he offered no apology, or enquired as to how i was today after that amazing conversation last night.

I gently reminded him of waht he had said.. His reply was i was just trying to give you the kick up the bum u need, the doc has told u.
i'm just repeating what he said.

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck at the minute. but i reached for a kiwi instead of the usual bar of choc.

Gotta start with small steps.

:T:TWell done you:D Start as you mean to go on:)
I've been there and done that...minus the blundering fella;) Just have a blundering mother instead:o
Its all about breaking the bad habits...have you done a food diary before??? I found it better to reach for that & write whats happened before I reach for the fridge:) Helps you to understand why you need the food, and as another poster has said, if you partner is going to be supportive(fingers crossed) get him involved, you could spend a day each weekend visiting reservoirs or similar and wandering around them, amazing how you manage to get halfway round one before you realise it and by the time you get home...hey presto you've done at least a 5 mile walk:D

However you choose to go about dieting, good luck with all....it aint easy but it's definitely worth it:D:D

Bitsy_Beans

ecgirl07 wrote: »

as i said this is a 6 month old relationship where the couple are finding out if their future is compatible - its not so much blackmail as are we travelling down the same road? OP says she is 40 so assuming bf is similar then biological clocks are ticking if both parties want a partner they can have kids with.

From his point of view then - me and my gf are early 40's i think im falling for here but i want to settle down and have a family. Her doctor has told her she is obese and im worried that we might not be able to have kids along with being worried her general health. I dont want to waste a few years with her if she is not serious about getting healthy as i am getting older. I had a stupid drunken conversation with her last night where i might have a crossed a line but i said what was on my mind in the worst way while trying to tell my concerns are positive. what should i do?

Well he might want to consider apologising for saying it the worst way - which from the OP's telecon he clearly doesn't think he has. How about focusing on the being healthy rather than bringing in attractiveness into it which for me is the biggest thorn about this.

At the end of the day we all react to criticism and encouragement in different ways. I like trainer Bob from The Biggest Loser - he's all about the head stuff whereas my H prefers Jillian Michaels drill sargeant, scream in your face approach. However if OP's bf was trying to motivate her why not be a bit more tactful and go about it the right way rather than getting p!ssed and telling her she'd look even more desirable if she lost weight.

bestpud

I haven't read all the replies but I'd get shot of him asap as he's trying to make you something you may well never be.

What if his next request is shorter hair/ different clothes...?

Tell him to go forth and then sort your weight out for yourself.

I'm being polite here - I'd find a few home truths to tell him if I could - cheeky git!!! :mad:

Starrystarrynight

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I'm sure I won't be the only person to say get rid of this man.
If he can't see past your figure for the wonderful woman you are, then he isn't worth being with. I am overweight and my OH loves me, lumps bumps and all.
There are subtle encouragements that he could have given you to help you in your quest to lose weight, but he has been selfish and insulting.
I'd bin him in a heartbeat.

Teenie_D

bestpud wrote: »

What if his next request is shorter hair/ different clothes...?

That's what I was thinking too, you could lose the weight but then what? Will he insist on other things too?

Spendless

He had a bit to drink by the time he called last night, and said he
felt it was time he laid his cards.

He said he felt like Shallow Hal for saying it, but i was too fat.
and if i wanted to continue seeing him and have a future with him that i needed to loose weight... a lot of weight !

He said it would make him proud if i lost the weight, i'd be more desirable. And in a better shape to have kids... something we would both like.

According to him, i wasn't his normal type, but that he had been drawn by my personality, kindness, pretty face etc.


This would make me want to tell him I felt it was time I laid my cards on the table and I felt like a shrink for doing so, but that he lacked tact and this would have to change if he wished to continue seeing me and have a future with me.
I would say it would make me proud if you were to work on your tactlesness because it would turn you into a lot more desirabe person and would develop his skills for parenthood which we'd both like and it would make me proud of him.

I'd also add tactless blokes aren't normally my type but I've been attracted to you because of <insert reasons here>.

I'd also diet and dump him. In fact the only thing I'm not sure about is the order in which I'd do it..;)